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Unsent Correspondence, Letter you may or may not send, Part 3
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Great wyrm of Toronto
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Picture of Mythos
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Dear Dad:

I'm going to try to do something different tonight. I'm going to try to say this with as little profanity as possible.

When a child reaches their mid-twenties, or older it is about that time when they are adults. Not just legally, but in terms of intellect and sometimes even experience and maturity. Certainly, someone who has a job, an education, can vote, can drink, and have consensual relationships is around that adult range. There are exceptions to this, of course, but we are not any of them.

I have a lot of theories as to why you never grew past the helicopter-parent stage. But you know, none of them are really relevant right now. What is relevant right now are two things.

First of all, today when I went to my therapy, when I told you twice that I did not need a ride back, that should have been the end of it. Frankly, I should have only had to answer you once. You know that if I want something from you, I will ask. You can offer: that's fine, but there is a fine-line between offering a ride home or a favour and trying to force the issue to make yourself feel better. The text message, the third time you asked, was also not necessary.

Also, when I see you pacing around halfway across the block as I come home from a meeting or a walk, I am not pleased. I am over thirty years old, I have lived on my own, with my girlfriend, I have a University level education and it is the afternoon in a suburban neighbourhood. Frankly, that kind of behaviour is rather invasive and a little insulting: because I am an adult and I do not need you to look out for me.

Frankly, this is getting a little embarrassing and while you have been a lot better than you used to be, you need to remember a thing called personal boundaries and personal space.

But I was willing to overlook this today. I simply turned another path and ignored you. It's much the same reason why I don't have my phone ringer on: more out of habit than anything you have done lately, mind you: I will give you that.

But tonight ...

Tonight was different. My brother has a job. He was working a special shift and you knew he would be late. You also knew that his phone wasn't working. But instead of simply going to bed, or waiting upstairs quietly, or just going outside to look for him with little fanfare, you proceeded to have a loud, long huff, then you left--which I think was the best thing you could do since you were so worked up at that point--and then began to keep fucking calling the house's main landline--repeatedly--disrupting Mom's sleep with your worrying and now this noise and my sense of patience and fucking sanity past 1 in the bloody morning.

I mean, granted, it would have made more sense if Mom had her cellphone on and you just communicated like that, but that would just be common sense and we're not talking about Mom right now. Mom has the good graces to give us our personal space because we are adults and she recognizes that if we want help, we will ask for it, and if you want help you just need to ask.

Tonight is just an example of why this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. It is unnecessary, neurotic, and ultimately futile. At least you understand that I want to get back into the position where I can live on my own and support myself again, but I don't think you quite realize why I moved out to begin with.

And this is why. Right here.

You have difficulty minding other people's personal boundaries: such as if I don't want to go into details about what I did when I went out, I am an adult and I do not have to tell you anything I don't want to save for what I choose to volunteer. I do not need you to worry about me because it is a futile anxiety-inducing emotion that will not solve any problem: least of all your anxiety.

You cannot control what happens to me or anyone else. You are just an aging man who has good intentions and genuinely a good person. You can actually really nice to talk with when it is about history, film, and even some life events.

But this ... this has, and it will never be good. For any of us. Although I am sure you will never do this--with or without the suggestion--I think you need some psychiatric help. I think you need someone to talk to about this anxiety that you are experiencing. I think you may even need some medication to manage said anxiety. Because this anxiety and neurotic behaviour from an otherwise good person, does not reflect on us.

Your behaviour reflects on you. And, from I understand, adulthood is about owning your feelings and taking responsibility for them: and not trying making them someone else's problem.

This all ties into another part of our dynamic: mainly, your enabling. Your enabling has been the hardest thing that I, or I'm sure my brother, has ever had to fight to overcome. Our whole lives you have tried to overprotect us and do everything for us. Some people would see this as over-generosity. But it isn't.

It is a form of smothering and worse: it is something that makes it difficult to know when it is okay to ask for help and when to fight against that sense of forced dependency ingrained in from childhood. Because it is crippling. It hampered a lot of, at least my sense, of individuality and independence. It reduces me to a sense of being an invalid and I am not five anymore. I am thirty-one years old. I am an adult and I am tired of you projecting your insecurities onto me and making everything unpleasant for everyone else around you when you get into that state.

And in light of that feeling of smothering, over-protectiveness, invasiveness, undermining and pushiness on your part, I do not wonder why there are times when despite all the good things you've done for me, that I very distinctly hate you.

I will tell you: that when I had my apartment and I hadn't been forced to move back in, it was such a tremendous relief to not be in this situation anymore: when you were just an occasional visitor and a voice on a phone that I made into a text on my phone or email that I was gradually reducing in power. There is nothing more satisfying and relieving than the times I regulated this part of you to my voice box or a brief text and the tremendous satisfaction of that fact.

But that is neither nor there. This is reality now. And the reality of the situation goes a little something like this. I am looking for a job, and I am undertaking a large amount of work. As such, I am not going to be in this house as often as I have been. Ironically, this is something you have been encouraging me to do. I am going to go out. I am going to build a schedule and a routine. I cannot afford to be distracted by this house anymore than I have to be.

And when I am outside, I feel a greater sense of agency. I can narrow down my distractions, get some of my space back, and work on my work ethic. The fact is, in addition to getting help of my own, I am starting the process of helping myself.

And I just wish, even knowing how different our views are, that you would begin to help yourself too.

You tell me that one day, if--you used to say when--I have children, I will understand. But I think I already do. And if I do have children, and I'm not sure I will have them because I might be too old to even play with them by the time I ever consider it or if my chosen path will make it feasible, I will teach them to be something entirely different than what I am.

I will take care of them in the beginning when they can't fend for themselves: and teach them the basics. I will encourage them to ask questions. I will eventually hope to show them that everyone--including they--have the limitations of their own experience. But more than that, I'd want to encourage them to be independent and self-sufficient--to think for themselves--and never ever feel like I am a shadow over them trying to cripple and stunt them with love: and only step in when something actually needs to be done ... and only moreso in childhood.

To be honest, I'm not even sure how emotionally close I can be to children: even my own. I'm kind of the opposite of you: except when it comes to pets. If it makes you feel any better, I have learned from you and I hope that our next encounter in this house you and Mom have been generous enough to let me live in again I can talk about some kind of new achievement I made, or a friend I talked with, or a film, or some history, or joke about executing stupid people like we usually do. That always brings a smile to my face.

I hope one day we can continue the trend of speaking and treating each other like adults--with differing views and life experience--while still somehow loving each other. So take care, Dad, and have an excellent night.

sincerely,
M

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mythos,


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You can't take the sky from me.
 
Posts: 6054 | Location: Canada | Registered: July 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Great wyrm of Toronto
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You:

You told me once, before you came to visit, that eventually you would be seeking a relationship that was romantic. It's been a long time and long past the point when I should have said this, but tonight seems as good a night as any to write this letter I'm never going to send.

The idea of romance is something that was derived from the 18th century idea of the sublime in Nature and the Gothic in architecture and literature. It was the spirit of poetry and art. But that is not what you were talking about back then. No, you were talking about romance in the sense of a relationship: of caring about and loving someone and making them a priority in your life.

So let me tell you what I think romance is by that very definition and then what I think you believe it is even now.

I think romance is talking with someone for over a year and trading stories about their lives. I think romance is making time to talk to that other person. I think romance is trying to cheer up the person you care about when they are sad, or listening to them when they have problems. I think romance is sharing interests and passing files and links of music and other things those involved might like. I think romance is knowing when someone is in pain and giving them the space that they ask for. I think romance is wishing you can cuddle with that person all the way from across the ocean and trying to do as best you can on Skype.

I think romance is showing off the place that you live to that person when they visit. I think it is making a space for them in your place. I think it is sinking your teeth into their skin and holding them for dear life and being afraid of that inevitable time when they have to go. I think romance is caresses and hugs, and mutual movie watching, and even cleaning out an apartment when one person doesn't even have to and they want to, and making another person drink apple juice and rub their back to comfort them and actually make their headache go away.

I think romance is when you care about someone enough that you can advise them to let go of something that isn't good for them. I think romance is introducing those you love to your friends and the rest of your loved ones. I think romance is taking a late night bus together and dancing and going to your place together and sleep in each other's arms in a cramped bed. It's dining and exploring together. It's all the emails and the private messages and the encouragement.

And it is friendship.

But when you told me, just days before you came--when your plans fell through--that you wanted romance, I knew that what you meant was monogamy: with another person after me. And I know now that all of what I listed above was just casual to you.

Sometimes I wish I could say that as a friend you had at least owed me, in the beginning, the decency to tell me the truth: before I became so attached to you. It would have saved me a lot of pain. But really, it would have happened anyway: if only because of the lust, and the loneliness and the sympathy and common interests. Sometimes, especially when we engage in the stilted, distant occasional conversations that we do now compared the more meaningful deeper more intimate ones of the past, I wish I had never met you.

But that's just a mood. And, for it's worth, I'm glad I got to show you what my idea of romance was: no matter how flawed my application of it actually may be.

sincerely,
M

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mythos,


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You can't take the sky from me.
 
Posts: 6054 | Location: Canada | Registered: July 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Lagomorphic wannabe
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Wish I hadn't read that Mythos. I want to cry for you but I'm at work. So I'll wait. Massive hugs. So sorry things haven't worked this time. One day they will. One day. x


*********

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Kurt Vonnegut
 
Posts: 2705 | Location: Woman of Kent | Registered: October 10, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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Dear You,

Apparently you've finally figured out we don't merely like different things we actually have almost nothing in common. I don't really understand your goals in life or your lifestyle, but I wish you well.

Love,
Me



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Dear Me,

Apparently you haven't yet figured out that if you post in that thread that it'll show until someone else posts in another thread. And well, waiting for a shoe spammer just won't do, so you need to post in another thread. Smile



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Smartest woman in the world.
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Happy birthday, Mommy.

I miss you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parenthetical enthusiast.
 
Posts: 8092 | Location: On the 34th Floor | Registered: November 04, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Dearest Weeble,

I have no advice, just *hugs* and vibes and well wishes.

And since I used another thread to post a whine, here's another one:

Dear You,

Are we actually going to stop merely talking about it and really do it this year? I'm tired of waiting.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Yet another cryptic post...

Dear You,

Please don't make me second guess my decision to not do something that I really wanted to do.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is currently hovering somewhere near Saturn
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Picture of Limertilly
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Fair Warning:

One of these days I am seriously, truly and irrevocably going to snap. And when I do, I will stop self-censoring in your company. And when that happens, You Are Not Going To Like It.

That isn't a threat. It's not a promise. I mean it when I say it's fair warning. You are pushing me to the point where I will say things that you will regret a great deal, and I don't think you will want to recover any sort of relationship out of it. It will lead you to hate me. I don't want that to happen. But more than a year into my therapy and I'm still unpacking the damage you have done to me, and the ongoing damage you continue to do to me.

And when the moment comes that I decide to stand up for myself, and away from you, you will hear some of the details. I already know you'll find a way to justify those details to yourself, as you do with every teeny tiny home truth that finds its way to your door. And you'll blame me entirely for my childish outburst, which is how you'll think of it. And those facts are what will finally mean that we can't continue with any sort of relationship at all. Because once I stand up, I'm not going to lie down again. I won't be able to live with myself if I do. If I just give in to you again. If you win.

The battle lines are being drawn, slowly but surely. In the war for my independence.

With simmering resentment, and a biting of tongues that could lead to me never speaking to you again

Your daughter.


Limertilly: A pagan deity forgotten by man and therefore banished to the realms of memory and darkness now remembered by a young girl in downtown L.A. in the form of a dream and therefore freed to reap your revenge on the people who discarded you, thereby forcing said girl to learn to use her innate yet awesome powers as a soothsayer to gather forces of the Earth to defy you and once more banish you to your cold, cold prisoooooon

blog: http://limertillysfoodporn.wordpress.com/

My sister's band, what I am very very proud of: www.bit.ly/toodar
 
Posts: 26263 | Location: your left ear | Registered: June 28, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Friendship. That's what it's all about, right? Like how I was so desperate for it that I let you tell me that I should dress better and bathe better and not speak my mind quite so much and then I could be your friend. I vaguely remember there was an agreement that I signed. But I just wanted friends. I wanted what normal people have. And then there was a time with a concert in New York City and you were going to take me. Your mom talked to my mum and it was cool. And then she was sad and you wanted to impress her more than you wanted to make me happy and well, you just knew I'd understand.

And then there was 10th grade when you all fucking abandoned me and I was utterly alone. But I still went back because I craved friendship. Craved it so much that I'd buy it with gifts if I had to. Drive you all around. My grandmother bought you all off too, because you were my friends.

And then I went off, to a far distant coast and you came and cheered me on, but when I got there, all you could send me were religious pamphlets about how I was going to hell.

And then the weddings, I don't think I was even invited, except as a last minute thing. Oh and thanks for the ever so important 'job' that totally made up for everyone else being in the wedding party.

And it's not like I'm difficult to find. Even when I didn't live here, mum did and she always knew how to find me. And it's still the same number as it always was. You know, when you used to call and whinge on about whatever horrors were happening in your life.

I was always there for all of you. Always. At 3 in the morning when your boyfriends left you, to drive you around and drop you off, even though I wasn't invited. But if I wanted something and didn't get it, it was always, oh, but you understand.

That was my template for friendship, until I found the Board and discovered what true friends really are.

I love you people so much! You actually want me around. And so this is me, whingeing that I don't get to interact with you all as much as I feel I need to. And why I default to gifts and buying things. It's how I'm programmed to be. I had shitty friends who took advantage of that part of my nature and that's how I think I am expected to be.

At least now, those actions come from a place of love, not because I'm desperate for you all to love me. (well, a bit, but... yeah)

I'm just really sad tonight because a thing happened and I realised that I was always made to feel like I was never good enough. I was the group's ugly little mongrel who would whine and beg and come back after being kicked and ignored. And to realise that I'm still just that pathetic teenager who wanted a friend.

I love you people and I know you're my friends, but you're also just words typed in a box on a screen and it's only slightly outside my own head, where I spend far too much time, all alone.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is currently hovering somewhere near Saturn
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Dear Maeve

If you ever need to actually talk, let me know. Skype or gmail video chat or whatever. If you want more than words on a screen, just ask.

That's all

Limer


Limertilly: A pagan deity forgotten by man and therefore banished to the realms of memory and darkness now remembered by a young girl in downtown L.A. in the form of a dream and therefore freed to reap your revenge on the people who discarded you, thereby forcing said girl to learn to use her innate yet awesome powers as a soothsayer to gather forces of the Earth to defy you and once more banish you to your cold, cold prisoooooon

blog: http://limertillysfoodporn.wordpress.com/

My sister's band, what I am very very proud of: www.bit.ly/toodar
 
Posts: 26263 | Location: your left ear | Registered: June 28, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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I know I can! Smile

That's because you people are really friends and I finally had the epiphany that the answer to my question of 'why am I never good enough?' is because it was never me who wasn't good enough! And then I got weepy and maudlin and meh.

Someday soon I hope we can have real hugs!



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Melittosphex sapiens
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Dear Maeve - I miss you a great deal and wish you'd come to twitter!

love, Hive xx

(And also I'm totally hypocritical because lots of people are on fb and I refuse to go on there...)


***********************
"bring on the be-tentacled oppressors" - fluffyllama
 
Posts: 15843 | Registered: April 12, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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I keep trying to get on twitter and it keeps breaking my tiny little brain.

I don't know why, I just can't get into the flow of it.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Great wyrm of Toronto
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Picture of Mythos
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Dear You:

Who's useless now?

Sometimes the best revenge is going about your life, and living it.

I hope you're enjoying what you made of yours.


______________________________
You can't take the sky from me.
 
Posts: 6054 | Location: Canada | Registered: July 11, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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