quote:

Originally posted by Murphybear:

as i said, i can understand wanting not to feel, but I can't view it as anything other than a waste...

i just look at is as, why spend so much time being depressed and miserable when you could...well, not feel depressed and miserable? it kind of prevents you from doing anything productive.

i know. and though i understand the need to minimize the bad, you have also advocated shutting off the good. This really does seem foolish to me.

Think of it as making sure the fireworks have the proper safety features, rather than cancelling the display.

quote:

Originally posted by Murphybear:
i know. and though i understand the need to minimize the bad, you have also advocated shutting off the good. This really does seem foolish to me.

Exactl. That-'s what I was trying to say -you can't just shut off the pain and the potentially bad stuff. It's like when you poison your garden to kill off weeds, you kill your flowers as well. Or antibiotics who also kill the god bacteria inside you.
I managed to protect myself fromt eh bad. But I've lost the good.

Thank you, Murphy, for your advice, but

quote:

Originally posted by Murphybear:
I have made a conscious decision to do something like this... to throw myself into it. And partly that does mean risking the pain again.
<snip>
And i had to realise that in the end, even the pain and hurt was worth it.

And to shut off the possibility of future pain, seems wrong, and not to make use of the time we have best.

What do we remember hardest, and clearest?

and what i would say is make the choice... say it clear in your head.

ignore the snark in your head and get on with doing stuff, and meeting people, and remeber we do't get to do this twice. why waste it?

I agree wholeheartedly with all this. And I used to live to it. Until, I don't know, two, one year ago, I used to do this. I used to say this to people, and I would say it still. I made the "conscious effort" to make this my way of life, and to be happy no matter what.
But now I can't. It's not that I don't want to. I DO want to. But I can't.
It's something I discovered only very recently. but there's some instinct-driven thing in me that pulls me away from things, people, friends, lovers... I can't help it.

But, anyway, thank you for the advice

dear cobalt,

i was spared from having to take any decision when yesterday my ex told me he's seeing someone. if it's such a relief then why do i feel so shitty about it?

a rather lame and unhappy lost girl

quote:

Originally posted by Alinda, the lost girl in long stockings:
dear cobalt,

i was spared from having to take any decision when yesterday my ex told me he's seeing someone. if it's such a relief then why do i feel so shitty about it?

Dear Lost Girl,

you feel shitty about it because you still feel like he's yours. that's normal. irrational, but normal. it's not easy to disentangle oneself from someone to whom one has been close. sometimes scissors are required. like when you've got gum in your hair.

but at least you needn't make a decision. that's one for you. you're no longer beholden to him; that's two for you. that's two against one (feeling shitty). try to think of it like that. and try not to do anything in terms of "getting even" because you think it will make you feel better. it won't, it only drives the shit deeper and scores one for the evil inclination. drink some tea. make some art. you'll be ok.

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:
drink some tea. make some art. you'll be ok.

that's some perfect mantra for me, there.

quote:

Originally posted by Alinda, the lost girl in long stockings:
that's some perfect mantra for me, there.

Dear Cobalt,

I'm old enough to know that relationships aren't about what you get out of them, but seeing what you've got in you to give.

Selflessness aside, what's a reasonable amount to expect back?


Thank you,

Amy

Dear Cobalt,

guess what? I'm whining over my ex again.
Today I saw him and he said I look very good with my hair like this and I just smiled and then I went away and wished i had a razor to shave off my hair completely.
Are these finally the symptoms of that madness I've been promising since childhood?

a sinead 'o connor wannabe

quote:

Today I saw him and he said I look very good with my hair like this and I just smiled and then I went away and wished i had a razor to shave off my hair completely.
Are these finally the symptoms of that madness I've been promising since childhood?

Nah, just revulsion at an asshole ex. It happens.

*hugs*

*hugs back*

Dear Cobalt,

How do you tell someone you're not interested in them as anythng other than a friend when they refuse to take the hint? She's never actually said anything, but recently she's been making it fairly obvious -- following me around, trying to engineer situations where we're alone together and generally being fairly creepy. It's gotten to the point now where it's entirely obvious to everyone that she's interested and I'm not, but I just don't know what to do now. I'm shit at hurting people's feelings.

Denver

i'm really sorry that it took me so long to get to this...i've been thinking and thinking about what to say, what would be helpful, and my brain just wasn't cooperating. i hope that this doesn't come too late to be of any use for you, Amy, Alinda, and Denver.

quote:

Originally posted by aitapata:
Dear Cobalt,

I'm old enough to know that relationships aren't about what you get out of them, but seeing what you've got in you to give.

Selflessness aside, what's a reasonable amount to expect back?

first of all, i don't think it's a matter of being "old enough" to know that relationships are about what you've got in you to give, but about how mature you are. a lot of people never figure this out at all, so you're already way ahead of the game.

i think though, that it's a fairly subjective and personal thing, determining the boundaries of give-and-take in a relationship. probably what it comes down to is, do you feel as if being with this person makes you a better human being? is the relationship causing you to strive to be an increasingly good person? it probably should. if it isn't, then maybe you deserve more.

i hope this helps.

quote:

Originally posted by Alinda, the lost girl in red flip flops:
Dear Cobalt,

guess what? I'm whining over my ex again.
Today I saw him and he said I look very good with my hair like this and I just smiled and then I went away and wished i had a razor to shave off my hair completely.
Are these finally the symptoms of that madness I've been promising since childhood?

probably not the symptoms of madness (though i'm right there with you in the "concerned about my sanity" waiting room). i think Ronin was right, it's just the residue of a broken relationship, the sort of bitter aftertaste. probably best just to continue avoiding the person.

plus, bald girls can be HOT.

i hope this helps.

quote:

Originally posted by denver:
Dear Cobalt,

How do you tell someone you're not interested in them as anythng other than a friend when they refuse to take the hint? She's never actually said anything, but recently she's been making it fairly obvious -- following me around, trying to engineer situations where we're alone together and generally being fairly creepy. It's gotten to the point now where it's entirely obvious to everyone that she's interested and I'm not, but I just don't know what to do now. I'm shit at hurting people's feelings.

yeah, it's always unpleasant when this kind of thing happens and there's really no way to do it entirely kindly. but using the word "friend" a lot seems to work. talk about other girls you're interested in, or what you look for in a girl (obvious things that she doesn't possess). it's still going to hurt her, i don't think there's any way to avoid that, but at least you can attempt to save her the embarrassment of being outright shot down. if all else fails, just reduce the amount of contact you have with her. and be aware that you might have to prepare a few words of consolation just in case she decides to make it explicit.

good luck, i hope this helps.


again you guys, i'm really sorry it took me forever to get to this. maybe i'm losing it.

That helps Cobalt, thanks. And you're definately not losing it, you're just changing gears

Thank you, Cobalt. I tend to run the same thoughts in my head over and over, and you always offer such a balanced perspective to my own mad head rumblings. I appreciate it.

thanks cobalt. and don't worry, personally i think it's already really nice and sweet of you to even go through these "letters"

Dear Cobalt.

If you'll forgive me for groping you philosophically in the "grope Cobalt thread" I've a question to put to you.
You see, this morning (yes it's morning here in Amsterdam) I was staring out of the window thinking about the stuff that's been happening for the last couple of months.
I was thinking, you know, I'll write it down, I'll send someone a letter. I need someone to talk to about this: but I'm too embarrased.
So after my vacation I checked the boards and I saw the ˜cobalt agony column'. I blinked and blinked again...
Now you are one of the most clever, intelligent and articulate people on the boards. As a lurker I've read many of your comments on philosophy and stuff, I've seen some of your replies in the agony column, and I'm very impressed.
So I wrote to you in the end. I know I've never done anything much for you (mostly because my english isn't really up to the challenge most of the time) and I know I don't really give away much of my personal life on the boards.
But since we don't really know eachother it might just be what the doctor ordered.
So here goes:
I've always been a rather erratic person. I run on emotion the way airoplanes run on kerosine. And yes, I just figured that out this morning. All this is coupled with me being very strict for myself and setting very high goals.
The last year there have been two funerals and a wedding (not mine), beside me founding my own company, and so, last week I sort of lost it.
After the wedding I burst into tears. My poor ˜brother-in-law-as-it-were-unoficcially' came to my rescue. He said that's what friends do. Now I won't go into the precise reasons for this brief regression into adolescence. But they have served as a catalyst and so I got to know me as I am. I used to be rather poetic about it, I just smiled and shrugged and said ˜thunder wishes it could be the snow'.
Now everything starts to make sense. I admire people who are reserved because I can't manage any reserve whatsoever. I get hurt by people thinking me ˜theatrical' because it implies that my behaviour doesn't come from real feeling, and it does. And I despise neurotic stressed people because... well you guessed it.
So basically I care too deeply, feel too much and seem to be unable to hide it. All of this leaves me in a state of continuous stress and the sort of apathy that goes with the debilitating effect of freaking out completely. I drink too much, I laugh too loud and my cigarette count went up by a packet a day.
Now this is not what I pictured myself to become. A psyched out, overworked over-emotional temperamental crank. And so we (finally) come to the question: is all this in any way normal? Do I need to be ˜lead in the right direction by kind people'? do I need to just ˜get a grip' and stop worrying because most people have something about themselves they're not happy with? Do I just need a hug?
Well Cobalt, all of this is completely uncalled for and I hope I haven't annoyed you or anything. Try to see this as a compliment
Hugs
Punkyfish.

<edit in> P.S. as I'm sending this, I'm not putting it in the ˜letters you're never going to send' thread for obvious reasons I know you're on holiday Cobalt, so i'll just leave the letter here as a sort of "letter i did send in the end" letter. </edit>

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Punkyfins,

punky, just want to let you know, cobalt is out of town this month.
also, i'm not any good at all at giving advice, but i know that ::hugs:: never hurt.