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Unsent Correspondence, Letter you may or may not send, Part 3
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Weirdy American Tart Thing
Member
Picture of Maeve
posted
Dear Smaug

Here ya go!



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Companion to owls
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Dear Tokio Hotel,

You've always been shit in a completely awful and shitty way no one else had tapped into before. And I know everyone else is doing it these days, but please quit copying Lady Gaga. It's very disturbing, even for you.

BTW, next time I'm watching TV late at night, please DO NOT show up.

Thanks,
Me


Dear Enrique Iglesias,

Pretty much what I just said above. Plus, damn your dad.

Me


 
Posts: 11802 | Location: home? | Registered: June 19, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Starving artist doctor - well, not starving, but if you happen to have an extra biscuit lying around . . .
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Picture of Causa Varmilly
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Dear Pipe Bomb Idiots,

Fuck off an die.


Dear Policeman #1,

You are an obstructive fuckwit. Please also fuck off, although I will let you live if you promise to stop doing stupid things like not telling people who live in the area what is going on.


Dear Policeman #2,

You were lovely. You should give #1 lessons, except he is possibly too stupid to live, so it would e a wasted effort.


Dear PSNI,

Please employ less idiots and adopt a policy of TELLING RESIDENTS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, DEAR GOD.


Me.


------------------------------
You are a Leprechaun. I'm not even sure what you are. Whiskey-soaked reports from your baffling Isle of Ire raise more questions than they answer. Are you a dwarf? Where's your pickax? If you're an elf, why don't you cobble? You'd think with all your gold, you could invest in some land, perhaps a title, and improve your station. Instead, you hide it in meteorologically-determined locations. You're getting killed on inflation, little friend!
 
Posts: 9036 | Location: Belfast, NI | Registered: April 16, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Companion to owls
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Dear Whatever In My Body's Making My Toes Numb,

For fuck's sake, stop, I'm going funcking mental.

Out of her mind,
Me


Dear Body,

I do everything I'm supposed to do. Ok, I could be better, but honestly -mild exercise twice a week, proper eating, supplements, good posture every time I sit down, walk as much as I can, and I'm the most ergonomicall-yconscious person I know. Plus visits to trusted physical therapists whenever I can.

SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP BREAKING DOWN!!??? What am I suposed to do taht I don't already do? What do you want from me? There's nothing even seriously wrong with us! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE NORMAL!!

Looking forward to your reply,
Your tenant


 
Posts: 11802 | Location: home? | Registered: June 19, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is currently hovering somewhere near Saturn
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Dear Me

Tonight, you are going to go to sleep at a reasonable time. then, in the morning, you are going to wake up at a reasonable time. you are going to continue to do this every night from here on in. ok? because this bodyclock shit is getting OLD and watching the dawn two days in a row is a bad idea. also, eating breakfast at 2 and lunch at 11.30 and no dinner is a BAD idea. very bad. don't do that again.

Now continue with the knitting because it is stopping you snoozing, and you need to power through.

Love from your commonsense.


Limertilly: A pagan deity forgotten by man and therefore banished to the realms of memory and darkness now remembered by a young girl in downtown L.A. in the form of a dream and therefore freed to reap your revenge on the people who discarded you, thereby forcing said girl to learn to use her innate yet awesome powers as a soothsayer to gather forces of the Earth to defy you and once more banish you to your cold, cold prisoooooon

blog: http://limertillysfoodporn.wordpress.com/

My sister's band, what I am very very proud of: www.bit.ly/toodar
 
Posts: 26263 | Location: your left ear | Registered: June 28, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is like fusion cuisine, if Canada can be seen as having a cuisine.
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Dear NYC Air Quality -

Please, please improve? Just for the next two or three days until I get to go back to the breezes and clean air in Honolulu?
I'm tired of the sore throat I've had since I arrived here.

Thanks,

Me


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no maps for these places we're lost within
Originally Registered: June 14, 2007
 
Posts: 2535 | Location: Happy Place | Registered: October 27, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is like fusion cuisine, if Canada can be seen as having a cuisine.
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Dear D. -

How do you not know my mom?

She doesn't like pets that bite, growl, and bark at her kids in her own house. She likes a clean home, not one covered in dog hair from dogs that don't belong to her.

And also when you are a guest at someone's house, it'd be nice to give an arrival time - and actually try to arrive then instead of a day later, at 10:30 pm. What the hell is that?
And it doesn't help that you, D., kind of bore my mom and you take forever to say what you mean.

Please. You told my mom you'd be staying from Saturday to Monday. You arrived Sunday and you're still at her house on Wednesday with no information on when you're leaving!

My momma is a neat, tidy, clean person who keeps her home the same way. And she likes to have a schedule - it's how she's stayed sane with her big family.

You have gross dogs, you're inconsiderate to someone you call your friend, and I wish I could call you out on this.

Get a clue, please. Stop making my momma miserable and get your nasty-ass dogs OUT OF HER HOUSE.

Helpless and too far away to do anything,

Me


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no maps for these places we're lost within
Originally Registered: June 14, 2007
 
Posts: 2535 | Location: Happy Place | Registered: October 27, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
was not written by a man named "Cougar"
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To the unknown culprit:

I know we share desks, but that does not give you the right to pull my clearly labeled bag of trail mix out of the drawer and eat all the m&m's.

For future notice, I might not have noticed if you'd been eating it all the peanuts/almonds/raisins evenly, or even remembering to put it back in the drawer and not leave it next to the keyboard.

I hope you choke on a peanut,
me


----------------
Duck...duck...duck...duck...BOOBS!

 
Posts: 4109 | Location: Tacoma! (Because really, who wants to live in Seattle?) | Registered: October 11, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is in perfect karmic alignment
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Dear Uni,

If you absolutely have to give us from the 12th (13:00) to the 19th as the only opportunity to subscribe for classes, would you mind seeing to it that subjects for which there is only *one* group aren't full at the 12th at 14:00 hrs?
It wouldn't be so bad, if i hadn't been f5-ing from 13:00 until 14:00 because of a server error which meant i couldn't log on to subscribe *at all* for any class. Server was over capacity. Which meant that an hour in, when i finally succeeded to gain access, the *one* group you have *one* time a week for the subject was full.
You had better get me a spot anyway. I am paying for my classes, you know.
You have a great many students and a database from 1904. This is bad news for your students who have the drive and the motivation to want to study at your university. We've worked hard to have the opportunity to even get access to reach for our masters. Please give us access to classes too.

Sincerely yours
and *very* irritated

'Fins.

P.S. My college-mate couldn't subscribe because you hadn't administrated that she had actually *passed* all the necissary classes, so *she* cannot subscribe to *any* subject *whatsoever* and you tell her to keep trying? What's that about??


-------------------
Blog: Room with a view.

~You are a *Taverner*.
Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~
-Royko

 
Posts: 8667 | Location: Just north of Earth | Registered: July 02, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
lives deliberately
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Dear Burger King,

I guiltily admit that I purchased my lunch from you today. I was in a hurry, the Wendy's drive thru had a long line, and you were there. I try to be a good, health-conscious consumer, and it was tough to be so with your menu because you seem to glorify all that is fried and soaked in fat--even McDonalds offers more salads than you--all you have is a sad pile of iceberg lettuce with a couple tomatoes thrown in. So I settled on a grilled chicken sandwich and a diet coke. Your illustration of your chicken sandwich makes it look fresh and inviting, piled with crisp lettuce and juicy tomato slices. Your faceless cashier at the drive thru even suggested I get a slice of cheese on the sandwich and I shrugged and said "why not", thinking I was giving myself a little bit of leeway on the fat front, but not too much.

But here's the thing: when you slather your sandwich in a gallon of mayonnaise, it's not healthy, and the integrity of the sandwich is highly compromised. It was impossible to keep the bread around the veggies and the meat and the cheese-- when I tried to use a more firm grip, my fingers plunged through the bread which was made spongy from soaking in the Sea of Mayo you deemed necessary to douse a perfectly good chicken breast in.

Was it really necessary? Can't you at least *try* to suit the needs of calorie conscious customers by offering something fresh and not slathered in a gelatinous mass of lard?

Just sayin.

Al


ego forceps ergo ego forceps


****
"Chives?"�
"Yes, m'lud?"�
"Is that Ms Ephemera hovering over the croquet lawn?"�
"Indeed m'lud. She's marshalled all the haggle-dans. Missy-twigs and vale-nymphs from Claypole Woods. Apparently she intends to tear this house down and dance on the ruins."�
"Well, Chives, you'd better start the car, what? And pack my tennis things too"�
--- Joe 3Heads
 
Posts: 11426 | Location: In a perpetual state of Ohio | Registered: December 02, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Starving artist doctor - well, not starving, but if you happen to have an extra biscuit lying around . . .
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Picture of Causa Varmilly
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Dear Unite,

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE STOP ME GETTING ON HOLIDAY.
You all make three times what I do, too. Wankers.

No love,
Me.


------------------------------
You are a Leprechaun. I'm not even sure what you are. Whiskey-soaked reports from your baffling Isle of Ire raise more questions than they answer. Are you a dwarf? Where's your pickax? If you're an elf, why don't you cobble? You'd think with all your gold, you could invest in some land, perhaps a title, and improve your station. Instead, you hide it in meteorologically-determined locations. You're getting killed on inflation, little friend!
 
Posts: 9036 | Location: Belfast, NI | Registered: April 16, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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Dear LL Bean commercial,

Kindly fuck off, and take that warbly earworm with you.

Me



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
lives deliberately
Member
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Dear Whiney McWhinerson at Work,

You're having a tough time of it and you're reaching out to others so you can get some words of comfort and maybe a hug or two. I understand. However, considering the fact that we barely speak at work, let alone never socialize, it's a bit awkward to be cornered by you and told the intimate details of your problems. And it's also a bit distracting when you arrive at work and make a general announcement about your mounting problems. I'm glad that you've started to see a therapist but I don't need to hear the ins and outs of each session. Everyone's entitled to a few "poor me" moments, but this is really starting to wear thin. I want to be sympathetic and compassionate but I'm starting to feel a bit manipulated.

I hope that things turn around for you soon, but I'm starting to suspect that you thrive on drama. The thing is, I'm not really a fan and wouldn't pay for a ticket.

Sincerely,
Al


ego forceps ergo ego forceps


****
"Chives?"�
"Yes, m'lud?"�
"Is that Ms Ephemera hovering over the croquet lawn?"�
"Indeed m'lud. She's marshalled all the haggle-dans. Missy-twigs and vale-nymphs from Claypole Woods. Apparently she intends to tear this house down and dance on the ruins."�
"Well, Chives, you'd better start the car, what? And pack my tennis things too"�
--- Joe 3Heads
 
Posts: 11426 | Location: In a perpetual state of Ohio | Registered: December 02, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Companion to owls
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quote:
Originally posted by Al. Just Al.:
Dear Burger King,

... grilled chicken sandwich ... slather your sandwich in a gallon of mayonnaise ... impossible to keep the bread around the veggies and the meat and the cheese-- when I tried to use a more firm grip, my fingers plunged through the bread which was made spongy ...



Agree completely. Had one of those the other day on a whim (hadn't set foot on a Burger King, McDonald's or any other fast food joint for 6 years exactly). (Chippies don't count Big Grin.) I thought the chicken was my best bet, but before I could finish it I was feeling kind of sick. It'll be longer than 6 years before I do that again...


 
Posts: 11802 | Location: home? | Registered: June 19, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Great wyrm of Toronto
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Dear TTC:

What can I say? If we lived in Bizarro World, all of those impromptu coffee breaks between stops and slow driving would equal "faster than the speed of light," and timely, efficient service would slower coming than the new millennium.

I think it just goes without saying that you suck and I hope you get replaced one day with something far better.

No love,
me

Dear You:

This happened over a week ago. You know, I understand why you wanted me out of your house. It was long past the time to leave and I was probably getting in the way of your daily matters. All right. Fine. I was just waiting for my friend to leave so that we could leave together.

But I could have really done without the attitude. I genuinely didn't know what other cleaning I could do at your place seeing as my friend and yourself were doing so well. And, honestly, the correct response to being asked where something should go should have been "It goes there," instead of, "If you have to ask, don't bother" or "you're not helping if you have to ask."

I didn't want to misplace anything you wanted clean in a certain way. Up until that week, I really respected your place and you. And maybe you were having a really bad day. But that was no excuse for your behavior. Because, I suspect, that when you said "I think everyone should leave," you meant me more than my friend.

Suffice to say, I suspect you don't like me. Which is a shame because, frankly, I'm not a really bad guy. I try to be considerate and I make connections with people and I care about them: much like you do.

So I don't know where this attitude comes from -- if it exists. But I will continue to go to your home as long as my friends are there. I will be cordial to you. I will even clean up after myself like I did last night. I suspect you really don't like me and frankly, right now, I don't like that much either.

But I can be cordial. Even polite. And that is all I will be from now on. For someone who makes yourself look to be so open and caring, and makes your space gentle and peaceful you did hurt my feelings -- to the point of becoming disillusioned with what was otherwise a really good atmosphere -- and I am just hoping that eventually I will be able to be a bigger man about it and let it go. Until then, I will be polite and do what I have to, but I am staying out of your way.

Take care.
-- me

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mythos,


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You can't take the sky from me.
 
Posts: 6054 | Location: Canada | Registered: July 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by Mythos:
I understand why you wanted me out of your house. It was long past the time to live...


That's one shitty party, man.

 Sorry. 


 
Posts: 11802 | Location: home? | Registered: June 19, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Great wyrm of Toronto
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Dear Clover:

You should have seen the other typos I deleted. ;P

*Hugs*

-- me


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You can't take the sky from me.
 
Posts: 6054 | Location: Canada | Registered: July 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
has no member title
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Lol! Mythos, that's an awesome typo, though.
*hugs*
That was a very ungraceous host!


__
I like it maybe 63 percent!
 
Posts: 15475 | Location: Bouncing round in bathrooms! | Registered: October 19, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is like fusion cuisine, if Canada can be seen as having a cuisine.
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Dear Aunt of my Husband -

He's freaking 27 years old not 5. Please. Please.

Just stop.

Frustrated,

Your niece-in-law


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no maps for these places we're lost within
Originally Registered: June 14, 2007
 
Posts: 2535 | Location: Happy Place | Registered: October 27, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Great wyrm of Toronto
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Dear Doctor's Receptionist:

Why is it I get a phone call from my Dad telling me that you phoned him to tell me that my doctor wants to speak to me and says that I am Vitamin B12 Deficient?

You have my number on file. You have called my number before. Moreover, every time I've tried phoning you I have gotten an answering machine that I'm told not to use, a full voice mail box message, and a busy signal that has been persisting for a half an hour without call waiting.

And I even waited that half an hour for you to come back from lunch and yet somehow -- mysteriously -- I have been unable to call back and make an appointment.

This is inexcusable. You do not phone the wrong number of a patient when you have it on file. You do not speak anyone about the patient's status -- even if they are their parents. And you don't say: "Oh, the doctor wants to talk with you," and then not pick up the fucking phone for over an hour when said patient takes the time to call you back.

And all of this could have been avoided if you had taken the time to look for the phone number that I very kindly provided you with a long time ago. Chances are, this is nothing and the doctor just wants a meeting so that the government will pay him a little extra. But it would be really fucking nice if you did your fucking job and answered the goddamn fucking phone.

I'm sorry: maybe it's just my B12 deficiency talking right now. I think it makes me a little cranky when it comes to incompetence.

No love,
M


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Posts: 6054 | Location: Canada | Registered: July 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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