letter to my husband.....


sometimes it is so hard to let you in, to tell you what is in my head. sometimes it comes out jumbled and i resort to age old arguments, you never did this, you never did that. i accuse you of not doing anything when in reality, i never told you what i wanted. it is easier sometimes to think you loved her because of some defect in me, but sometimes i worry that its because you just dont know how to love me.
im very aware that it is hard to love me and be in love with me sometimes. i know that it can be hard to be my friend sometimes. i know that im stubborn, willfull, angry and bullheaded. i know that i dont give in very easily, and once i make my mind up about something, it takes a miracle to unmake my mind about it.
i used to tell myself that if you just loved me it would be enough, that all that pomp and circumstance didnt mean anything to me. i used to tell myself that it didnt bother me that we never had a wedding, that it was okay that it was just a ceremony and the justice of the peace office. i used to tell myself that i could put up with anything if you just stayed and loved me. i guess i was lying to myself as much as you were lying to everyone else.
then we reached a point where you seemed to not understand me. sometimes i think it was after i got out of the hospital. there were a lot of changes in a very short period of time, and i was working on finding out who i was. im not sure why my dreams scared you. im not sure why my success at school made you think i didnt need you anymore.
when you started to pull away, it was hard. i think it started to happen way before you think it did. it started to happen when we moved here, i think it just gained speed when i went to school. you didnt seem interested in work, or my friends there, you just were interested in the friends we already had. thats why i became private and quiet, why i never volunteered any information. and when i did talk about work, or the problems my friends were having, the response from our group was always quit. why are you at a job that you hate so much. i didnt hate the job, ive never hated the job. i just got tired of defending it, and everyone thinking it wasnt good enough. it wasnt just you and m and b. it was my parents, mainly my father as well. thats another letter all together.
so that carried over into school. it was common practice to make fun of whatever it was i was doing that semester. i understand that i tend to get involved in things and block out the outside world, but school was very very important to me. it was so important to me that i do well in whatever i chose to study. i needed to prove to myself that i could do it. that i could be a mom, wife, work and still get a's in school. and i did feel like i was in competition with m. and amanda. and i admit, the jokes the first couple of times were funny, but it turned into an everyday occurance. i have the utmost respect for deborah, but that didnt matter to you and m. u still made fun of her, and me for taking it so seriously. and somehow, if you were going to make fun of something that was so important to me without pausing to consider the impact, then you didnt care how it affected me. i really enjoyed the drumming, but because i became so self conscious about it around you, i couldnt share it with you. just another in a long line of things that you didnt understand that you would make fun of or make light of. my tori friends, my neil friends, anything i did seemed to become fodder for ridicule.
thats why i pulled away. thats why i dont tell you guys things. thats why m thinks i became distant, withdrawn and private. why would i share my life with people that would just make fun of things that are important to me?
i understand that things that are important to me are not necessarily important to the rest of the world, which i think bothers you, but it suits me just fine. ive never been one to want to share things with the mainstream population.
so now, where do we go? what do we do? wounds have been created that im not sure can ever heal, and im scared of that. im scared that we can never get back to the place where we found everything fascinating about each other. i miss falling into you when you are talking very emotionally about something you love, or believe in, and i miss you being able to do that with me. i miss being able to have a conversation without a youre wrong, or thats stupid. i miss just being who i am with you.
now the fun part, to tell you what i need.
as much as i hate to admit it, because i have an image to maintain(hehehehe funny!!!!), there are certain traditional things that i crave, that i desire.
i desire romance, i desire rose petals covering a bed with a bottle of wine or champaigne and candles. i crave cd's made with songs that remind you of me. i crave spontneous declarations of your feelings for me. i crave letters and cards saying just because. i crave you taking me to a broadway show because you know that i will love it. i crave being able to give you everything you want in bed. not all the time, but some of the time. i crave weekends together where we can just lay in bed with each other and have that be enough. no books or tv or cell phone calls to distract us. i crave romantic dinners where we are so focused on each other the dinner gets cold because the conversation and just being together is more important than anything else.
i desire a wedding ceremony, a proper one, with you and me standing up in front of our loved ones declaring our timeless love for one another. i crave being able to be comfortable with you....
i know that doesnt make sense, and it probably seems like a lot of rambling, but it was done because i didnt have another way to get it out of my head.
i do love you
i do want to repair the damage that has been done.
it is unrealistic to think it can be done overnight....i know that....
time heals all wounds
fact is stranger than fiction, but fiction is stronger than fact....
i do love you

{{{del}}}

i hope everything works out for you and your husband...only you know what is best for you and what you truly want from your relationship. and if people love each other enough, they can overcome anything.

Dear Mom and Dad:

Last Wednesday, as I was in the midst of my very repetitive cataloging duties I had -- I guess the best word for it is -- an epiphany.

I realized that it is time to consider what happens next. Not immediately, and not rashly. But to consider, and to plan. To know, and be able to do what needs to be done.

I have to move out. I have to begin the process and indeed, I have in fact begun the process. Perhaps the word 'epiphany' was an incorrect one. Maybe 'realization' is the word that I should have used.

That said, I recognize that I will need to work for this, and that everything I am doing right now and at this time is interrelated to this goal. But more than that, I realize that I still need your help. And somehow -- somewhere in that -- is a certain degree of acceptance and perhaps even maturity.

It won't be instantaneous. And it won't be easy. But it will be. In the meantime, we have a lot of work to do. I have to see if I can continue working in my current position. I need to get my B.A. And I need to talk to my job advisor. I need to know what I'm up against, and to see that I develop the skills to deal with it.

To do what must be done, as I said before.

In the end, this is merely a letter to reaffirm this latest development of mind set. Because while I may not be ready out there yet, I have begun to recognize and understand that I am ready in here.

That is the most important thing.

You will be seeing this. In some form or another. And I know it will be difficult, but good for all of us.

Sincerely,

Me (the Ontological)

Dear Life,

Fuck you too.

Sincerely,
James