quote:

---

Originally posted by Thirith:
Dear Cobalt,

You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks!

---

anytime!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mischief Bear - new! just $25:

*offers a toast to Cobalt*

To the most unlikely agony aunt in history!

*drinks and falls over*

---

i don't really know what an agony aunt is, but it's all thanks to you!

*drinks also*

quote:

---

Originally posted by St.Barbarlalala In a Box:
Dear Cobalt,

I am incredibly low on self-esteem and am always thinking that no matter how hard I try, no one will be particularly bothered if I disappear and am never heard of again. I also feel that everyone looks at me and thinks how ugly and horrid I look. Especially now I've just got a new haircut and look like Harry Potter (but without the glasses). I also feel that I come off as annoying.

What to do?

Yours sincerely

StBarbarella

---

eek. here's one i can relate to (except for the Harry Potter haircut, but the rest of it sounds extremely familiar to me). so i also know that no matter how much reassurance you get, it won't be satisfying. i can say, truthfully, that in that bus pass pic you posted -- a bus pass pic! -- you looked gorgeous. but i'm aware that other people's assurances don't mean much if you're convinced otherwise.

so the best thing to do is probably cultivate a nice healthy apathy towards your appearance. you'll feel less than adequate physically, maybe, but you have to think, "who cares? nobody is looking at me, and if they are, what does it matter anyway?" it's a good way to make one's expectations of oneself less impossibly high.

as far as feeling unimportant, like no one would care if you disappeared...i doubt that's true. just think about it for a little while and i'm sure you can remember plenty of people who care. but beyond that, something i'm trying to do is make myself indispensable to the universe. to become so important to the ongoing maintenance of the world that it wouldn't be able to do without me. i've been less successful than i'd hoped so far, but i think it's a positive sort of goal, and maybe you'd like to consider that as well. it couldn't hurt.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Cobalt:
sort of hazelish-brownish. and yours?

---

Dark blue.


Dear Cobalt,

My boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks and my life's been in a tailspin since then.
Specifically, the thing that bothers me is that he acts now like that past 7 months didn't mean all that much to him, despite the fact that we were going to move in together this next spring, that we were both in love with each other and were each others first real sexual partners, that he told me he 'could see himself spending the rest of his life with me.'
Now he says that because there are things in me that he didn't feel I was capable of changing, he feels like there just wasn't anything left to save in our relationship and that he doesn't think I'm capable of fixing the things that went wrong so that maybe someday we could get back together.
I know what I did wrong. I also know that they aren't major and deep-rooted things within myself that I can't change. They're just things that I fucked up.

Oh yeah, the second issue is that I think he's senselessly trying to get with other girls. Younger ones (he's 20). This bothers me for numerous reasons. Mainly that after 7 months of being his lover and memorising every inch of him, I hate the thought of him being with girls, especially ones that I know. The second part is that I have standards and so I won't just throw myself at any guy I can find, even though I'm lonely as hell. And the couple guys that are equally interested in me are thousands of miles away.

I don't know what to do, really. I'm tired of ranting and crying, and I know there is no way of fixing things with him. The 'us being just friends' thing is not working, but I can't get him out of my head and I don't want him out of my life.
Suggestions? Lend me a .38 so I stop thinking?

PS, how old are you and how the heck are you so good at giving advice?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Someone's Cocaine:

Dark blue.

---

nice.

quote:

---

Dear Cobalt,

My boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks and my life's been in a tailspin since then.
Specifically, the thing that bothers me is that he acts now like that past 7 months didn't mean all that much to him, despite the fact that we were going to move in together this next spring, that we were both in love with each other and were each others first real sexual partners, that he told me he 'could see himself spending the rest of his life with me.'
Now he says that because there are things in me that he didn't feel I was capable of changing, he feels like there just wasn't anything left to save in our relationship and that he doesn't think I'm capable of fixing the things that went wrong so that maybe someday we could get back together.
I know what I did wrong. I also know that they aren't major and deep-rooted things within myself that I can't change. They're just things that I fucked up.

Oh yeah, the second issue is that I think he's senselessly trying to get with other girls. Younger ones (he's 20). This bothers me for numerous reasons. Mainly that after 7 months of being his lover and memorising every inch of him, I hate the thought of him being with girls, especially ones that I know. The second part is that I have standards and so I won't just throw myself at any guy I can find, even though I'm lonely as hell. And the couple guys that are equally interested in me are thousands of miles away.

I don't know what to do, really. I'm tired of ranting and crying, and I know there is no way of fixing things with him. The 'us being just friends' thing is not working, but I can't get him out of my head and I don't want him out of my life.
Suggestions? Lend me a .38 so I stop thinking?

---

yeek. sorry about the breakup; they always suck.

okay, i see a few different issues going on here and i'll try to cut them into bite-sized portions to make them a little more manageable.

i'll start with these things about you that he apparently took issue with. now, self-improvement is always good, so if they're things that you recognize and acknowledge as problems, and they're fixable, then go ahead and fix them. but you should be doing it to make yourself a better person. if he says he doesn't think you're capable of fixing the things that went wrong, but you think that you are, then that might not really be the primary reason for his breaking up with you. but it's always a positive thing to work on yourself, so don't be too concerned about what he said on the matter. if you go off and improve yourself and it brings him back to you, then great. if it doesn't, then you're still a better person than you were before. so it's win/win.

the second issue is slightly more complicated. the fact that he's trying to get with other girls so soon after the breakup speaks to one of two things: either he's taking it much harder than you seem to think he is, or else one of the contributing reasons for the breakup was that he felt sexually inexperienced (you mentioned that you were each other's first real sexual partners) and wanted to broaden the scope of his experience before settling down with anyone. so while he very well may have seen himself spending the rest of his life with you, that insecurity at what he may have been missing could have been really bothersome to him. maybe it's not a particularly mature thing to feel, but i imagine it's extremely common. the fact that he's going for younger girls supports this; if you feel inadequate for your age, you're likely to seek out people younger and presumably less experienced than yourself, to seem comparitively more mature.

it's very good that you're not responding in kind, just throwing yourself at any guy you find. three weeks is not long enough to get over a seven-month relationship, and you shouldn't get involved with someone unless you're sure you're not doing it for selfish reasons.

that said, loneliness is a bitch. but there are ways of alleviating it that don't involve compromising your ethics. friends and family are good. or just embracing it works sometimes, grabbing a good book and sitting at a coffee shop for a few hours does wonders for calming a stormy mind.

it's terribly painful to watch someone you love with someone else, but there's nothing for it but to transform your feelings into something less sharp. that takes time, though, and there hasn't been enough of that yet. it's always best to stay friends with an ex if you can, and this is best accomplished by both people deciding not to be stupid. but that only works if both people do it, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to be not stupid at the moment. maybe later he will. until then you have to distance yourself from the feeling you have for him for a while. put other things between them. not other feelings, something else. like i mentioned before, books and coffee, or art or music or kindness.

you can't forget all about him, and you shouldn't. you can talk to him sometimes. but you can't be entirely the same person you were before. you'll always love him, but you won't always have to feel it so much.

i really hope this helps. you'll be okay.

quote:

---

PS, how old are you and how the heck are you so good at giving advice?

---

heh, thanks. *blushes*

i'm 25. i dunno, my friends just always told me i was a good listener and made them feel better about stuff. i try to offer some perspective, without all the emotion that makes it so difficult to see your choices clearly and make decision when you're in the midst of it. i like to break it down into cost/benefit analysis, rational decision making, and just lay out the possibilities that might be a little clouded.

also, i'm extremely egotistical and i like telling people what they should do.

.:muses:. All right. I'll have to print that and post it on my wall or something. Much appreciated.

Dear Cobalt,
are you really single? And will you move to NY?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Someone's Cocaine:
.:muses:. All right. I'll have to print that and post it on my wall or something. Much appreciated.

---

no problem. i'm glad you found it useful.

quote:

---

Dear Cobalt,
are you really single? And will you move to NY?

---

hee! yes, i'm really single. oh so single am i. i'm not only single but poor, and moving anywhere would require money, unfortunately. but i very much appreciate the sentiment.

wow. you're really single. bleeding amazing.

Maybe I'll move to Canada Once again, just a sentiment.

Dear Cobalt,
What colour is your hair? And how tall are you?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Someone's Cocaine:
wow. you're really single. bleeding amazing.

---

thank you. but not so amazing. you haven't seen what i look like.

quote:

---

Dear Cobalt,
What colour is your hair? And how tall are you?

---

my hair is dark brown, and down to my shoulders. i'm not tall; about 5'5" or thereabouts.

Dear Cobalt,

My question is coming at the end of this self-indulgent ramble, so please bear with me. I've just finished writing my first novel (well, the first draft of my first novel, I suppose) after three-and-a-half years of work. But I realize that writing it is the easy part, and the hard part is actually getting it published. I've received plenty of very polite rejection letters for stories I've sent out over the years, but that's about it. It hasn't been encouraging, but I've persisted, because I couldn't really stop writing even if I wanted to. The ideas just accumulate and need to be expelled. I've always written and I always will, regardless of whether I ever get published. But what if it turns out I'm just not talented enough, or not dedicated enough, or not lucky enough, or not marketable enough, to be a successful writer? My writing is pretty much the only thing that's important to me; without it, I don't think I'd be terribly interested in being alive. That sounds awfully melodramatic, but it's true. But if I have to continue on the way I have been so far, indefinitely, maybe permanently, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to handle it. I'd prefer not to end up on my deathbed with a lifetime's worth of dusty old novels and stories, seen only by my friends and family and a few interns at various publishing houses, and feel like my entire life has been a waste. This is how I'm meant to contribute to the world. I am absolutely convinced of it. If I can't use my writing, the only thing I have, to make the world better, maybe to enrich people's lives a little bit, then I am useless. But it's just out of my hands to such a large degree, and I have a lot of trouble trying to come to terms with the fact that I may end up only ever writing for myself. The non-creative world, where we work jobs that we don't necessarily love, to make enough money so that we can eat until we die, is just so soul-crushing. I don't want writing to be forever a hobby, that thing I do when I come home from work instead of watching television or collecting stamps. I want writing to be my life.

What do I do?



Sincerely,

Too Squeamish For Real Life

Dear Squeamish,

i wish i knew what to tell you.

Dear Squeamish,

While I don't have any advice to lend you, I would love to read a story or two or three from you.

Curious and wanting to be changed by words,
sanjeeta

Dear Cobalt:

Do you need a partner for the advice business, perhaps for nights you're not around or such?

Sincerly,
Someone with an overdeveloped sense of compassion.

Dear Cobalt,

I found your advice for my earlier enquiry very, well, brilliant and helpful, you can honestly seem to be able to relate and rationalise, and being rational about emotions is usually very difficult...

So I'm gonna be sneaky and request some more advice...

I've always been a late bloomer, first boyfriend at 18, first... well actually the world doesn't need to know that.

I'm finding that all my friends tend to be getting involved in serious relationships at the moment. And it's getting me down, firstly because my usual state is single, and secondly i don't feel i'm ready for that sort of relationship yet. Is it ok for me to still freak out at the thought of marriage? or will i find that when i get to 35 i will be the only single girl left?

please help
Hal.

Dear cobalt

it seems to me you're getting some sneakely and very personal questions lately so here an easy one:

what is exactely your avatar? cobalt would be the easy answer but they seam more like chunks of cobalt artistically arranged. morover to me it strangely ressamble to one of my mum's favorite flowers: ortensia.

So please clear this dilemma of mine

hoping to see you soon back yours sincerely,

Serena

Dear Cobalt,

I have an article with websites that offers steps to self-publishing and other useful such stuff.
I'll email (or PM) the stuff to you if you show me your picture :P
Well, I'll of course send it anyway, but you should send a pic.

Dear Cobalt,

what's the best value hardcore porn sight on the web?

quote:

---

Originally posted by phoenix6:
Dear Squeamish,

While I don't have any advice to lend you, I would love to read a story or two or three from you.

Curious and wanting to be changed by words,
sanjeeta

---

thanks. sure, i can send you a couple of things. i really wrote my best stuff between 1998-2001, sadly enough. should i email, is the address in your profile good?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cobalt,

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ronin:
Dear Cobalt:

Do you need a partner for the advice business, perhaps for nights you're not around or such?

Sincerly,
Someone with an overdeveloped sense of compassion.

---

hee. i don't think i have a monopoly on advice-giving around here. one of these days someone's going to tell me i'm full of shit, and they'll probably be right.

quote:

---

Originally posted by halucinagenia:
Dear Cobalt,

I found your advice for my earlier enquiry very, well, brilliant and helpful, you can honestly seem to be able to relate and rationalise, and being rational about emotions is usually very difficult...

---

thank you. i'm very glad you found it helpful.

quote:

---

So I'm gonna be sneaky and request some more advice...

I've always been a late bloomer, first boyfriend at 18, first... well actually the world doesn't need to know that.

I'm finding that all my friends tend to be getting involved in serious relationships at the moment. And it's getting me down, firstly because my usual state is single, and secondly i don't feel i'm ready for that sort of relationship yet. Is it ok for me to still freak out at the thought of marriage? or will i find that when i get to 35 i will be the only single girl left?

---

i was a late bloomer too...later than you. to tell the truth, i'm probably still only half-bloomed. but anyway...

yes, of course it's okay to freak out at the idea of marriage. it's probably not healthy not to freak out about it. marriage, despite what this society seems to think, is a serious thing. it's not just an extra-intense form of dating. you shouldn't be in a serious relationship (or any relationship) unless you want to be, and unless you know you're not doing it for selfish reasons. "because everyone else is doing it" isn't a good enough reason.

i wouldn't worry about what'll happen when you're 35. if you decide you want to be in a relationship, then i'm sure it won't be too difficult to find one. besides, being single isn't the worst thing in the world. there's a lot less stress. when you feel like you need more stress in your life, then you can start worrying about marriage.