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They Fuck You Up, Your Mum And Dad
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really is wicked
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Picture of St.Barbarella
posted
Sometimes, I've decided, parents suck.

My parents suck.

So says Philip Larkin:

quote:
Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.


Some parents are great, my friends parents for example. They were my surrogate family. They understood, they advised accordingly, and they listened.

And I don't intend to fuck my children up that much, and I still want to have kids so I can build "The Family I Never Had". But man, some parents are just worse than others.

Apart from what I've blogged about my dad, my mother is driving me crazy, still. She talks at me, not too me, she doesn't listen, and I know I've been on about this before but IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!

So blah. I've decided my idea of 'growing up' is to outgrow all the neurosis good old mother and father have lumbered me with.


-----------------------------

St.Barbarella:
Sexy Tart.
Buys Ale, Reads Books, And Really Enjoys Leaving Lovers Aching - JP


yes, University is all about incontinence - Mythos

You are a Tradesman. Long before labor unions, your guilds were powerful enough to make a free-market capitalist run away screaming. Who controls the British Crown? Who keeps the metric system down? You do, you do.
 
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the Euphonious
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good luck with that. i'm not even AWARE of most of what they did to me, but it still has a massive and profound effect on the way i live my life and the kind of "fun" i'm having. for "fun", read "nightmares".


Limertilly: A pagan deity forgotten by man and therefore banished to the realms of memory and darkness now remembered by a young girl in downtown L.A. in the form of a dream and therefore freed to reap your revenge on the people who discarded you, thereby forcing said girl to learn to use her innate yet awesome powers as a soothsayer to gather forces of the Earth to defy you and once more banish you to your cold, cold prisoooooon

blog: http://limertillysfoodporn.wordpress.com/

My sister's band, what I am very very proud of: www.bit.ly/toodar
 
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really is wicked
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God bless those nightmares.

The freakiest thing about going to therapy, is uncovering a whole load of things you never realised were caused by suck-ass parents. Blasted Pandora's box!


-----------------------------

St.Barbarella:
Sexy Tart.
Buys Ale, Reads Books, And Really Enjoys Leaving Lovers Aching - JP


yes, University is all about incontinence - Mythos

You are a Tradesman. Long before labor unions, your guilds were powerful enough to make a free-market capitalist run away screaming. Who controls the British Crown? Who keeps the metric system down? You do, you do.
 
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Weirdy American Tart Thing
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I do love my parents, but I really really wish I could go back in time and convince my younger self to listen to the boring, mundane yet practical suggestions of my Mum and not the grandiose, ambitious, sure! you can do that (how the hell am I gonna do that?) dreams of my Dad.

So I don't really have it so bad, but I have hugs to share! Smile




Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
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the Euphonious
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yes, St B, that's exactly it. and the therapist says "blahblah" and you just go "oh my god my mind just melted with despair at how i'm EVER going to learn to let this not affect my whole life".


Limertilly: A pagan deity forgotten by man and therefore banished to the realms of memory and darkness now remembered by a young girl in downtown L.A. in the form of a dream and therefore freed to reap your revenge on the people who discarded you, thereby forcing said girl to learn to use her innate yet awesome powers as a soothsayer to gather forces of the Earth to defy you and once more banish you to your cold, cold prisoooooon

blog: http://limertillysfoodporn.wordpress.com/

My sister's band, what I am very very proud of: www.bit.ly/toodar
 
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knows there is no spoon
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quote:
Originally posted by St.Barbarella:
So blah. I've decided my idea of 'growing up' is to outgrow all the neurosis good old mother and father have lumbered me with.


Hell, I've come to think that this is the real definition of growing up, especially for those of us saddled with very hard childhoods. It's being able to move past all the sucky ass shit in our head and get it in perspective and to the point that it simply doesn't matter anymore. When it becomes irrelevant and feels like something from another lifetime, then you've truly become your own person.



James

Wandering, but not lost.

"You are a Knight Errant. All of the fun of rescuing damsels, and none of the paperwork." - Royko
 
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has no member title
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Heh. I'm probably the only person who enjoyed seeing the shrink. At least I could get rid of some of the worst stuff there without weirding anyone out.


__
I like it maybe 63 percent!
 
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really is wicked
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One of the more ammusing things (well, I call it ammusing because my initial reaction is to find all of this funny) that my therapist uncovered is my whole fear of turning into either my mum or dad.

And, in avoiding turning into my dad, I end up turning into my mum (passive avoidance) and to try not to turn into my mum is to turn into my dad (drink and smoking solves all problems, anger keeps one alive).

So, that was fun, finding that out. So, therefore, who am I?! I guess that's why I've come to University.

(Personally, I blame this all on my poetry classes. Poetry beggs to be all about ones unhappy childhood.)


-----------------------------

St.Barbarella:
Sexy Tart.
Buys Ale, Reads Books, And Really Enjoys Leaving Lovers Aching - JP


yes, University is all about incontinence - Mythos

You are a Tradesman. Long before labor unions, your guilds were powerful enough to make a free-market capitalist run away screaming. Who controls the British Crown? Who keeps the metric system down? You do, you do.
 
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knows there is no spoon
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quote:
Originally posted by Babylon the Bride:
Heh. I'm probably the only person who enjoyed seeing the shrink. At least I could get rid of some of the worst stuff there without weirding anyone out.


Not the only one. During my teens years a shrink I saw for years was one of my few true friends, although I probably frustrated the hell out of the guy in my sheer refusal to open up, (which plenty of other people know too, including more than a few on this board), and have even looked at getting back in touch with him lately.



James

Wandering, but not lost.

"You are a Knight Errant. All of the fun of rescuing damsels, and none of the paperwork." - Royko
 
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Assistant *fwap*er
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quote:
Originally posted by St.Barbarella:
One of the more ammusing things (well, I call it ammusing because my initial reaction is to find all of this funny) that my therapist uncovered is my whole fear of turning into either my mum or dad.


I find myself turning into my father and I find it hysterical. I have no idea why.
My parents are good parents, though. They haven't fucked us up too badly.


********************************
The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I'm not so sure about the turnip.
~~ Terry Pratchett
 
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Great wyrm of Toronto
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My childhood psychologist was a very authoritarian one -- though he wasn't too bad. He let me draw pictures and everything which, to this day I'm sure is locked up in a bunch of folders in a cabinet of which not even I'm allowed to see -- though what an emphasis on superheroes beating the shit out of each other would say about my childhood psyche beyond the fact that I was at least in some ways a normal kid is beyond me.

And as for my parents ... mother with bouts of the neurotic, and religious pushy father prone to narrow-mindedness. I know I got the stubbornness from him, but possibly my mom and some of the neurotic behavior from her and ... well, maybe both of them. Hmm.

Things have been better though. And I think once I move out they will be pleasant to visit. Pleasant to visit, but not to live with. *nods*


______________________________
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Click here!
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All I can say is that I can relate very well to a lot of what's being said here. Although mine would be a slightly different story (cue to Tolstoy: "Every happy family is the same, but unhappy families are all different"...).

What I wanted to add is this: I have two little daughters of my own now, and it fills me with pride and a sense of accomplishment every time I realize how *different* I am as a parent than my own mum and dad. Don't get me wrong, they weren't monsters, just... people with problems, and not a tremendous skill set to deal with them. And I'm sure I'll find my very own ways to fuck up as well. But at least I'm not repeating the same mistakes. (And frankly, I think I'm also doing a better job.)

What James said about growing up meaning moving past and being able to think it doesn't matter anymore... I'm not so sure if I fully agree. I think someone can be a very mature person (ok, not necessarily me, but I can imagine such a person Wink) and still feel the sadness or anger or whatever the emotional response is. But it's not healthy and not good if you let it dominate your life, of course.


✄--------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn't here.
 
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has no member title
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quote:
Originally posted by Tismalleen:
I think someone can be a very mature person (ok, not necessarily me, but I can imagine such a person Wink) and still feel the sadness or anger or whatever the emotional response is.


I think you can behave in a mature way, sure. But as long as you're still having *the same* emotional reactions you won't mature much. Stress is on the same.

Obviously, I'm not happy about some of the stuff that happened. But my feelings are quite a lot less dominant than they were ten years ago. Thinking about it doesn't take up much time and when I do, it's more of a context thing.

As long as you still have strong feelings similar to what you had as a kid, they'll probably influence how you act and react to situations that remind you of your childhood. These feelings will include a child's helplessness and all its subsidiary reactions. Helpless rage or sadness is hardly a mature mindset when confronted with things where the adult is not helpless.

I probably expressed this really badly, but anyway, don't take offense. I'm not saying I'm all that mature myself. Big Grin


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Goofy Beast
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I don't feel qualified to say much about my relationship to my parents. I get along with both of them, but I don't think I feel anything more for them than the kind of mild affection you get from shared history. Based on what others have said, and based on my sister's and my own relationship history (and mainly the fact that neither of us had a real relationship until fairly late), I would say that I was left with a fairly profound distrust in family as anything else than a mix of biology and guilt and resentment.


__________
We scraped along like rats, but now we will soar like eagles... eagles on pogo sticks!
 
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Companion to owls
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quote:
Originally posted by St.Barbarella:
She talks at me, not too me, she doesn't listen, and I know I've been on about this before but IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!


That explains you reading my mind sometimes, we had the same mom...

I've been having self-therapy in my head (hey, what can I do, the NHS has a 14-month waiting list for therapy and can't afford a private shrink, one has to make do as one can) and started to realise how much childhood shit I still got inside me.

Like, how my rampant insecurity, fear of failure and longing to be loved and liked comes from my parents' choices in parenting... Not that I blame them, they tried their best and did a good job in many aspects, but I resent them for being not very affectionate and for always being critical with our progress. I know WHY they did it (they wanted us to be strong, independent women, and to strive to better ourselves), but I resent them for not realising that I am far more sensitive than the rest of the family, that I take criticism much more personally, that I need more love. And dammit!!! Because if I come home with 7 A's out of 10 subjects, the thing you should say is "Wow, I'm so proud of you, well done" and not "Yeah, it's good, but you still got 2 Bs and a C. So it's not perfect, and you should be number 1, coz you can". Thanks so much, mom.

*sigh*


 
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quote:
Originally posted by Thirith & His Enormous Tibia:
I don't feel qualified to say much about my relationship to my parents. I get along with both of them, but I don't think I feel anything more for them than the kind of mild affection you get from shared history. Based on what others have said, and based on my sister's and my own relationship history (and mainly the fact that neither of us had a real relationship until fairly late), I would say that I was left with a fairly profound distrust in family as anything else than a mix of biology and guilt and resentment.


But if you always got along with them, where does that come from? Smile


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I like it maybe 63 percent!
 
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Goofy Beast
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Probably because I never had a big "You fucked up big time, Mum and Dad" scene. I simply never expected anything much from them, so I was never disappointed. They were in way over their heads, and I doubt they ever loved each other very much. There's never been much closeness at all in our family, also because both my parents in one way or another moved to another country to escape their families.

But as I said, I don't necessarily feel qualified to make much of an observation. Others have said things about me and my parents that I've found more, I don't know, apt perhaps.


__________
We scraped along like rats, but now we will soar like eagles... eagles on pogo sticks!
 
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Starving artist doctor - well, not starving, but if you happen to have an extra biscuit lying around . . .
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I don't think my parents have messed me up particularly, but this summer has been a crash course in exactly how much my grandparents fucked up my dad and his siblings.

You have to mess up bigtime for your children to not speak to each other for the best part of fifteen years.


------------------------------
You are a Leprechaun. I'm not even sure what you are. Whiskey-soaked reports from your baffling Isle of Ire raise more questions than they answer. Are you a dwarf? Where's your pickax? If you're an elf, why don't you cobble? You'd think with all your gold, you could invest in some land, perhaps a title, and improve your station. Instead, you hide it in meteorologically-determined locations. You're getting killed on inflation, little friend!
 
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is tired of these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane
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awww, my parents are crazy but i like 'em.

granted, i've had the benefit of 4000+ km distance for most of the last four years.

they got their problems, but their mine Smile


High Ranking Official of the Realm of Unproductivity and Procrastination,
Dean of the UUP, First Class member of the order of the Pineapple.
-scruffy ambulating reanimated hypothetical vegetarian leigonairre of the undead. ~ Cav
-Look, I've got a cape and a tendency towards violence. It does not make me a superhero! ~ Domitella
-The key thing to remember about historians is that we are entirely capable of being objective, empirical and batshit crazy. ~ Dr. Marvinmarymac
 
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has no member title
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Heh. Why, what's she like, Furious?


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I like it maybe 63 percent!
 
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