I want to know because...well, I've had twelve years of monogamy, so I don't have a lot of comparison, myself. And there's such a lot of theoretical bla bla out there that sounds like they don't know what they're talking about...and I guess I just want to know what experiences people really have.

What made the good sex you had different from "meh" sex?
Was it technique? Or true love? Or practice? Or matching rhythms or something?

A combination of actual feelings for the person, what particular actions/positions take place, how one feels at that particular time, how aroused one is, and probably a whole bunch of other factors.

good sex for me is connecting on an emotional and spiritual level with my partner, while engaging in the physical acts which provide the most pleasure for the both of us.

Spiritual? Like, religiously/philosophically/ethically?

spiritual in the sense that our coming together is a sacred union vs. a booty call.

I think good sex happens if each person is trying to make the other feel good, not just in it for themselves. I don't believe love has to be involved, although respect MUST be, and hopefully like too! But I think booty calls can result in GREAT sex, as long as the people involved respect themselves and each other and care enough about each other to want the other to have a good time too.

You know, in twelve years I haven't figured it out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's meh, and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with *anything*.

i don't do booty calls or one-night stands or "friends with benefits" type situations...because that cheapens sex in my opinion...but that's because i consider sex to be more than just a physical interaction with another person. i know other people think differently and if they are content with what they do, then so be it...but i cannot do that sort of thing. if two people don't feel the same way about sex...for example, if one person is emotionally connected and the other isn't...then that person will be hurt in the long run. and i feel that many people settle for just having sex with someone in the hope that it will become a real relationship and are disappointed when that doesn't happen.

I agree, girl. If one person is trying to turn fun sex into more than that, and the other doesn't want a relationship, it can only cause hurt. Everyone needs to be open and honest when sex is on the table (or anywhere else!) so everyone can be on the same page. Communication is part of the "respect" thing, to me.

Being with someone and both having a certain degree of mutual understanding -- that sometimes you want to just fornicate, and other times simply spend complete physical time and unity together without rush, or anxiety.

Essentially, trust and communication. What also makes sex good, is someone who is willing to go on the journey with you, and to share an experience without guilt or shame from any side before or after.

I think good sex comes with feeling comfortable with yourself, mainly. Then, having a connection with the other person. And, the ability to 'let go'.

Sometimes it's just 'meh' because that's just life, like your mind is on something else, you're not in the mood, you're tired and bored or whatever. Perhaps the 'meh-ness' comes from not being fully connected at the time.

I guess though, I'm out of practice!

As most have said, a sense of personal and emotional intimacy is vital.

Then, find what works and do is often. Don't do it all the time, though, switch techniques frequently, and don't be afraid to experiment. Talk through it, about what works and what doesn't, and don't take any of it personally.

quote:

Originally posted by Jena:
Everyone needs to be open and honest when sex is on the table (or anywhere else!)

Have I told you lately that I love you Miss Jenalouuuuuuu?

From the look of things, the general consensus would appear to be 'Company'.

quote:

Originally posted by Cavenagh:
From the look of things, the general consensus would appear to be 'Company'.

But not always.....

Stepping away from intellectualizing things though ... Desire makes sex good.

Desire for what is also a rich and varied issue. Oneness? Control? Praise? Sharing? Power?

But somewhere in the balance, I'd have to admit that during the early weeks or months you're with someone new, what you may not have together in understanding and technique and acceptance and belonging of a long term relationship (all good things, no doubt) ... is more than made up for by wanting and mystery and passion and mystery and even mistakes ...

Danger, they say, is an aphrodisiac, though really I cannot comment on that. I simply refuse to be with someone who cannot get themselves together enough to promise me I won't be shot by a jealous lover.

Appetite is the best sauce as they say, so too is desire the key to making sex intense.

Complacency and laziness are its death knells.

quote:

What made the good sex you had different from "meh" sex?
Was it technique? Or true love? Or practice? Or matching rhythms or something?

D'you know, i'll try to answer this but this is not a very specific question. And i'm not sure what you mean exactly.
We can all basically agree that there's nothing quite like having sex with the person you're in love with.
But "good sex" can be quite a lot of different things.
Nice quiet relaxed weekend-sex with lots of cuddling, passionate climbing-the wall-sex with clothes strewn over the entire appartment.

Not-so-good sex can be: boring sex, indifferent sex, or sex with someone you're not physically compatible with.

So i'm wondering what kind of an answer you're looking for here. But there are a couple of points, in my own private life, that i can tell you. Mutual respect is a given, you have to trust and respect eachother, otherwise it's no deal.

For one, and, to me the most important. If your partner is "only doing it for you" it's no fun. There's nothing sexier than a partner who is enjoying themselves.
Secondly variety. Don't do the same thing every time. Or go through the same routine every time.
Then there's communication, obviously. Very important. And enthousiasm for lack of a better word. This is not to say you can't *get* in the mood if you're not. But take the time to actually get in the mood first, even if it takes a little longer.
With compatibility issues (physical compatibility) it's even more important to try different things. All of us are not "built for eachother" and there are numerous techniques and tricks that can spice things up a little.

Some couples benefit by simply "reading up" and educating themselves. Some prefer "trial by error" see what works for you.

Now some of my favorite (simple) tricks, to "get in the mood".
-Look at eachother, *in the eyes* guys
-synchronised breathing can work wonders
-women sometimes take a bit longer, so *be patient* and don't just jump on.
-Again, communicate. What do you want, and what don't you. Pay attention to your partner.
-Try to breathe when you have an orgasm. Not just hold your breath -takes practice-.
-And... Practice, practice, practice! What a chore

This above all:
Have fun!

And here I thought this was going to be a thread on technique. Damn.

How important do you think technique is? Or size?

And Punkyfins, I'm equally interested in what people think good sex is, as in how to achieve it. That's why I haven't defined it myself.

I have no idea how important size (girth or length) is to a woman, but I suspect that technique likely trumps size any day.

As for technique, things both partners can do to heighten sex, I think it plays a lot into the equation, but I also think it's tied to much of what's been said here already. "Good" technique and using various techniques are all about being in the moment, about giving and taking, and listening and responding.

Does your partner like clitoral stimulation or not? Sometimes but not always? What about anal stumulation, or noises, or heavy breathing or whispering in the ear? Does your partner like their nipples stimulated or just like all of the sensation below the waistline? Do you kiss on the lips or just suck on their earlobes or neck? What about penetration - shallow or deep, fast or slow? I don't think anything you can think of are hard and fast rules, but I do think you can explore and experiment as long as you listen and respond.

What makes good sex is when both partners are in the moment, doing what turns them on, taking cues from their lover as to what's a turn on and what's not at any given moment, and adjusting. And I don't know how much of this is conscious or just subconscious reaction. I suspect that unless a partner is trying something very new, good sex is a subconscious, organic process, something that ebbs and flows between the partners.

I do want to reiterate the give AND take aspect. The best sex for me is when my partner is turning me on by taking what she wants. I don't want her doing everything just for me, I want the things she does to turn her on as well. Likewise, I can give everyting I know will turn on my partner, but I also really get off when she tells me what she wants, when I know she wants something and I'm giving it to her, that's such a turn on for both of us.