Dear Punkyfish,


sorry it took me so long to get to this. i've been back in Canada for a couple of days now, but i've been taking care of a few things.

i'll give it a shot here and you can let me know if i'm totally off the mark here; you're stressed out, you feel overemotional and immature? first of all, i don't think it's unusual. initially, you should stop smoking and cut down on the drinking, because you mentioned those were becoming problematic. the secrets to quitting smoking and drinking? whenever you feel like having a cigarette or a drink, instead, don't. that sounds glib, but that's really all there is to it. at first it might not exactly help your lessening your emotionality or your stress -- it's quite likely to make it worse for a while -- but you'll get over it.

the next thing is, basically, pretend. you'll need to consciously take a step back from yourself every so often, perhaps even every few minutes at the beginning, take a deep breath and evaluate the situation in which you find yourself, determine the appropriate responses, and then do that, no matter how you actually feel inside. this is the "seem to be unable to hide it" part, it's the easiest thing to work on initially. learn to hide it. once you've done that to a sufficient degree, you can begin the self-analysis part of it: thinking about why you're feeling the way you're feeling will help; if there is a reason for your emotion then you'll be able to deal with the reason instead of the emotion, and if there's no reason for it you'll be able to dismiss it more easily. this will take work, but just try to develop, step by step, an approach to yourself and the world based more solidly in reason, and the emotions will fit into place. don't ignore the emotions, but don't take them at face value either. when they get dramatic it's because you're ignoring some basic need and they're trying to get your attention. when you can step back and analyze them, you'll discover what they're really after and you can give them that, if it's not unreasonable.

and yeah, most people do have something about themselves they're not happy with. but self-improvement is always a worthy goal.

and if indeed you just need a hug, allow me: *hugs*

i hope this helps.

Dear Cobalt,
Do you think we're bound to have the same things happening again and again in our life? I understand we can make mistakes thousands of times until we've learned our lesson and all that, but what about other people's mistakes that happen to us? Am I doing something wrong? I've sort of discarded the Catholiquesque 'I'm being punished for something' thing, but I still keep wondering... why does this always happen to me?

Love, Blanca

Dear Blanka,

wihtout knowing the exact situation, i can still say that i wouldn't entirely discard the idea that you may be doing something that's causing this thing to keep happening to you. now, i don't mean you're being "punished" for anything, but everything that we do affects the universe, and everything that happens in the universe affects us in return, so if you're putting something out there it could just be coming back to you. i think the fact that it's something that keeps happening over and over again is a good indication of this. look at it this way: if you seem to keep getting hit by cars, perhaps you should stop running out into the middle of the street. it's not that you're being *punished* for running into the street, it's just that the natural consequence of that action is a high degree of likelihood that you'll be struck by a vehicle.

so you can evaluate what you're doing in your life that might have led to this consequence, in a metaphysical sense. if you can think of anything that seems reasonable, that might be connected, then try to change it. if it works, then great. if it doesn't work, then try changing something else.

if you go through everything you can think of and the pattern still continues, then it's quite possible that it's something that someone else is doing, which is somehow connected to you. see if you can pin down who and what it might be, and then see if there's anything you can do to help the person. it might be that someone needs your assistance and doesn't even know it, so your lives are connected and something they do is affecting you. try breaking the cycle by fixing their problem.

taking responsibility for your life and your problems means that, in a very real way, you're in charge of the balance of the whole universe. when we lack understanding of that, a lot of patterns can seem to be inexplicable or just stupid. it sometimes requires a shift of perspective.

i hope this helps; if it makes any sense to you, please let us know how it goes.

just realized that this thread passed the one-year anniversary mark a little while ago. i guess a lot of people have been a lot more well-adjusted lately, which is good.

that said:



Dear Cobalt,

how come nothing feels good?

*hugs*

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:
just realized that this thread passed the one-year anniversary mark a little while ago. i guess a lot of people have been a lot more well-adjusted lately, which is good.

all to your good advice no doubt.

quote:

that said:



Dear Cobalt,

how come nothing feels good?

*hugs* i'm no good at advice. i'd blame it on a 56 day election though. can't be good for the overall canadian psyche.

Thought maybe you'd like it.

Hang in there,
be gentle to yourself,
onions

This message has been edited. Last edited by: His Noodle Girl,

heh. thanks, people. not the first time i've hijacked this thread for my own self-indulgent purposes. i'll try to keep it to a minimum in the future, tho.

Dear Cobalt.

I think a student asked me out. What should i do?

sincerely,

concerned TM Liz

Are they hot?

hehe, and i know plenty of tutors that have dated students, it isn't really kosher while you are still marking their wok, but afterwards they are fair game!

i agree: are they hot?

i mean, if you think you could be interested, then if there is no conflict of interest you might as well go out with them. if you want to, obviously. seems pretty straightforward to me!

Hal, you shouldn't go marking woks anyway. It's unhygenic.

quote:

Originally posted by silly syrupy punk:
Dear Cobalt.

I think a student asked me out. What should i do?

sincerely,

concerned TM Liz

What Hal and Cobalt said. If you want to, do it when it's no longer a problem/conflict of interests. If you don't, then there are plenty of ways to turn someone down gently, including using the built excuse of how it would be inappropriate for a TA to be going out with students.

I think it also depends on your university's and department's policies.

When I was at Northeastern as a grad student, the policy was a very firm No Dating Undergrads At All--even if they weren't majors in our department, and even if they weren't even taking classes in our department. No undergrads, regardless of the circumstances, period.

Technically, that means I shouldn't have been dating Becca, but she'd dropped out of classes by that point anyway.

i just thought it was odd...

i'm going with the letting down gently option

and honestly, i don't really know the hotness level 'cause it was a distance course and i would have only seen him once at the exam and I don't remember who he was

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:

Dear Cobalt,

how come nothing feels good?

Because 2005 sucked ass even harder than 2004, much to everyone's surprise.

Here's to a joyous and prosperous 2006.

*clink*

word, Amy. and thanks. there are a couple of things potentially, speculatively on the horizon over here that are giving me a bit of hope for good things in '06. i mean on a personal level. i'm still scared of nuclear war on the international front. we can only pray for the best!

Dear Cobalt,

Men are very strange.

You meet a man from Britain, who has the same job you do. And you harmonise so well during the press conference that everyone thinks you're from the same newspaper. And he wants to stay in contact.

So you do some e-mailing. (No, this story doesn't end the same way the last one did, thank goodness.) And he asks you whether you also like British literature.

So you write two long paragraphs detailing your love for Austen, Hardy, Dickens, Beckett, Pinter and of course Shakespeare, ending with the story of how when you were thirteen years old you made your mother take you on a trip to England to see Stratford-upon-Avon --

And the man never writes to you again.

This is not a problem, but I AM wondering:

Is he the weird one or am I?

Yours,
Confused by Chromosomes

probably both of you.

there are plenty of explanations: either he felt intimidated by you, or maybe his tastes run to the more modern and he felt he didn't have anything interesting to say about the classics, or he realized that your communications were getting a bit out of his depth for whatever reason, maybe a bit too serious and continuing would have been inappropriate. any number of things. it's always annoying when stuff like that happens (and it's not exlusive to men, either, women have been known to cut off communication seemingly arbitrarily as well) but there's really not much you can do about it. try not to take it personally, it could very well have nothing to do with you.

*grin*
Thanks. I'm not taking it personally, but I was curious whether there was a pattern to this that everyone knew about except me.
I think I've located the problem: I take questions too literally.