*hugs the thread and all it's posters*

Dear Cobalt,

I'm single and I'm happy. What's wrong?

your pal,

Chad

Dear Cobalt:

i spent all night lurking on an RPG board instead of going to my RPG night or doing papers

what is wrong with me?

also, if a girl spends alot of time talking to me and asking me questions and telling me she knows about my personality from my eyes, does that mean she's interested in me in a romnatic sense?

dear cobalt,
God damn it, I love you people. frick frick frick
James

quote:

Originally posted by Thirith & His Enormous Tibia:
(P.S.: Don't call her hen, Cobalt. )

hey, watch out or i'll be tempted into tickling your tibia again

Dead Inagreyplace and BeeZee,

it is an admirable thing you wish to undertake. here are the things you should know:

it's a long, gruelling process. when i first started, i'd been working on it for four or five years and then i totally fucked it up and had to start again almost from square one. it was my own fault, really, and i've made a lot of progress since then, but it's something you need to keep on guard for. under no circumstances must you fall in love.

also be aware that it's the positive emotions that will be the first to go. they're by nature more ephemeral and less deep than the negative ones, so it starts with them. for me, it was a simple cost/benefit analysis: the negative emotions had always greatly outweighed the positive ones, so to discard them both would be no great loss. still, it can be disconcerting to realize that you don't enjoy things as much anymore, yet are still subject to depression and anger and and anxiety and all that fun stuff. don't freak out. it's only one phase of the process.

ok, first thing is be determined not to make decisions based on emotion. acknowledge that you're having an emotion that makes you want to do something, and then take no account of it. evaluate the situation rationally and see what action is justified. you should ideally have at least three good, non-emotional reasons to take any given action, and "i want to" doesn't count. remember that reason is the voice of your soul. emotion is the voice of your evil inclination. sometimes they'll happen to agree. if so, great. but when your head and your heart disagree, always go with your head. ALWAYS. your heart doesn't know shit. it just wants to fuck with you. don't let it.

be careful how you speak. stop using the phrase "i feel." always say "i think" and then say what you actually think, and not what you feel. you'll grow to trust your thoughts much more than your feelings this way, and see how much more trustworthy reason really is.

next you should attempt to develop a healthy apathy. resolve not to make new emotional investments in anyone or anything. you needn't discard the ones you already have, at least not at first, unless some of them are giving you particular trouble. but it's easiest when you're just starting out not to make any new emotional investments. you only have a finite amount of psychic energy and you don't want to spread yourself too thin.

sit down and make a list of your goals. mostly the Big Picture sort of goals, what you want to do with your life, etc. smaller stuff you can do later, once you've worked out the more important stuff. now, take what you've got and analyze it: which of those goals are rational, and which are emotional? some of them will probably be both. but first identify the purely emotional ones, and forget about them. make an active effort not to pursue them. they'll only lead you astray. identify your most rational goals by grading them on a scale of altruism and logical consistency. which of them help the world the most, with the least gain for yourself (including emotional payoff)? what if you were to achieve it (or if everyone were to achieve it) -- would the conceptual underpinnings of it still cohere? if so, those are your most rational goals. pursue them with all your being. everything else will fall somewhere in the middle. try to rank them. give priority to the ones with the highest rational/emotional ratio.

dismissal is your friend. when something happens, and you detect the beginnings of some anxiety, just say "whatever" and think about something else. say "it doesn't matter" and then go do something creative. write a story, paint a picture. or think about how you can be a better person. give some money to charity. do someone a favour without intending to have it repaid. whatever sort of presents itself.

silence is also your friend, as is hot tea. try to find some time every night (it works best at night) to have complete quiet and a cup of tea, and maybe some Mozart, and write down your thoughts from the previous day. take deep breaths. it's a kind of mediation. it's very calming. calm is your goal. contentment. serenity, even. at the very least, the absence of anxiety.

be patient. i've been doing this for years and i'm still much less far along than i'd hoped. but i'm doing a lot better than i used to be. you'll have occasional relapses. don't sweat it.

it's a long road ahead. good luck. and please don't hesitate to come to me if you need any help. i'll do whatever i can.

quote:

Originally posted by Alinda, the lost girl in long stockings:
dear cobalt,

i'm being a coward and can't take it anymore. could i just be someone else instead?

sure, you want to be me? i suspect it wouldn't be much of an improvement. how are you being a coward? what are the reasons behind it? that's probably something you can work on.

quote:

Originally posted by Chad the Lad:
*hugs the thread and all it's posters*

Dear Cobalt,

I'm single and I'm happy. What's wrong?

your pal,

Chad

Dear Chad,

nothing's wrong, man! you're doing well. keep it up.

quote:

Originally posted by Tlön:
Dear Cobalt:

i spent all night lurking on an RPG board instead of going to my RPG night or doing papers

what is wrong with me?

it's not just you...i have this theory that radiation-emitting thingies like television and computers induce a kind of hypnotic trance (and also cause time to run faster). sometimes i'll find myself sitting and reloading the same page over and over again for hours, or cycling through every TV channel ad infinitum, even though i'd really prefer to be reading or sleeping or something. it's almost as if electromagnetic radiation saps one's free will. it's creepy.

actually, this guy i met made a really interesting observation: television, TV, tee-vee, it evokes the Hebrew phrase from Genesis, tohu vavohu, meaning "without form, and void," referring to the period before God had created anything. it's worth thinking about the connection.

quote:

also, if a girl spends alot of time talking to me and asking me questions and telling me she knows about my personality from my eyes, does that mean she's interested in me in a romnatic sense?

fucked if i know. i had a girl actually tell me that she and her friend were talking and they decided that "it would probably be cool to date" me, for all sorts of very nice and flattering reasons. and yet, when i made it clear that i would be interested in such a thing, she gave me a very polite but obviously bullshit excuse for why she didn't want to.

so i can't advise you on what's going on inside this girl's head. try to kiss her, and see what she happens.

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:
sure, you want to be me? i suspect it wouldn't be much of an improvement. how are you being a coward? what are the reasons behind it? that's probably something you can work on.

lemme see: do i want to be smart and have writing skills? i'll have to ponder on that.

i'm back in my shell. it's just that i've always had problems in socializing, and when things go bad i just run back inside. so i avoid confrontations etc. etc. and i can whine freely on how no one undestands me because i'm here in this shell, and no one bothers enough, and other self-indulgent crap like that.

quote:

Originally posted by Alinda, the lost girl in long stockings:

i'm back in my shell. it's just that i've always had problems in socializing, and when things go bad i just run back inside. so i avoid confrontations etc. etc. and i can whine freely on how no one undestands me because i'm here in this shell, and no one bothers enough, and other self-indulgent crap like that.

oh yeah, i know exactly what you mean. i'm the same way. i've kind of resigned myself to being forever misunderstood, and now i feel a lot better about it. it's like a permanent air of mystery which is so conceptually intriguing (whether anyone besides myself is actually intrigued with it is not my concern).

i recommend apathy. simply cease to give a shit, and then you won't have to worry about any of the stuff you're worrying about, because...so what? you know?

if you want to elucidate a bit more, i'm happy to listen.

quote:

Originally posted by clover:

So, my question to Cobalt would be:

Dear Cobalt,
How can I feel again? I mean, truly, fully, 100%, like I used to. How do I stop being afraid of my feelings?

Hugs,

clover without a heart

this is a tricky one.
If i can be Yin to Cobalts Yang for a moment.

I have made a conscious decision to do something like this... to throw myself into it. And partly that does mean risking the pain again.

and I remembered all the good times that came before the pain, rather than view the good things as something that happened before the bad.

And i had to realise that in the end, even the pain and hurt was worth it.

And to shut off the possibility of future pain, seems wrong, and not to make use of the time we have best.

What do we remember hardest, and clearest?

and what i would say is make the choice... say it clear in your head.

ignore the snark in your head and get on with doing stuff, and meeting people, and remeber we do't get to do this twice. why waste it?

thanks, Murphy. i wouldn't have known how to answer that one.

dear cobalt & mischief

i think perhaps i want some sort of balance between what you're both suggesting. it's not so much that i want to learn to stop feeling entirely, as i want to be able to have more control over my emotions and be able to put them aside if/when i need to.

right now i'm at the point where i often can no longer get myself to do even simple schoolwork because i'm too damn emotional. i think that's a problem. i want to fix it.

i don't want to stop being emotional, though. i just want to be able to kind of pause it, be able to do the things i need to do, and then let myself feel again and fall apart or jump for joy or whatever i have to do.

yours,
me

huh. well, i'm not really sure...i tend to be kind of binary in my thinking. i prefer absolutes, black and white. an on/off switch for emotions would be great, but i'm really uncertain as how to construct it...i don't really know how to feel good about things when i recognize that i should. but maybe some of the advice would still help...the tea and silence, for sure. maybe you just need to develop your own little ritual. a kind of macro whereby you'd let your brain know that this was the time for reason, and then later to shut it off. a kind of mediational thing? what do you think?

yes, i think that's an excellent idea. i do like the idea of tea and quiet wordless music and writing, or some other relaxing, meditative ritual like it. something cathartic and consistent. i also like the suggestion you made in the paragraph before that, about doing something creative or kind for others to sort of distract yourself, get out the feelings or replace them with feeling better for having done something useful.

i think you're a very smart person, cobalt.

quote:

Originally posted by Inagreyplace:
yes, i think that's an excellent idea. i do like the idea of tea and quiet wordless music and writing, or some other relaxing, meditative ritual like it. something cathartic and consistent. i also like the suggestion you made in the paragraph before that, about doing something creative or kind for others to sort of distract yourself, get out the feelings or replace them with feeling better for having done something useful.

cool. let us know if it works for you!

quote:

i think you're a very smart person, cobalt.

heh. thank you. i just have a lot of time to think about stuff, is all. probably too much.

quote:

Originally posted by Cobalt:

quote:

Originally posted by Tlön:
Dear Cobalt:

i spent all night lurking on an RPG board instead of going to my RPG night or doing papers

what is wrong with me?

it's not just you...i have this theory that radiation-emitting thingies like television and computers induce a kind of hypnotic trance (and also cause time to run faster). sometimes i'll find myself sitting and reloading the same page over and over again for hours, or cycling through every TV channel ad infinitum, even though i'd really prefer to be reading or sleeping or something. it's almost as if electromagnetic radiation saps one's free will. it's creepy.

actually, this guy i met made a really interesting observation: television, TV, tee-vee, it evokes the Hebrew phrase from Genesis, tohu vavohu, meaning "without form, and void," referring to the period before God had created anything. it's worth thinking about the connection.

i was thinking something similar... only due to all that lurking, i was thinking in terms of RPG plots... screens not being screens but WINDOWS to some horrible Lovecraftian nightmare world

i think Harlan Ellison did something with that

quote:

Originally posted by Murphybear:
I have made a conscious decision to do something like this... to throw myself into it. And partly that does mean risking the pain again.

and I remembered all the good times that came before the pain, rather than view the good things as something that happened before the bad.

And i had to realise that in the end, even the pain and hurt was worth it.

And to shut off the possibility of future pain, seems wrong, and not to make use of the time we have best.

What do we remember hardest, and clearest?

and what i would say is make the choice... say it clear in your head.

If I may jump in for a sec - this just reminded me so much of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Have you seen it, Cobalt, and what's your take on the movie and the relationship in it?

quote:

Originally posted by Thirith & His Enormous Tibia:

If I may jump in for a sec - this just reminded me so much of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Have you seen it, Cobalt, and what's your take on the movie and the relationship in it?

i really liked it, but i disagreed with the conclusion. they pretty much doomed themselves to make the same mistakes all over again. i didn't understand. i mean, i understood but i think they made the wrong choice. maybe it's just me, but my capacity to experience happiness is so dwarfed by my capacity to experience misery that it's not even a fair fight. i like having had experiences, but i just wish i didn't have to feel the bad ones so strongly. if other people are different and it turns out that it's worth all the pain to experience the joy, then good for them. but for me it isn't, and that's the only criteria i have by which to judge. so i was pretty alienated by the end of the movie because i just couldn't identify with the decision they made. i really did like the film overall, though.

but when it came down to it, they realised that the meories, good and bad, made them who they are.

to lose that would be traitorous.
and to forclose the ability to feel either again... that just seems wrong.
cos that's what we're talking about here. Not feeling again. Trying to never feel again.

I can see why someone might want that.

But i can't in good faith try to help someone achieve it. Sometimes (and more often than seems fair, or right) you have to baton down the hatches, to protect yourself.
But i think you have to ask to what end are you protecting yourself?

as i said, i can understand wanting not to feel, but I can't view it as anything other than a waste...