I would like to make a request for your insight in to something that has me wondering...

I have met a really sweet, tender, lovable man over the internets. He is in a different continent and it is highly improbable that we will ever meet in the flesh. He is wonderful and I have fallen for him big time. My question is
Would any of you pursue such a relationship? Could this be made to work somehow? In case you are wondering, I think I am taking advantage of him because I am getting too much out of this (happiness, excitement etc) and I am afraid he is not getting enough. So what do you think?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Gothic Wardrobe,

I have no personal insight or experience, just wanted to say that it makes me happy to hear you're happy and in love right now, GW.

Why is it improbable for you two to ever meet? Or that either (or both) of you could eventually even move?

The mother of one of my best friends met a guy living in Australia online (a few years after she'd gone through a nasty divorce). After just two weeks of online dating, they got engaged (cue to panicky reactions among her offspring). After three months, she flew down under and they got married almost straight from the airport. I admit we were all getting ready to file a missing persons report when she left, but three years later, they're still happily (and much more uneventfully) married. It does happen.

But... yay! Gothic furniture love. It's a beautiful thing.

Here's something from an interview with William Gibson about intimacy and internet relationships.

quote:

I wonder if Gibson, an inveterate blogger, thinks it possible to have human relationships in cyberspace that are as close as in the real world?

'If they are text-based, I would say yes. I have some friendships conducted almost entirely through email that are very intimate. I think we are getting to the point that a strange kind of relationship would be one where there was no virtual element. We are at that tipping point: how can you be friends with someone who is not online? In a couple of years, we will be no more disturbed by our relationship with virtual worlds than we are by our relationship with broadcast television.'

I also believe that you can have intimate relationships which are mainly internet based, but you shouldn't prevent such a relationship from letting you also form a physically intimate relationship with someone located better geographically.

Otherwise I would definitely recommend meeting this person in the flesh as soon as possible. I moved to Denmark to be with my husband and we've been married for nearly 17 years now.

I would also say it depends a bit on your and his sexuality.

If either of you are "monos" (i.e. preferring monogamous relationships) than the best thing you can do is meet each other as soon as posible. If you are both "polys" (i.e. polyamorous) than you can both enjoy the intimacy of the relationship without worrying that it'll prevent you or him from having other satisfying intimate relationships. If you're a mixed batch you can be creating turmoil for each other.

My mum married an American she met online, who now lives in Scotland. I met my first love online, too (that was before my mum went on her cyber-adventure - I think I would've been too creeped out at the thought of copying my mother to try it out after that ).

I don't think long-distance devalidates a relationship in any way. I know that it can be just as close, if not closer, as one with someone who you see every day in "real life".

My main advice would be that you have to be VERY clear with each other, as FashPo said, about what each of you are looking for in this relationship. Trust is imperative, and keeping an exclusive relationship can be very difficult. However, one of the advantages of online relationships is that they make endless discussion of absolutely everything a lot easier. So talk it out.

Also, if it does all work out and you decide to be together (hooray!), moving to another country can be incredibly difficult, even if the love will, with luck, keep yawl going. It ain't something to be taken lightly.

Enjoy.

quote:

Originally posted by aisha:

if it does all work out and you decide to be together (hooray!), moving to another country can be incredibly difficult, even if the love will, with luck, keep yawl going. It ain't something to be taken lightly.

There's a couple over at the Gibson Board going through exactly that. Belgican guy and American grrl, who meat-met at a Gibson signing in England while she was visiting from Korea(!). They are now a two-headed entity living in the Eurpoe, and judging from their posts, the formalities continue to be onerous.

I think he has to hide her under a malt sack in the coal cellar whenever the census-takers come by.

Basically you have to get *married* if you want to live together and both parties come from different nations.

and even then immigration can still suck for some.

I was lucky and my immigration path went smoothly. The key is to make sure that all of your paper work is in order and not try to make your own exceptions to the rules. My brother entered the UK on a student work visa so he could live with his girlfriend and work at the same time. They ended up having to get married at the town hall months before their "real" wedding and going through interviews similar to those in the movie Green Card.

Marriage is an institution.

hey, GW, TwiliteMinotaur and i are a WGB-based long distance couple. i'm in BC (Canada) and he's in Hawaii. we've been friends through the Board and email for two years, and he came up to Vancouver in March, so we got to meat-meet.
we've been "official" since May, and i am the happiest i've ever been.
like FashPo said, you do have to ask the awkward questions, figure out exactly what you both are going for in a relationship.
once the lines are clear, just go for it.
good luck, i wish you all the best.

i'd say if you both are interested and at least one of you is intersted in moving home it'd be okay. i would meat in person of course first and just realize its going to take a while to get you in the same place permanently.

oh yeah, definately second SP's points.
especially "realize its going to take a while to get you in the same place permanently."
and it helps to interact every day...
Twi and i Skype every night, i think we've missed 3 nights in 5 months

in person interaction is key, to my mind. you don't know WHAT is true from what he tells you, and it's so important to get that real-time-real-space meating. for me, anyway. i've been burnt with this sort of situation in the past. and if you could manage to make arrangements to meet, then you'll know if it's all just rubbish by if he ducks out at the last minute (which is what happened to me.)

quote:

Originally posted by Mean Old Man:
Marriage is an institution.

Cues up "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXK0Hjfkrgw

I don't recommend internet as a long-term substitute for actually being with the person. There are things that happen in personal interaction that, with respect to Mr. Gibson, simply can't be duplicated by virtual contact. I'm not just talking about sex, either, but all the little cues and delights that you pick up about the person you love.

I mean, with Christy, I love the way she flounces just ever so slightly when she's right and I'm wrong about a matter of trivia. Then there's the brilliant (and slightly evil) look in her eye when she's planning something mischevious. And the way her body language gradually moves from her hips to her shoulder until it's as far from her body as it can get when she's excited.

oh, and webcams are the world's greatest invention. not as good as being physically beside the person, but you can see them, watch their expressions, pick up their body language.
and have a plan for when you're gonna see them. builds excitment. countdowns = fun.
make sure you both know how much time you expect to share with each other per day.
for instance i'm the type who needs that daily phone call. emails and IMs are great, but i need the vocal, if i can't have the physical.

Thank you for your answers.
My relationship is too new (approx.a month) to even think about marriage. Nevertheless I am madly in love and your comments have calmed my anxiety a bit. And given me plenty of food for thought.

Dweller, Christy is lucky to have you with her. You were lucky to find each other in "real" life, but I am slowly learning that happiness can be found in unlikely places like the internets for instance.

Like, when he notices that it is past midnight my time (he has changed the time on his ibook to my timezone) and says "It is late you should go to bed, you need your rest"

No one has cared what time I go to bed in a long while... Did I say I am in love?

quote:

Like, when he notices that it is past midnight my time (he has changed the time on his ibook to my timezone) and says "It is late you should go to bed, you need your rest"

ooh i know someone who does that too... *swoon* its so sweet...

We have had several relationships that began on this board that stretched across continents, and at least one has concluded with marriage. Even if you're not aiming for that, though, there's nothing to say that a long-distance, primarily internet, relationship can't work. I do think that you have to have personal interaction at some point, but speaking as someone who has begun several relationships over the 'net (and is now ridculously happily married to a man she met here on the Board), there's not a reason in the world why you shouldn't pursue this guy.

quote:

there's not a reason in the world why you shouldn't pursue this guy.

QFT!
and don't feel bad about being happy, or think that he's not getting as much from you as you get from him. i'd assume that he is!

quote:

Originally posted by Fash!onpol!ce:
I would also say it depends a bit on your and his sexuality.

If either of you are "monos" (i.e. preferring monogamous relationships) than the best thing you can do is meet each other as soon as posible. If you are both "polys" (i.e. polyamorous) than you can both enjoy the intimacy of the relationship without worrying that it'll prevent you or him from having other satisfying intimate relationships. If you're a mixed batch you can be creating turmoil for each other.

Another Quote For Truth.

Don't hesitate about the relationship because it's starting online. We've had two Scotland-USA marriages on this board (Elizabethann and Merlin/Whitney and Paulie - I think Merlin is the only active poster now) and other relationships that crossed international boundaries and time zones. Some have worked out, some haven't, but I think everyone involved is glad they happened.

I met my husband here, while I was living in another state, and though it was a long, expensive process, we ended up in the same place and are married now. Anyway, take what you can out of the experience, trust that your guy is getting what he needs, too (and would let you know if he wasn't), and see where it takes you. And don't write off meeting each other physically just yet - it might be hard, but you can make it happen.