guys, you can do better. I've edited worse stuff than that.
I expect more out of you. don't let me down!

Ew, Dweller! Ew ew ew!

Go, Dweller, go!

(Where you are all going wrong is in making it interesting and well as ghastly! Remember, chaps and chapesses, utter banality is what we are aiming for.)

"Yes," came the voice from behind her. "Miss Devereaux, why did we wait so long?" One of the hands attached to the part of the lover that had done the speaking wrapped around Blanche's waist while the other crept up over her supple breast and gentle squeezed.

"Oh, Dorothy, I don't know. I . . . I don't know."

Where was Rose while all this was happening...?

You don't want to know where Rose was.

It probably involved some unpronouncable names.

"Playing patty cake with Saskia Huggendottir and Gary Sassenfrassensen."

Joe the plumber stomped his boots on the bristle mat in the mudroom; caked mud slid off of the cuffs of his jeans onto the drab carpet. He hung his brown canvas jacket on the lone remaining peg and sat on the low bench to untie the laces; his hairy coinslot beckoned, but the assorted hats and jackets behind him expressed disinterest. He put his shoes under his jacket, stood up and walked through the swinging door into the kitchen.

"Hi Honey -- how was your day?" Janice called from far side of the room; she was in the midst of opening a fresh package of frozen spinach for the spinach-mushroom hot dish. This was Wednesday, and the fare alternated between baked mac 'n cheese and this dish on Wednesdays. Forzen spinach was the closest Joe ever got to eating a 'balanced' meal; the only other vegetables he ate were the pickles and limp lettuce on his 99c Wendy's cheeseburger at lunchtime.

"Those damn reporters wouldn't leave me alone all freakin' day!" he groused. He thudded over to the 'fridge, grabbed a Bud tall boy off of the door and headed over to his chair. "Where're the kids, anyway?"

"Sally's spending the night at Jennifer's tonight, and Billy's at your mom's -- there's no school tomorrow, remember - 'Professional Day' for teachers."

"Jesus on a stick," he spluttered; "those kids don't have a full week of school under their belts 'til November! 'Professional Day' my ass."

"Now now, honey, don't be like that. Besides, don't you realize what I said -- the kids are gone ..."

Joe took another pull on his beer and looked over at her, framed as she was with the last rays of the setting sun framing her silouette -- the way it hit her blouse, it almost looked like she wasn't wearing a bra ...

Janice noticed his expression and bounced on the balls of her feet a couple of times to provide more data for his evaluation. "You haven't put away all your tools, have you dear? I think you should take a look at my plumbing before you call it quits for the day."

Joe smiled at that; it was an old line, but he still liked it.

"I might be able to help you with that, if you can do a little something for me first."

"Way ahead of you dear," she said, saucily, as she brought over a cheese board with a big slab of sharp cheddar cheese, a packet of saltines and a knife.

On the top of the cheese sat a little blue pill.

Isn't Joe the Plumber a divorcee? That'd give your story a little too much pathos to be truly crappy.

How I love you all so much for the fact that you are trying and failing to write badly enough. Plot and characterisation keep on creeping through!

quote:

Originally posted by Dweller in Darrkness:
Isn't Joe the Plumber a divorcee? That'd give your story a little too much pathos to be truly crappy.

Oh, come on; I'm supposed to write bad erotica and pay more than scant attention to the news? That isn't fair!

Besides, did I say that Janice was his wife?

So, something more like this, Hive?

Captain, er.... Hammer!

Captain Nail-Gun! WHOO! that was awesome. *happy sigh*

also, fyi, "Melanie" seems to be the name of choice. I cannot tell you how many frelling Melanies I accidentally read about this week.

I read the back cover of a hard core porn collection. And my eyes snagged at the following sentence:



*this is REALLY NSFW*



"Lady Anabell inserted the woven handle of her riding whip into Gerald's impatient bumhole".

What kind of word is "bumhole"?? That's just the least erotic word for that body area I can imagine!
And it's impatient!!

quote:

Originally posted by Dweller in Darrkness:
Blanche stood nervous in the middle of her bedroom, for the first time in so many years and in so many encounters completely perplexed and uncertain. Would this new paramour be able to fulfill her desires as she hoped? Blanche hoped so from the tips of her French manicured toes all they way up her supple calves and generous hips, past the curve of her bosom and into the burning, yearning deep within her chest that fairly made her plain but sensible brown hair ignite with furious passion.

She trembled as her new lover moved through the bathroom that adjoined her suite, preparing for their rendezvous. The bedroom was dark, lit only by the light that passed dimly under the crack of the bathroom door and soon that was gone. Blanche couldn't help herself - she started as the room was plunged into darkness.

The bathroom door opened and her lover crept in, silent as a prowling panther.

"Is that you?" she asked, hoping her voice didn't reveal the depth of her need to be touched, to be loved, to be held and filled and utterly satisfied.

"Yes," came the voice from behind her. "Miss Devereaux, why did we wait so long?" One of the hands attached to the part of the lover that had done the speaking wrapped around Blanche's waist while the other crept up over her supple breast and gentle squeezed.

"Oh, Dorothy, I don't know. I . . . I don't know."

Betty, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say

AAAAAUUUUUUGH!!! WHY? WHY? WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY??
*wimper*

quote:

Originally posted by His Noodle Girl:
I read the back cover of a hard core porn collection. And my eyes snagged at the following sentence:



*this is REALLY NSFW*



[quote]"Lady Anabell inserted the woven handle of her riding whip into Gerald's impatient bumhole sphincter brown eye mud star poop shoot exit ramp ".

...really, I'd say "bumhole" is as close as it gets to erotic when it comes to that particular bit of anatomy.

There's nothing wrong with "arse" or "ass". I mean, it's supposed to be hard core, not Beavis & Butthead.

Next thing you know they'll be coyly talking about "poop!"

I'd like to see porn where everything was replaced with 'you-know-where/what' and similar!

that which must not be named!

Complete with names like He Who Must Yet Be Laid and She With A Thousand Dangly Things.

ETA: Sorry, She With a Thousand You Know What's and Wheres and Wherefores.