maybe this is lame and pathetic but --

does anyone have any problems?

i think i could stand to feel useful again.

dear cobalt,

am i being unfair to the guy i'm hooking up with, since i have no intention of having any kind of relationship with him, and am in fact still in love with my ex? he knows that i recently got out of a serious relationship.

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:
maybe this is lame and pathetic but --

does anyone have any problems?

i think i could stand to feel useful again.

Yes. Oh yes. But at present I am too embarassed to write about them. Give me a couple of days . . .

Dear Cobalt,

It was my 30th birthday, and I was about to blow out the candles, and I realized I didn't know what to wish for. Really, all I want is to know what to wish for. Any suggestions for figuring that one out?

amy

quote:

Originally posted by jak in the box:

dear cobalt,

am i being unfair to the guy i'm hooking up with, since i have no intention of having any kind of relationship with him, and am in fact still in love with my ex? he knows that i recently got out of a serious relationship.

Dear jak,

as long as he knows that you have no intention of having any kind of relationship -- and i mean really knows, not just a "that what she says but she'll come around" kind of thing -- then you're in the clear. just knowing that you've recently got out of a relationship may not be enough.

but you should also be careful that you're not using him. if you're still in love with your ex, that's going to take a while and some effort to get past. if this guy is just someone that you're hooking up with for your own pleasure, to take your mind of your breakup or whatever, it could get into rough territory.

as long as you're upfront with him about your feelings and your intentions, and that you always remember that he's a person and you have to take his feelings into consideration before you act, then i think you should be alright. i hope things work out for you.

quote:

Originally posted by aitapata:

Dear Cobalt,

It was my 30th birthday, and I was about to blow out the candles, and I realized I didn't know what to wish for. Really, all I want is to know what to wish for. Any suggestions for figuring that one out?

amy

how about this -- wish to have the best possible effect on the people around you who need it most, and to allow them to have the best possible effect on you. you have a lot to contribute, and we all have a lot we can still learn.

also: a pony.

happy birthday!

quote:

Originally posted by monkgrr:

Yes. Oh yes. But at present I am too embarassed to write about them. Give me a couple of days . . .

i'll be here.


thanks for still trusting me, you guys. i hope this helps.

Dear Cobalt,

Please see all the very long, drawn out Im's I've been throwing at you for the last however long it's been and consider why you don't feel useful...Maybe I need to go find some more men, with more situations, to date so that I can spend some more hours Im'ing you so that you can feel more useful?

Thanks,
Alix

ps, there will always be more men, so you should probably keep your msn open....*sigh*

quote:

Originally posted by Alix:
Dear Cobalt,

Please see all the very long, drawn out Im's I've been throwing at you for the last however long it's been and consider why you don't feel useful...Maybe I need to go find some more men, with more situations, to date so that I can spend some more hours Im'ing you so that you can feel more useful?

Thanks,
Alix

ps, there will always be more men, so you should probably keep your msn open....*sigh*

Dear Alix,

my MSN is still open. i'm just not sure i'm having much of a positive impact. i can't change the fact that there are a lot of dumbasses out there, whom for some reason you end up dating. maybe i should take up voodoo!

I'm glad you revived this. The board's not complete without an agony column.

Here goes.

Dear Cobalt,

I'm 31 years old and I've decided to go back to magazine journalism. And I don't want an economic magazine either. I kind of think I know what directions I'd want to write in, but I don't want to jinx it by mentioning it.
Another possibility would be PR for initiatives I believe in (rather than companies). We'll see.

They'll ask me if I'm crazy. What if I have to freelance? What if I earn less? Everybody who wants to get anywhere in this market wants to work for a newspaper, wants to make it to the cover. I work for one of the most prestigeous papers in the country. I have a secure income and six weeks of holiday per year. It is crazy.

And then there's the kid plans too, I'm doing something risky right in the middle of founding a family.

But staying here too long killed my ambition. It's not making me happy.

So yeah, I know what I'm going to do. I'm just scared. I guess I could use a little encouragement and a few pokes in the right direction.

dear cobalt,

i don't know who i am anymore. plus, i'm on the other side of the world, and though that isn't why i no longer know who i am, it makes everything that much more complicated.

i don't know how i got here, mentally/emotionally i mean (i got to australia by plane). it's not that i don't like myself or anything, because i think i do like myself, i just don't recognize myself anymore, and it spooks me.

i don't know what i'm asking for, in terms of advice, really. sorry. i guess this was kind of pointless.

, grey

dear cobalt,

i'm exhausted.

I've been caught between two continents my whole life. i've always though that i would end up living in germany when all was said and done, and starting a career and a family there.

Things have changed so much since then. I moved back to the US the first year of university, fell in love, stayed got my degrees and split up the relationship that initially kept me here. for the entirety of that relationship i used the fact that there was an "us" and the fact that we were in school to justify staying here, always keeping alive the fantasy that one day we would go back to germany together, always hoping that he would learn to love it as much as i did, but still knowing that by doing so i would tear him away from the only home he had known. After the relationship ended I no longer had “reason” to stay here. Then I was forced to face the fact that in all probability, I would be better off here. And that is something I’m still having a really hard time accepting, because it goes against everything I’ve told myself since I was first forced to move here as a child.

The other thing is that I’m afraid that I don’t know how to accept things for the genuinely good things they are. Whenever I find myself in a good place I plan an exit strategy, just in case it doesn’t work. I’ve been burned, and i want to protect myself, but by wearing so many bandages and hiding from the sun, I’ll never experience.

I’m also having issues of bursting from the inside of my soul. I’ve read how you employ the shut-off emotion tactic. But I’ve been there. I’ve shut off emotion in the past to alarming success, but when I shut off emotion I also shut off my will to live and thrive, and i DO want to live and thrive. My problem is that I’m so filled with love of every kind, and I need a vessel to pour it into. All my life I’ve trained myself to bottle it all up, the good and the bad. But I’ve hit bursting point. I’ve dealt with most of the ugly that was bottled, but the good? How does one discharge a life of it without hurting one’s self in the process?

Ramblingly yours,

Lisa Crow Girl

Hi Cobalt,

Okay, trying to breathe here. I am shamed by own lameness right now.

First let me say how much I have always admired your dediction to your religious beliefs. It's an encouragement to me, even though ours are different (although I feel a connection, as mine wouldn't exist without yours).

Second, I'm not one of these young sweet people like the others asking you questions. At 41, I'm old enough to know better supposedly but lately, I've been struggling hard.

I graduated from college this past May. Yay! But man, was it a brutal struggle. Homework, job, kids. It was a lot to deal with. Now I'm applying for grad school because in order to teach I need a Masters in Education and the school I graduated from has an excellent program. But.

I am tired. I don't know if I really want to start this fall, but I hate to miss the time. I could defer until spring but I don't know ... It's taken me so long already, I don't want to waste an opportunity.

Plus, the money. I have four fantastic children (check my avatar -- that's the two oldest). The 20 year old is heading out to Arizona and college we hope (first go-round didn't work so well) and will basically be living on his own with maybe a little help from me, like paying for his health insurance, that sort of thing. The 18 year old is leaving for college about 2 hours away and there are of course expenses involved with that. My husband and I split expenses, because that helps keep us from shrieking like fishwives at each other, but financially, I'm hurting. The older three children are from my first marriage (I was married and had three kids and was divorced before I was 26 -- sigh) and naturally enough the child support has reduced because the older two are no longer minors. But that doesn't mean they don't need financial support. (Sadly their dad is an absolute horror of a dad, which is why I divorced him, who grew up wealthy and was fully supported by his parents and still gets all kind of money from them, but doesn't think his sons deserve anywhere close to the same treatment. Prick.)

Now, do I waste money? No doubt. I've got two literary conferences I'm planning to attend come heck or high water. I clearly see my own failings in this regard.

What I'm wondering is, should I defer my grad school and get another part-time job (up until last September, I worked as a waitress a couple of nights a week -- my day job is about 30 hours a week as a secretary) and start getting my money and current debt load squared away. Or should I go ahead and take at least one class in grad school this fall and still get the part-time job? I know I have an immense ability to work hard and to time manage well. I'm just not sure I have the inner will to do all of this right now.

Thoughts?

thanks,love, grace

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:
maybe this is lame and pathetic but --

does anyone have any problems?

i think i could stand to feel useful again.

feeling more useful yet?

He'll start feeling overworked, soon.

bah! men. it's just never right is it?

quote:

Originally posted by Babylon the Bride:
He'll start feeling overworked, soon.

In some ways, it was helpful to just write it out. And it's comforting to know that somewhere, somebody cares enough to ask!

(pssst monkgrr, I say you should go for the education!)

Listen to St. B.

I appreciate y'all's support. I've a request in for a meeting with the program advisor -- should happen this week or early next. One cool thing is that not only will I get a Masters but also a double bachelor's major: English Lit and Liberal Studies. I just feel . . . tired right now. Kind of worn out. Yet I so want to make a good choice here. (And BeeZee, my heartfelt support and sympathy for what you're dealing with right now. You're very brave.)

quote:

Originally posted by Babylon the Bride:

Dear Cobalt,

I'm 31 years old and I've decided to go back to magazine journalism. And I don't want an economic magazine either. I kind of think I know what directions I'd want to write in, but I don't want to jinx it by mentioning it.
Another possibility would be PR for initiatives I believe in (rather than companies). We'll see.

They'll ask me if I'm crazy. What if I have to freelance? What if I earn less? Everybody who wants to get anywhere in this market wants to work for a newspaper, wants to make it to the cover. I work for one of the most prestigeous papers in the country. I have a secure income and six weeks of holiday per year. It is crazy.

And then there's the kid plans too, I'm doing something risky right in the middle of founding a family.

But staying here too long killed my ambition. It's not making me happy.

So yeah, I know what I'm going to do. I'm just scared. I guess I could use a little encouragement and a few pokes in the right direction.

so you'll ask them if you're crazy. maybe you are. but if you have to be crazy to do what you want to be doing with your life, then maybe more sanity is not what we need in this world.

you already know what you're going to do, and the fact that you're willing to potentially give up money and prestige proves that you're doing it for the right reasons.

don't listen to what anyone else says. or rather, listen, and then make your own decision. it sounds like you're on the right track. good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by Inagreyplace:
dear cobalt,

i don't know who i am anymore. plus, i'm on the other side of the world, and though that isn't why i no longer know who i am, it makes everything that much more complicated.

i don't know how i got here, mentally/emotionally i mean (i got to australia by plane). it's not that i don't like myself or anything, because i think i do like myself, i just don't recognize myself anymore, and it spooks me.

i don't know what i'm asking for, in terms of advice, really. sorry. i guess this was kind of pointless.

, grey

Dear grey,

you're you.

no matter what, you are you. you might feel like you don't recognize yourself because of the situation you're in or the choices you've made, but at your core, you are always still yourself. if you like yourself, as you say you do, then you can take that and make whatever changes you think will make you happier, maybe bring you back to a place (mentally/emotionally, or geographically) where you were more comfortable being in the past, or maybe somewhere totally new. but you're always the person that you are. and that's a pretty cool person, i think.