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has been eaten by a grue. Member |
okay, I have a rather serious question, although I see this topic dengenerating rather quickly. in fact, I look forward to it. but before this atrophies...
to what extent is porn okay in a domestic, monogamous relationship? I say it's cool as long as it's not interfering with a couple's sex life. but my thoughts about what interferes and what doesn't are probably unique, and I would like some perspective, if anyone would be willing to offer it. thank you, and may the bedlam commence. ~ We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But...babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. ~ Elite Special Force Procrastinator, trained in High Arts of Extended Coffee Breaks and Master Linguist of the Water Cooler Conversation |
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is in perfect karmic alignment Member  |
Yup.
There's porn, then there's porn and then there's erotica. The boudries between them are not easily defined. I'll be as honest and as complete as i can about my opinions and feelings on the subject, hopefully without rambling on endlessly. Firstly: some porn makes me gag. For that reason i'd be uncomfortable with my lover watching porn of that sort. Simply put: it's graphic, exploitative and frankly gross. Then there's porn. Which is reasonably nicely produced. That i would consider a stimulant (like a toy would be for me) and i say: why not. But i wouldn't watch it with my lover, because it's not my thing. *shrug* Then there's erotica, which -depending on the kind- i might watch too. It usually doesn't interest me, i'll admit, but i have nothing against it. That goes under 'experimenting' i suppose. Sadly most 'porn' falls under the first category. It's ugly it's gross one more extreme than the other. But where *exactly* those boundries are is hard to tell, and probably different per person. What i would or would not mind my lover seeing/watching depends heavily on those boundries. To put it in extremes: I don't mind a playboy: but i *do* mind 'teenage anal cum squirters'. ~You are a *Taverner*. Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~ -Royko |
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will crush you with her mighty shoe Member  |
Anything can be erotic and a sexual relationship stimulant and if you are okay with it (and your partner is too) then it is okay. A big problem to look out for is if one of you seems to depend on it to get into sex. I have no problem with porn (pictures, video, or stories) and sometimes find it as an incredible stimulant to my lagging libido. But I went through a stretch at the beginning of our relationship where every.single.time he wanted to have sex with me he had been looking at pictures on the computer of hot naked women. If sex was initiated by me, I was turned down. It was only after he had been looking at pictures. That is trouble. It makes you feel like an instrument to orgasm. "Wow, that chick is hot. Don't want to get my hand dirty, but hey! There's my girlfriend, I'll use her" or else "shit she wants sex today. better tell her I just need to check my email for a minute and hurry up and look at naked women so i can get it up because the girlfriend is so unattractive".
If it's used a fun stimulant, then is okay. If it's used as a crutch, you can't have sex without it, it can turn into a problem. tis my humble opinion, which is perfectly okay that many others may not share  |
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has no member title Member  |
We've got a centerfold decorating the side of our bathroom cupboard. It's partly hidden behind the door.
It's a gorgeous and very nekkid girl called Miriam, looking seductive and inviting in a shower. We chose it together from the magazine rack at the train station. I'm not sure why, other than that we felt that with "our" bathmats and "our" towels there should be "our" centerfold somewhere in our first appartment. __ The brickchewing, camera flaunting restroom saint formerly known as Babylon the Bride |
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is in perfect karmic alignment Member |
This goes back to what i call "wanking by vagina". By all means masturbate, and use pretty pics to do so. But i like to be appreciated as a person, not a toy. If any man needs to look at other naked women to get aroused, when his woman wants some, he needs his head examined: because he might be reality-challenged. If he has problems with his libido, he can go see a doctor: or you could go together to see what can be done. What he did is disrespectful, hurtful, egotistical and juvenile. I completely agree that that's totally unnacceptable. However, that might not be about porn, but about a guy refusing to admit his libido is slacking and he needs some *serious* stimulation to get it going again. ~You are a *Taverner*. Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~ -Royko |
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always wears a tie - just not around his neck Member  |
I now find porn bleh, it is titalating (I am a guy after all) but for the most part boring, I was introduced to Porn with selections from the golden age, i.e Behind the Green Door, Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas, etc. Porn from 80s onward just doesn't do it for me.
Now erotica, usually the written but some in graphic form i.e. XXXenophile from the Foglios, I love but I don't need to get me in the mood but when I do read them I very much get in the mood!! Masque enjoys erotica also (specifically XXXenophile) but it isn't a medium you enjoy together you just enjoy the after effects  .Head of internal security of the Realm of Unproductivity and Procrastination, Catnip Master in the order of the Pineapple. |
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Member |
Jeeze,
There's no porn here! Just a lot of blah, blah, blah |
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knows the names of all eleven herbs and spices Member |
Take the other left at Google next time.  You know you've gone too far if you see signs for Albuquerque. ~_=_~_=_~_=_~_=_~_=_~ Son of a Monkeyfish...I don't know. |
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knows the names of all eleven herbs and spices Member |
To be on topic:
I don't mind porn so much personally. Some of the fetishist material out there makes me laugh, but that's just who some people are. In my relationships, though, I don't want it around. I'm too jealous to put up with it being prevalent. Admiration of the female figure with a nod here and there, fine, but no jerking off to hot naked chicks while residing with me. I take that as me not being attractive enough, which causes a lot of insecurity problems. I'm far too obsessive to deal with that sort of thing. I can't turn a blind eye to it. Not knowing about it is entirely different, though. That I don't mind. ~_=_~_=_~_=_~_=_~_=_~ Son of a Monkeyfish...I don't know. |
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Member |
If you're actually going out with someone/can get sex, I don't see the point at all.
If I was a woman (I've said that twice today) and I saw my man watching porn when I was around, I'd just sit on his lap in the way of the screen. If he tries to peek round, he's got problems. ______________________________
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has been eaten by a grue. Member |
this is sorta where we're at. I'm not in perfect shape, and I know it, and I'm working on it, and he says he doesn't mind. but I mind. and the comments about how hot that chick is...I can deal to a certain degree, but it's harder when I find the paper towel in the trashcan plus the chair shoved away from the table plus the mysteriously empty browser history (this tactic was originally discovered when I tried to pull up something I'd been looking at the day before; I don't even need to see the browser history any more). I wouldn't mind if he wanted to watch it together. I wouldn't mind if he watched it sometime when we hadn't had time to finish or he didn't feel well enough ("oh, my stomach!" or "oh, my knees!") to finish or something like that. but no. a lot of the time—I would say most of the time—he watches porn instead of, uh...well, doing stuffs with me. and that's sometimes a result of his constant shift changes. he's on second; I'm on third. so he's at home at night while I'm at work, he gets horny, and he doesn't bother to wait around for me. okay, fine, IF I still get laid when I feel like it the next day. but I don't. he's stayed up too late, and he'll want to sleep all morning while I'm home, and, by the time he's good and awake, it's time for him to leave. either that, or he's just not horny any more when I'm around, and so again I don't get laid. which leaves me extremely frustrated. he really really does not see the distinction I'm trying to make and thinks I'm just going to freak out every time he watches porn. but no! I just want him to use a little common sense and also to maybe wait for me rather than taking the easy way out. and I don't know how to get that through to him. that is, if I'm not genuinely being unreasonable. ~ We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But...babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. ~ Elite Special Force Procrastinator, trained in High Arts of Extended Coffee Breaks and Master Linguist of the Water Cooler Conversation |
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is in perfect karmic alignment Member |
Have you considered counseling?
A neutral intermediary might be able to help. This is not a positive or empowering situation for you to be in. This instant gratification thing he does is damaging, because it hurts you. It takes out of your sex life, and it cuts into your self-esteem. Does he know he's hurting you by doing this? ~You are a *Taverner*. Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~ -Royko |
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has no member title Member |
So if I see this right it's not about his watching porn, but about him not getting you laid?
Because maybe you could explain it to him that way? That you really need to get laid at least X times a week, and that as long as you're happy with that you everything else is fine? Sorry, I'm sounding really crude here. __ The brickchewing, camera flaunting restroom saint formerly known as Babylon the Bride |
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Don't. Blink. Member  |
I just wanted to clarify that this is actually to do with porn or not. I mean it seems that you think that he is not "waiting" for you to get home or not "waiting" for the next morning. But I mean - I personally - find that certain times of day are "better" for me. So is it really about him getting off to porn INSTEAD of you or is it really a scheduling issue?
I should clarify - I have no problem with porn. I figure - sometimes my sex life with a partner will be on and sometimes it will be off. As long as no one feels that they personally have a problem with the use or amount of porn they are consuming - who am I to judge? I figure most guys are going to do it. Some girls too. I personally consume very little but like some now and again - certainly when it comes to erotica. I never NEVER think that someone is comparing those in their porn to me. That's silly. Do you compare the handsome actors who titillate you in films to your husband? No. You love him and find him sexy for reasons relating solely to him. I don't have to measure up to those women. I figure if someone is sleeping with me - then they want to be with me. Porn doesn't bother me. I have never been with someone who needed it hours every day - but I would say that normally that sort of person would have trouble being in a relationship anyway. ------------------------------ "I claim the capacity to doubt." - Herman Wouk ------------------------------- "They warn you about killers and thieves in night I worry about cancer and living right But my mama never warned me about my own Destructive appetite" - Jenny Lewis "Happy" |
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Companion to owls Member  |
My very superficial and uninformed take on what you describe, Apathy, is that the problem is not the porn or even the sex, but that your relationship is under strain and you've both fell into predictable patterns -he wanks off on his own, you expect for him to wait for you... It sounds from your description you're both in a routine and the lack of sex is just a symptom. I would say, it's not that you don't get laid cause he's been watching the porn, it's that he's watching the porn cause you guys are not getting sex together. And you're angry cause you're not getting any, not of what he's watching. (Again, what I read from this.)
It's just so easy to take someone for granted when you're living together and tired -you fall into the routine knowing, in the back of your head, that the other person will put up with a bit of boredom cause they love you, so you don't make an effort cause you can't be arsed. It's not out of pure evil, it's just selfishness and tiredness and apathy (not you  ). I know because I've done it, and the Chef Boy's done it, and it's one of those horrible things that happen in relationships that I swore would never happen to me yet here we are.You need to talk to him, calmly, not after you 'discover' something, but one day when you're both relaxed. And make sure he knows it's not the porn that worries you, but the fact that you're not getting sex anymore. And, I don't know, set up a night in the week where you'll both be together and make an effort to have sex -if you need 'help' like watching porn together or handcuffs or massage oil or whatever, it's not a big thing. If you're in a routine then you need something to get you out of it, needing 'help' doesn't mean anyone is any less attractive. ETA: My personal thoughts on porn are, whatever rocks your boat. Unless, obviously, it's illegal porn, brutal or plain weird (thinking about animals here, or triple anal penetration and the like), I got no problem. I personally feel aroused by most of the porn I've seen, so I know one thing doesn't have to do with the other. I can be aroused by a less than attractive man pounding a plastic blonde, and by my partner of choice. They're probably even different reactions. This message has been edited. Last edited by: cloverheart,  |
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is in perfect karmic alignment Member |
Hm. I'm not sure if i've been quite clear about my thoughts... That'll learn me to post while sick.
The issue here as far as i'm concerned isn't porn, or jacking off or whatever. This is a case of "This is me, you wife. And you're hurting me." regardless of whether he means to, or even whether he completely understands it. Even -in part- regardless of whether you should or should not mind the porn itself. You're a lovely woman, and it probably *isn't* you at all. Just impatience: or instant gratification. But that shouldn't matter. If this is -for whatever reason- hurtful to you, you can and you should probably tell him so. ~You are a *Taverner*. Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~ -Royko |
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Don't. Blink. Member |
Yes - exactly. ------------------------------ "I claim the capacity to doubt." - Herman Wouk ------------------------------- "They warn you about killers and thieves in night I worry about cancer and living right But my mama never warned me about my own Destructive appetite" - Jenny Lewis "Happy" |
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Great wyrm of Toronto Member  |
I think I'm just going to be repeating a lot of what other people have already said about this.
I think that porn is ok in a relationship so long as it does not replace the other physical people involved. If it does get to that point, there should probably be some serious talking involved. As for me, I would not mind viewing porn if in a relationship, or if my partner did as well. It would be awesome if we both looked at porn and read erotica together, but I would not abide by being replaced or, "jilled around" as the case may be. But as something of a mutual activity and/or mutually accepted individually from time to time and not anything really illegal, no I do not see the problem with that. ______________________________ Do not leave me with a bowl of anything for an extended period of time. |
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Resting by the shade of the tumtum tree, yahr! Member  |
I'm just gonna agree with a lot of the stuff being said here. Porn is fine, as long as it doesn't interfere with a relationship. It can be something to watch to sort of get into the mood, but it shouldn't be used to replace actual physical contact.
Personally I prefer reading erotica to watching porn... and reading it with your partner can be fun. I mean, if I liked watching porn then I'm sure that would also be rather fun to watch with a partner... ~Nyssa: Shapeshifter extraordinaire~ ~~~-------~~~ Cthulhu for president~Why vote for the lesser evil? -------~~----- "Of course I'm paranoid, everyone's trying to kill me!" - Weyoun ~~~------~~~ You are an Illuminator. You add color and beauty to anything you can get your hands on: books, tavern signs, clocks, small barnyard animals. While your work goes largely unappreciated, at least it pays the bills. Why, that enormous golden M you painted for the new Scottish restaurant down the street netted you a farthing! |
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has been eaten by a grue. Member |
just to clarify—I really don't have a problem with porn itself. I wouldn't mind watching it with him (although that's never been necessary), and I don't, in principle, mind him watching it alone.
Punkyfins: that's exactly the problem. a really spectacular combination of impatience, poor impulse control, and insane work scheduling. I haven't considered counselling (well, not seriously, anyway) because a) we're usually good at hacking stuff out on our own. it just takes a little time. b) we can't afford to pay a therapist, anyway, and c) our pastor (who is qualified to do marital counselling) is my dad. and that's just a no. yick. but the root of the problem is starting to seep into his brain, and he does know he's hurting me. we're making progress. I just needed to rant and make sure that I wasn't being completely unreasonable to start with. and also get my thoughts together so I say what I needed to say to him without being emotional and crazy and utterly confusing to the poor boy (and I succeeded, I think, in not being crazy and utterly confusing. I may never succeed in not being emotional). Babs, this was a crude question to begin with, so blame me. I have tried to explain it to him that way; it's just taking a while to get through to him. like I said, he's got wretched impulse control.
it is definitely a scheduling issue thanks to his rotating shifts sometimes (which ties into routine, Clover). that does have a lot to do with it, and it's something that would have to be dealt with with or without the question of porn/sex. that said, I really don't think it's fair that I revolutionize my sleep schedule every month for him and he often doesn't really try to do that for me (his response is very typically male: I don't ask you to change your sleep patterns ), especially when his lack of effort in that area affects other aspects of our lives.
yes, actually, I do.  because usually the things I find attractive in other mens are remarkably similar to the things I find attractive in him. so, if I'm going on about Joe Flanigan's pretty green eyes...well, he's also hearing that his are gorgeous green eyes, and that I like his better because they're his. now, I don't really expect a guy to articulate all of that. but toss a bone my way, pleases (pun so intended; please forgive me): that's all I'm saying.This message has been edited. Last edited by: Apathy, ~ We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But...babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. ~ Elite Special Force Procrastinator, trained in High Arts of Extended Coffee Breaks and Master Linguist of the Water Cooler Conversation |
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