quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:
go out with him again.

this "spark" stuff makes me so angry.

Oh, it makes you angry? And wtf makes you angry about it?

Some girls DO know immediately if what they want is there. Some don't, like me.
But if it's not there she has every, EVERY right to tell the guy and not go on a date with him anymore.
Because anything else, going out for months until something better comes along, is leading the guy on. And then you guys would be complaining all over the place about the nasty girls and the nice guys who've been holding on to hope desperately that "she would change her mind".


There is no obligation for a girl to hang out with a guy until "something" miraculously develops. It's not a matter of giving someone chance, it's a matter of EITHER IT'S THERE OR IT ISN'T. And if Limer could tell after the first meeting (which doesn't seem the case, that's why I say why not try again) then it's best to make it short and painless for the guy.

And you may imagine it's pleasant to settle for someone you merely like, but most of us want more than an okay prize.

Except Limer hasn't said she was disenchanted by him, BtB - she just didn't get the wisk off her feet she's fantasized about. From what Limer's told me about him, he's a shy guy and probably quite nervous (I'd bloody well be). She had a nice evening, not a terrible one. It's definitely worth another go.

Very often the 'it' isn't there straight away, but takes easing out.

Oh, I see what you mean.
I'm puzzled because I don't think the "spark" has anything to do with the guy's performance and his temporary shyness. Unless his shyness is completely crippling and character deforming the certain something is either there or not.

And for me, yeah, I'm definitely a slow burner. I've never had lust at first sight myself. But I know some girls are different.

I'd say that as Limer is still trying this "normal dating" thing it makes sense to hang around and see what happens rather than rush off to the next guy. I just hope current date won't end up embittered about all the effort he made for all the dates with her and "no payoff!"

What do you mean by 'payoff', BtB?

If I were in his shoes I would have cause for optimism, if I had had a pleasant time too. I'm a pretty mundane guy so I very much doubt I'd ever wow a girl, not to the level I suspect you're thinking of anyway.

I just mean that "I spent all that money dating her and then it turns out she was leading me on and didn't want me after all. Then why the fuck did she go out with me in the first place if she knew right away she wasn't turned on?"

That kind of thing. To be read, very often, not only on this board.

Ah, I see. Well for me, that was exactly the correct response in one instance (she was only after attention and free food and drink, believe me). But I wouldn't say I think that of the others...my normal thought pattern is that I'm once again not good enough. End of.

Heh. Well, in the end it's about what works for Limer and her date.
And considering the amount of horrible first dates, it's really cool that they both had a good time.

quote:

Originally posted by Limertilly:
oh god. how do you deal with a pleasant date? what next? no spark, just a pleasant evening! aaaargh!

Sometimes that's how things start. See what happens.
Hell, if it was nice, worst case is that you've found yourself a new friend. Enough with the flailing

Is how I acquired the fella - multiple nice nights out, then stuff happened.

I just contacted a new person. Here's hoping I hear back.

quote:

I don't think the "spark" has anything to do with the guy's performance and his temporary shyness

i know i'm a bit late but i just wanted to ditto this. i am one of those people who generally knows whether or not they're attracted to someone pretty much straight off. and it has very little, if anything, to do with how the guy presents himself and everything to do with what's going on in my head.

Why do I suddenly feel more convinced than ever that I'll die single...

why? what i've basically just said is that if someone with the same mindset as me likes you, they'll like you. regardless of how self conscious you are on your first date. and i've also said that not everyone is like that.

hum. i didn't know that was gonna make such waves. cobalt, stop raining your anger all over the place, specifically at my "spark" business. i'm fed up with your responses to this stuff, and yes, this is flame wars, so i'm going to say so.

i might have had a different attitude if he seemed shy, but he didn't at all. we get on well, and have much to talk about, but there was a level of awkwardness that i'm not used to when i talk to people. ok, that's because BOTH of us are newish to the dating game, or coming back to it after a LONG break, so i can forgive nervousness on both our parts. but i don't want to be in the position, in 6 months time, of having to say "actually, this hasn't worked for me at ANY point since i've met you, i'm going to ditch you now", because that way i'll lose a friend as well. i don't know if this has the potential to be anything other than a friendship, and i'm not willing to lead him on. he seems to be much keener than i am (nothing new there, which is a weird thing to acknowledge given my self-esteem issues, but it does generally seem to be the case with men) and i don't quite know how to handle that, particularly given that i'm ready to settle down, and don't want to settle with the wrong person.

It's up to how you feel, really.
If you think that awkwardness might fade, I'd go out again and see how that goes and then decide what to do.

What BtB said...

ETA: And the awkwardness is probably natural. After all, normally you'd meet in a social setting and get to know each other and see a certain something in each other before you actually go for a date. This is a bit more edgy, you meet someone and both sides know they are checking each other out and being checked out for potential romance. It's added stress.

yeah, it is, and i think it's probably partly because it's *extremely* weird timing for me, what with the new medication and so on. adding more anxiety is probably not a good idea right now, right?

maybe i'll just let him know that it's awkward, funny/peculiar timing for me, leave it at that for a while, then go back to it.

So - since this thread is about dating sites - does anyone want to weigh in on feeling "spark" or "chemistry" even before you meet someone - you know communication via email, IM, Skype, telephone - all tell you that this person and you "spark" before you meet them.

It may be rare or seem crazy - but it has happened to me.
What do you all think?

I seem to always feel the spark on my side, but the other never does.

When I did the online dating thing, I had the "spark" happen a few times via IM.

Quite a few times the spark translated well to in-person. By "tanslating well" I mean that there was definite attraction on both sides, enough for a few casual dates that led to make-out sessions that lead to *shrug*. One those spark moments turned into a somewhat long-term/ long-distance dating scenario. A couple online sparks turned cold upon the in-person meeting---not because I didn't find them good-looking, just because our in-person vibe felt more like friends and less like romantic partners.

That said, I met TLOML NOT online, and while I was attracted to him, the initial spark was not as intense as the initial chemsitry with some of the guys I met online. I have a feeling that for me, if there's an intense attraction to begin with, it's fated to burn out quickly, either from me losing interest or the other partner. With TLOMl, I feel like we are constantly commited to nurturing and building the spark between us.