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half the man he used to be
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posted
sorry to vent here, but i really need to get this off my chest and everyone here always seems really good at advice...so here goes:

i live in a house with three roommates. we put on punk shows and have bands practice in our living room. we all probably party a bit more than we should, but up 'til now things have more or less been on an even keel. i have lived at the house the longest, am the oldest; i'm the one who interacts with the landlord, utilities are in my name etc.


now i find out that two of my housemates are doing heroin together. at this point bills have not been affected, everyone is still going to work and paying on time. but to me, that's not the point. i don't wanna live with drugs. pot is fine, drinking is fine, but when it comes to hard drugs that part of my life is forever behind me. i don't want reminders and i just straight up don't want it in my house period.

this is a rule that has been told to everyone that has ever moved in; that this is a dope-free house. the focus is on music, art, creativity, and community, not on being wasted. when i found out that shit was going on i sat everyone down and gave a final warning.

it's happened again. i've been lied to about it. i know the patterns of addiction and realize the only thing i can do is end the situation as it stands....but heres the deal: i care a lot about both of these individuals. we are friends, almost family. one of them is a member of one of my bands. i can't see a way out of this situation without negatively affecting all of that.

i could move out, sure. i could give up everything i've worked for and the recognition the house has earned in the local scene for putting on great shows. i could leave my practice space and my comfy room and uproot myself and my cat.

OR

i can kick two of my friends out on the street. most likely be seen as a cold-hearted bastard by a lot of my friends. quite possibly fuck up my band.

on top of all that my friend's mother was raped a couple weeks ago by her asshole husband and has been staying at my house off and on since then, and i CANNOT convince her to call a hot-line, press charges, or in any other way seek help. i feel completely impotent and powerless in the face of this, at an absolute loss.

i guess i dunno why i'm even writing all of this down to you all. maybe because i just really need to get it out, and maybe because even tho i've only been here a short time i can tell that a lot of you are really amazing and compassionate people. i would really appreciate your advice on what the hell i should do here...
 
Posts: 411 | Registered: May 11, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
*Special Achievement Award Winner 2010* shines on like the stars
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Well, I don't have any wonderful advice, other than you need to be true to youself.

Sending you *hugs*.


+++
Life is too short to read a bad book.
 
Posts: 2485 | Location: Page 42 | Registered: December 27, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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can you afford a night or two away, sometimes being away from the situation will help you see clearer the way forward.

my own thoughts.

the house...can you give the two flatmates notice to leave, don't kick them out without warning, give them say, 6 weeks, to find a new place? if they've come into house rules and broke them it should certainly be they who leave and not you.

the friend...stand by her whatever she decides to do, she may have decided that going to court would be more painful than letting it lie ... but do remind her that after doing this to her he *could* do it to someone else if not stopped, but only remind her that once, don't nag.

my main advice still stands, a couple of days away will do you the world of good Smile


~
I prefer to live in a country that's small, and old, and where no one would ever have the NERVE to wear a cape in public, whether they could leap tall buildings in a single bound or not.

the parrot... ...gets tiresome.
the parrot... ...i ate him.


CHIKKINZ?
 
Posts: 20595 | Location: England | Registered: June 21, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is in perfect karmic alignment
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Give 'em two months to leave.
If you give them the option to quit doing the heroin, you'll be lied to. You've sat everyone down about it. They have to find another place now.
They're endaggering themselves, you, the house and everyone in it and what you've all built up by engaging in illegal (and potentially dangerous) behaviour. You know what people on heroin are like (especially when the addiction kicks in). They have to leave. If* they sort themselves they're welcome to come back.
I know full well this sounds heartless, but this situation can only lead to tears. People on heroin are (or very quickly become) selfish and you know they'll do whatever it takes to be able to keep doing the heroin.

Where the rape is concerned, there's nothing you can do but support any decision the survivor makes: and empower them. The decision to seek help or file a complaint is a personal one, one only the survivor can make, i'm afraid. Apart from your support there's nothing you can do.

*And that's a pretty giant f** "if", you know?

P.S. And i want to add that i feel it's not just the dope. They know the rules, they broke them, they lied. That's not trustworthy behaviour and if you can't trust them: you can't have 'em in the house.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Punkyfins,


-------------------
Blog: Room with a view.

~You are a *Taverner*.
Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~
-Royko

 
Posts: 8667 | Location: Just north of Earth | Registered: July 02, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I wholeheartedly agree with Pfins. And you are not being a "cold-hearted bastard", you are sticking to the rules you yourself set down and they agreed to. You caught them once and gave them a warning, and they did it again anyway knowing full well how you feel about it. Enough is enough.

As for the friend's mother: you've already done everything you can. Moral support and a safe place mean a lot, the rest is up to her.


Also: *HUGS*
You are a genuinely good and selfless person, and we're here for you.
 
Posts: 8222 | Location: Bärlin | Registered: October 28, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
was not written by a man named "Cougar"
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First off, *massive hugs* for all of this. I'm sure your stress level is through the roof.

The best advice has already been given as far as your friend's mother. It wouldn't hurt to maybe do a little research on things like statute of limitations in case she changes her mind in the future and decides to press charges, but the best thing you can do for her now is to accept her course of action and support her in it.

As for your friends, I would get the landlord involved. Have him issue an official complaint and warning that clearly states they'll be evicted if the activity continues. An Official warning (and possibly, but hopefully not Eviction notice) will have much more sway in changing their behavior or getting them to leave then just a sit-down with you.

Here is a good overview of the process.

*more hugs*

Keep us updated, ok?


----------------
Duck...duck...duck...duck...BOOBS!

 
Posts: 4109 | Location: Tacoma! (Because really, who wants to live in Seattle?) | Registered: October 11, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
needs a blanket very badly. The better to "yahr" you.
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Hi, I don't think we've spoken before, but I still feel compelled to share some *hugs*.

As for your problems, I agree with 'fins and smalltown re: your flatmates - notify them that they need to leave the premises allowing them enough time to find a new place, two months sounds more than enough. You have no reason to feel like a bad guy, they are responsible for their course of action, and as it has been stated before they aren't just doing somethng freakin' dangerous, they are going against previously set house rules.

Concerning your friend's mother, that is a really tough situation and unfortunately there isn't much more you can do. Support her, be there for her, in a way she has sought help the moment she stopped sharing the house with her husband. Let her know there's a safe place where she can stay and good people who care about her, but don't push her to do anything she doesn't feel ready to do.

*hugs again*


"If you are going to get anywhere in life you have to read a lot of books." Roald Dahl
"I still love the book-ness of books, the smell of books: I am a book fetishist - books to me are the coolest and sexiest and most wonderful things there are." Neil Gaiman
"Even so, there is no excuse for putting pineapple on pizza." Terry Pratchett

Have you fed your adorable, lovable and huggable lost girl lately?
"Continued exposure to the Lost Girl's avatar causes people to forget how to count and to repeat things." Joe_3Heads

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Posts: 9940 | Location: under a big red blanket, somewhere in milano, italy, europe, earth | Registered: September 12, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Melittosphex sapiens
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Kalypses, first of all - good for you for supporting your friend's mother. Whatever she does has to be her decision, but having somewhere safer to stay is not to be sneezed at.

On the flatmate front - you aren't a bad guy for not wanting to live with them. They've broken the agreement, not you. You can't change them, and you can't risk them changing you. Even if they are mates, I agree with the others that giving them notice to quit is the best way to go.

Good luck.


***********************
"bring on the be-tentacled oppressors" - fluffyllama
 
Posts: 15843 | Registered: April 12, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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No hugs!

There are only so many scenarios of how this can play out.

You know what you need to do.

Either way your a Dick in the eyes of the addicted and those that are sympathetic toward them.

We will all tell you what we think you need. You already know what you need. Put on your big boy pants and make your choices.

Best of luck!
 
Posts: 3 | Location: Pacific NW | Registered: August 30, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
half the man he used to be
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wow...you guys are amazing...thank you so much for all of your words, when i first read all of your messages i felt really well supported, and to be frank, a bit emotional

sorry i've taken so long to post an update, i have read and re-read all of your responses when i've had random moments of internet but work has been busy and life has been very chaotic (plus i started reading the Song of Ice and Fire series which has pretty much absorbed what time and brain power remains).....i've also not been home very much...

anyhoo...things are slowly getting better...one of the two people involved will be out by the end of the month...the trouble started when they moved in, and it will be a relief when next month rolls around....with the other person things are trickier...we have a lot of shared responsibilities and history, and a genuine friendship which makes me care about his well being....so basically, a bunch of us have talked to him, and we're staging an intervention of sorts to try to get through to him...i feel like i need to give this one last chance no matter how undeserved or i'll always in the back of my mind feel like a cold hearted person who turned his back on a friend when they really needed a friend...and if it doesn't work, i wash my hands...i do feel, however, that not having two people with the same problem living in the house will it easier for him to be in recovery

obviously there will have to be new rules going forward, i'm thinking trash checks and an open door policy are going to be the two most obvious, but does anyone have any others?

am i fool for even considering this?

*hugs all of you tight*
 
Posts: 411 | Registered: May 11, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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No, you're not a fool. You're doing the best you feel you can for yourself AND those you care about and that's all anyone can ask.

As far as rules go, I don't have any suggestions at the moment. I will think about it.

*hugs*


***********************************
Vice-Chancellor of the Heartless Bitch Council

Damn peer pressure
 
Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
half the man he used to be
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oh and:

if i throw out my friend, he has literally no-where to go...he would be homeless, and living in his car or on the street, and be all fucked up...

and as far as the other situation, i followed your advice, and supported her in her decisions and didn't pressure her...i made information available and left it at that....she has since found a safer place to stay where things are i believe slowly getting better

again, thank you so much, all of you, for your advice, your compassion, your fucking HUMANITY, and all of it
 
Posts: 411 | Registered: May 11, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is in perfect karmic alignment
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Okay, do the intervention. Make sure you are very clear (even if only to yourself) about where the line is. And stick to it. Decide what you'll do if that line is crossed and stick to that too. Decide how much of that you need to communicate and be brutally honest with yourself. Be strict and be consistent.
I'm worried that if your friend senses that you'll never throw them out: they'll try and stretch the boundries. I might be wrong, ofcourse. But do not take any bullshit, k? Be realistic, it's absolutely possible there's little you can do to save your friend. Be sure you know how far you're willing to go. You have a responsibility to your friend: i agree. But that's by no means the *only* responsibility you have.

As for the rape survivor: i think you did very well. Honestly: go you. You're shouldering a lot.

Be sure you take good care of yourself also, please. Don't let all of this drain you dry. Other people need you too and you need your strength. G'luck hon.


-------------------
Blog: Room with a view.

~You are a *Taverner*.
Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~
-Royko

 
Posts: 8667 | Location: Just north of Earth | Registered: July 02, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Dane Cook's Final Horcrux
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I think that sounds like the best course - especially with one of the people concerned being gone.

I'm not sure how much the rules will help - if I wanted to hide something, I'd take it out of the house and put it in a public bin, or horde it in my room. You can't very well start bag or room searches without completely destroying the person's privacy and making it a bit prison-like.

If the open-door policy means literally leaving the door wide open, I think that would be hard to enforce - what about sleeping, masturbating, the bathroom, just needing some alone time? It's good in principle, I'm just not sure how practical it is.



____________________________________________________
I'm thinking that a lot of my internal conflict and malaise comes from the tension between the life I ACTUALLY want to live, and the stories I'd love to be able to tell? - T-Rex, qwantz.com
 
Posts: 20848 | Registered: November 11, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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***hugs***

As someone who somehow always ends up wanting to help others even when it hurts me too, I understand your choice. Ideally, you should be prepared for your efforts not working and pulling out when that is obvious so you don't get somehow dragged down. Since that's happened to me a few times and I've not pulled back, I just want to say if that happened to you -don't blame yourself or be ashamed.

As someone else recommended -you take care of yourself too. Make sure you have someone to talk to about the whole thing so you can stay sane and have an outside perspective.

Good luck! You're a good friend.


 
Posts: 11802 | Location: home? | Registered: June 19, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
half the man he used to be
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hello, its been a VERY long time since my last post here! internet access has been shut off at the house for a while, and internet use at work has been cracked down on...technically, i shouldn't even be here, but i just wanted to stop by really quick and say HAPPY HALLOWEEN! to everyone, and post a quick update:

in a nutshell, all is well, and getting better all the time. thank you all again for vibes and advice in the hard dark times, it was very needed! to summarize events, two people were kicked out of the house for drugs and lies and all of that, and the roommate who i am close with and play music with responded to our intervention and has since been clean for over a month. we are all watching him still and keeping an eye on him but he is doing really well, has a new job, and is taking care of things. i am really happy and surprised at this happy ending, but am also enough of a realist to not cloud my judgment prematurely, but so far, so good. the people who are gone have stayed gone, our one-time friendships in absolute tatters. i chased the dealer from my property in a very loud and public scene in the street in which i informed the neighborhood at large of his occupation while kicking in the side of his car, and he has not returned. not my usual style, but some people seem to only understand the language of confrontation! in place of all of the people who left in the ugliness we have a new roommate who is an amazing and conscious person, he is a genuine and positive addition to the house, very helpful, very funny, and a talented and passionate musician. the house feels like a home, like a family again. we've all started eating meals together at table over the weekends again, which i have missed sorely!

so there's the basic news as it stands, sorry to be away so long, with all of the chaos i have been under financial straits, basically covering a lot of other people's share of bills and pretty much operating on bare essentials....but its slowly going back to normal, and i'll have internet access again, and other things that are nice....

anyhoo, happy halloween everybody Big Grin
 
Posts: 411 | Registered: May 11, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I'm very happy to hear that kalypses and look forward to seeing you around again soon Smile


~
I prefer to live in a country that's small, and old, and where no one would ever have the NERVE to wear a cape in public, whether they could leap tall buildings in a single bound or not.

the parrot... ...gets tiresome.
the parrot... ...i ate him.


CHIKKINZ?
 
Posts: 20595 | Location: England | Registered: June 21, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
is in perfect karmic alignment
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That is awesome news! Thanks for the update and stay strong hon.


-------------------
Blog: Room with a view.

~You are a *Taverner*.
Sometimes patrons want to go where everybody knows their names, though it helps when half of them are named John. When people want to celebrate, or commiserate, they gather to your establishment. You provide the atmosphere, the warmth, rum, and even an ear to bend. Did I mention the rum? Years before the language will be mangled with terms like facilitator and networking and interpersonal communication, you've overseen it all, and broken up a few bar fights, to boot.~
-Royko

 
Posts: 8667 | Location: Just north of Earth | Registered: July 02, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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