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mutant hedgehog worm
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Picture of halucinagenia
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yay after 5 years of being okay I'm back to suicidal thoughts, thats just great.

Anyway not to worry anyone they are only passing thoughts not like I'm going to have to make driving or walking near bridges no go zones.

But this fucking sucks, and I don't know how to make it better, maybe my bodies adjusted to my meds? Or maybe it's just the stress of everything has finally got to me. Either way I fucking hate my life right now.
 
Posts: 9895 | Location: The heart of gold | Registered: July 30, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Hart
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Heyla, Hal

-wince- I am so sorry to hear that and do not concern yourself with any worry that comes about. Honestly? I like being able to be worried about people, if that makes sense. It means there is some sort of connection, if only an acknowledgment of the person as someone real and worthwhile. So there. I will worry about you if I wanna and you can not make me stop. -sticks out tongue-

People do acclimate to drug regimens, I would certainly talk to your therapist or GP about it, see if there are options. Hopefully, things will look better for you soon. Be sure to let us know if there is anything we can do, though?


* * * * *
-r

Death-fascinated apprentice-Gaiman-stalker-in-training

Shopping List. Help with ideas?
 
Posts: 114 | Location: Hammond, LA | Registered: November 01, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Oestre sparagmos!
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Hal, I'm so sorry Frown *big hugs*

How long have you been on this medication/this dose? I acclimitised a few times last year and wound up on different medications/larger doses.

Do you have a doctor out there who is understanding/sympathetic?

I hope things get better for you. We're here, remember.


____________________________________________________
Did you know? When it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can't be seen.

EP now available for FREE download! Click Here

"Fairytales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten"

a peek inside the whirlwind of my thoughts
 
Posts: 10543 | Location: deepest darkest somerset | Registered: December 31, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Melittosphex sapiens
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Hey Hal *big hugs*

...I'm sure you've already been through all the possible solutions, but on top of everything else, those long Canadian nights can't help. Have you got one of those anti-SAD lamps?

I hope things turn around for you.

*more big hugs*


***********************
"bring on the be-tentacled oppressors" - fluffyllama
 
Posts: 15843 | Registered: April 12, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
mutant hedgehog worm
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Picture of halucinagenia
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I've been on these meds for over 5 years

But the problem is I'm a long term depressive, so a certain way of thinking is burned into my thought processes due to having bad brain chemistry for so long.

Also I do not want to repeat the 3 years it took to find meds that worked again.

Blerg
 
Posts: 9895 | Location: The heart of gold | Registered: July 30, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
mutant hedgehog worm
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Picture of halucinagenia
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Yup, I have a lamp, haven't been using it as I haven't had a regular schedule for awhile
 
Posts: 9895 | Location: The heart of gold | Registered: July 30, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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*hugs* (lots of them)



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Firekeeper's Sister
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*hugs*
... *morehugs*

(edit) *preemptive apology*

I had this long ramble about my mom, and her being so endlessly optimistic about changing things so DON'T NEED MEDS because ALL IT REALLY IS IS THAT WE'RE EATING THE WRONG FOOD and WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEDICINE TODAY IS THAT DOCTORS ARE TOO QUICK TO JUST GIVE YOU PILLS, and WON'T ADMIT that EVERYTHING WILL BE SOLVED IF YOU JUST EAT THE RIGHT FOOD.

So I kinda flipped out at her while she was raving about this NEW DIET from this AMAZING WOMAN who CURED HERSELF of MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS through DIET AND EXERCISE, after politely nodding along with her for a while after she'd read this book review... but since I was doing things like asking if there were any experimental results cited or statistics to back up her claims instead of immediately going "OMG, THIS IS THE ANSWER I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE!! LET'S GO AND BUY THIS PERSON'S BULLSHIT SNAKESKIN OIL, BECAUSE THIS TIME IT'LL BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM ALL THOSE OTHER SELF-HELP BOOKS YOU'VE BEEN BUYING AND RAVING OVER BEFORE GETTING BORED AND FINDING SOMETHING ELSE TO FLIP YOUR SHIT ABOUT, LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR ALL THE DECADES I'VE BEEN ALIVE AND IN YOUR CUSTODY." gods I need to move out...

I was going to say I wasn't going to go into it, because I was no longer caffeinated enough to bother, but I guess I already did. I suppose I felt the need to justify why I find someone else's boundless hope and optimisim to be so endlessly infuriating.

And you know what? It's not the doctors- or at least, it's not my doctors- because every one of them has told me I would feel much better if I improved my diet and exercised more, and every time I was like "Yeah, uh-huh, gimme some freaking pills." ... Well, not really, but that's been my attitude for the last few years, because I know that I'm never going to get to a point where I don't need pills, even if it was the pills that triggered the bipolar in the first place, which I find frankly debatable, though not entirely unlikely. I'm just... fucking... NO. I'M NOT GOING TO GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT ONE MORE PERSON WHO'S FOUND THE WAY AND THE LIGHT THROUGH PRUNE JUICE AND JUDICIOUS APPLICATION OF FISH OIL ON THE SAY-SO OF YOU AND SOME "REVIEWER," WHO'S PROBABLY BEING PAID TO RAVE ABOUT THIS FREAKING BOOK SO GULLIBLE IDIOTS WOULD RUN OUT AND BUY IT, LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO RIGHT NOW.

okay time to give the all-caps a rest. sorry. Just... for someone who's so all about naturalistic healing and all that shit, she sure was quick to put me on antidepressants when I was 8 years old and saying I wanted to die. Not that I think she was wrong- in fact, I don't know what the right thing would have been anyway- but I mentioned that to her and she didn't even remember. At first she denied doing it. It just... it all fucking pisses me off, is all.

*hugs* and support for everyone else. Hal, you're awesome and deserve good things. Ask to change up your meds if they don't seem to be working, and as long as your doctor's sane... gods what am I saying?

ARGH, OK. As long as your doctor knows basically what s/he's doing it can help. Best have an actual psychiatrist rather than a GP monitoring the goings-on, though... I've said that before, haven't I? Narg, I've just lost faith in my ability to give decent advice on the topic. I do believe I have got cranky and it is time for my nap.

Anyway, *HUGS* and *GOOD VIBES* to Hal, and anyone else for the taking. You guys are awesomeness. Smile

This message has been edited. Last edited by: VegaRiad,


-Natalie
----*-*-*-*----
I have heard the Languages of Apocalypse,
and now I shall embrace the silence.
 
Posts: 2775 | Location: The bottom of a small bowl of imaginary winged serpents | Registered: March 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Firekeeper's Sister
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Picture of VegaRiad
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oh wow, that post is kinda painful to look at. Sorry, guys. Good thing it's Flame Wars...


-Natalie
----*-*-*-*----
I have heard the Languages of Apocalypse,
and now I shall embrace the silence.
 
Posts: 2775 | Location: The bottom of a small bowl of imaginary winged serpents | Registered: March 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Administrator
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okay, *hugs* to Hal - I'm here for you if you want to chat, either to rant or to distract you with irrelevant chat Smile

*hugs* to Vega - optimism is a good thing, believing in snakeoil isn't optimism, it's blindness. you are right to hold onto what works for you until some of that snakeoil (if ever!) is proven, not a fad.

*more hugs* to both.


~
I prefer to live in a country that's small, and old, and where no one would ever have the NERVE to wear a cape in public, whether they could leap tall buildings in a single bound or not.

the parrot... ...gets tiresome.
the parrot... ...i ate him.


CHIKKINZ?
 
Posts: 20595 | Location: England | Registered: June 21, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is in perfect karmic alignment
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Hal *hugshugs*
Vega:
1) Diet and excercise can help
2) If you're sick they won't cure you by themselves.

But why flip out about your mom's (admitted) eccentricity?
She
-Put you on meds when you were little
-then later denied having done so, then stated she'd forgoten
-Is now stating you don't need meds, but the diet will magically cure you.

I don't know her, but fom your tales she seems to be rather fickle if not straight out mood-swing-ey.

You know that there will be (yet another) time where she'll have read an article/seen Oprah/heard from the neighbours that
-the meds are bad for you
-theres this amazing miracle cure
-it'll fix everything just like that

And for a time she'll be unbearably enthousiastic and bouncey and convinced untill she
-forgets
-gets bored with it
-decides to obsess about something else

That (correct me if i'm wrong) seems to be the cycle. It seems to have litle to do with you, medication or easing your depression. It seems to be about her.
So let it be about her. You have to try and find medication that'll help you. You probably should heed your doctors' advice as soon as you feel a little better and try to additionally improve your diet and excercise regime.
This might help you to strengthen your defences about your mom's eccentricities and enable you to see them for what they are. Sillyness not to be taken seriously.

Lots of luck and strength hon.
*hugs*


-------------------
Blog: Room with a view.

~You are a *Taverner*.
Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~
-Royko

 
Posts: 8667 | Location: Just north of Earth | Registered: July 02, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is irreducibly complex
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Picture of Weeble
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*hugs* for Hal. I am glad you are still at a point where you remember it being better.

*hugs* for Vega. Vega, I didn't get better until I broke off contact with the most insane members of my family; I needed some freedom from them in order to get my own help and follow through on the work. I hope that there is some way you can use social services in your area to get some freedom from your mother. It doesn't sound healthy at all. Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there.

Oh, and listen to Fins, she is wise. *nods*


~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~
Weeble: Vibrant and bouncy, like something one would find valiantly trying to escape from a Disney geneticist's specimen freezer. - Pelham Bleatwell, Esq.

 
Posts: 10991 | Location: *rattling the bars of my cage* | Registered: November 04, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
*Special Achievement Award Winner 2010* shines on like the stars
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In my teens and early twenty’s I had major depression issues. To this day I ware long sleeved shirts to hide the scars. Moving out of my mother’s house helped me separate her craziness form my own so I could deal with my own issues. There are no easy answers. It takes a combination of many things. Diet and exercise, meds and a good doctor, and a support base that is supportive. Even today I find that sometimes I need “happy practice”. (If you practice at something long enough you should get better at it.) The posts ahead of mine have good words of wisdom. Just remember that there are people out here that care.


+++
Life is too short to read a bad book.
 
Posts: 2485 | Location: Page 42 | Registered: December 27, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
mutant hedgehog worm
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Picture of halucinagenia
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thanks guys

at the moment I'm still fine to the world when I get to do fun stuff like go to hotr, or toronto like this weekend, but then 1am comes calling and i completely flip out

I can't face work i'm super stressed about money

All my budgets were based on my full income not on 66% which i still haven't been able to get up the guts to get the forms into the doctor even though they were fine with it, i can't even check my messages on my work phone.

And yeah i know i'm only 1/2 way down the spiral but i have no support where I am at the moment.

Dan is in Toronto at school, his family is okay but really doesn't understand hell my family only understands as i had to move home with my parents back when i was my worst for 3 years.

I have no friends in the town i'm in which is super hard. Part of why i hit the spiral downward to be fair.

I have me, and the cat, who is a cat.

I don't know how to get back up again last time i had drugs, financial support, family, friends a mum to cook, clean and look after me.

Right now my diet is so bad that I have permanent indigestion and my irritable bowl isn't controllable with meds. Those were what took me off work originally it's hard enough to deal with stuff when you don't have to run to the loo every 20mins.

Anyway end rant. I just don't know what to do!
 
Posts: 9895 | Location: The heart of gold | Registered: July 30, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is irreducibly complex
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Hal, is there anywhere you can stay while you finish up the forms and get some support (help/cooking) to get back into eating healthier for your IBS? Maybe Dan's parents would understand the physical symptoms and be better prepared to support you through them? I'm not saying to lie or to downplay the depression, just maybe that say that you need their help with the physical component of the struggle?

It sounds like you do* know what to do but that the depression is making doing it so much harder. It is like fighting through increased gravity to get stuff done. How are you doing with budgeting your energy? Don't let that energy get sucked up by the black hole, put that energy into taking care of yourself - even if it's only 10 minutes at a time! I truly hope you stop at halfway down the spiral. I don't want you suffering like this. I know I'm not alone in that.


*Pot, meet kettle; kettle, pot.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Weeble,


~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~ . . ~
Weeble: Vibrant and bouncy, like something one would find valiantly trying to escape from a Disney geneticist's specimen freezer. - Pelham Bleatwell, Esq.

 
Posts: 10991 | Location: *rattling the bars of my cage* | Registered: November 04, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Tori lookalike contest winner, 2001
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I don't have any words of wisdom to add, Hal, but it seems like others have offered some good advice here. So I'll throw in my support and a truck load of hugs :: delivers truckload of hugs to one, Hal ::


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The World's End.. as Sims!
 
Posts: 12393 | Location: Bowie's Pants | Registered: August 15, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is in perfect karmic alignment
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Hal:
I've been thinking and thinking about this. How can one deal with the spiral? How do i deal with it? How do i get out of the times when i feel like a rabbit in headlights unable to breathe, much less move?

And the only thing i can come up with, is probably the lamest advice ever. But for what it's worth here it is:

Start somewhere. Anywhere.
Make a deal with yourself about something, anything. Whether it be writing a diary, having lunch every day, finding some structure in going to bed/getting up. As specific as you can make it. (So not 'get more structure' but, for instance, 'at 14:00 make lunch')
Write it down. One thing or two at a time. And then do it.
Don't think.

What's helped me the most is the 'don't think' bit. Get up off the chair/couch/out of bed and go to the shower and shower. Don't think about it. Don't think 'I should' or 'I can't'. Then put your clothes on. Then (if you have something written down) go to the next one. Get lunch or read or whatever you've promised yourself.

Don't expect too much and don't get ambitious. Just get through the days doing the little things you wrote down.
Add one whenever you feel like you can handle it.

This sounds utterly dumb. But i've seriously thought it over and this is the one concrete thing i can tell you that has helped me get through the bad patches. I've decided to post it, because, however it sounds, maybe it can help someone a little.

Lots of luck, ~*healthvibes*~ and *hugs*.


-------------------
Blog: Room with a view.

~You are a *Taverner*.
Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~
-Royko

 
Posts: 8667 | Location: Just north of Earth | Registered: July 02, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
mutant hedgehog worm
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thanks guys
 
Posts: 9895 | Location: The heart of gold | Registered: July 30, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
has no member title
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Hal!
*hugs*
I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Weeble is right, though. I hope you find something to make it easier.
*feel better vibes*


__
I like it maybe 63 percent!
 
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has no knowledge of the Munich Incident, so stop asking
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