Dear droning workmate #1:

You have too high an opinion of yourself and you DON'T STOP MOANING. MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN. You think everything you do is perfect and everybody else is incompetent and totally unappreciative of your efforts. You're an insulting, condescending, miserable, ungrateful little snot. I hate every time you open your self-centred, self-important, self-loving little mouth.

Dear droning workmate #2:

Stop feeding off #1's negativity. You used to be okay but now you're getting on my nerves enormously. Your gallows humour was humour for a while, but now it has a depressing repetitiveness that makes me tempted to help put you out of your misery.

To both of you:

The sooner I'm out of this godforesaken corner of the office the better.

Dear Universe,
Stop fucking around. I'm sick of it.

Well I have heard that you can sterilise sponges by microwaving them?

Dear bikini,

Please, don't ever do that to me in public anymore.

My dear co-worker.
I’ve been pissed on, pissed off, poked, prodded, berated, patronised, ignored and taken for granted. I’ve been ordered about, snapped at, fucked with and aggravated.
I am woman, and I get to cope, nod bow scrape, hold my tongue and understand. Just like you.
Not today. You think you know me, the hell you do. I’m tired, I’m angry, I’m sore and I’m *mean*. My tongue will cut through bone. I will take your inflated ego, and make it fit into a straw. Today: just for today, you don’t get to overcompensate, talk about your bowel-movements, snap at me, stare blankly, or breathe too loudly. You do not get to squeal, screech or shrug. You do not get to bump into me, roll your eyes, or stand too closely. You get to move quietly, walk around me, and talk in a hushed voice. You get to listen patiently, nod, smile and hope I don’t tear you to shreds.
You do not bark, you do not make sudden movements. You do not yammer, turn the TV on loudly or listen to annoying youtube videos.
They prodded me with a pointy stick to make me come out of my cave. I’m out. But I ain’t no Winnie the Pooh. Me, I’ll tear your fucking head off because you looked at me wrong. For today, just for today: you will know me. And if you’re smart: you’ll get the fuck out of my way.

*looks at Punkyfins with saucer eyes*
*with trembling hands, sets a cup of tea on the table for her*
*backs off slowly*
*holds her breath until safely outside*

(psst, Tis...your bikini again...)

*shrieks*
*covers herself*
*hides*

To D: If I don't hear from you soon my head is going to explode with impotent and unfounded worry and paranoia.

To me: Stop being so ridiculous. He likes you. He just doesn't spend 24 hours a day a) online and b) in contact with you. And there's absolutely no reason why he should.

To fins: *huge hugs* I hope your today gets significantly better. And at the very least I hope your co-worker becomes so quiet and unassuming as to be undetectable.

um - wow Fins. I hope they paid attention. Hope things got better. *hugs gingerly*

And Fion - I know that feeling EXACTLY. Don't worry. He'll be back soon.
*hugs*

Ah, you are a Fins after my own heart

Dear Friend's Boyfriend:

You know, I think you're a nice person and I appreciate everything you've done with regards to me. I wish I could give you this advice, but I think at this point in your life you probably would neither understand nor accept most of it.

But let me just write it out here anyway.

As I told you, logic is an excellent tool, but a very unpleasant master -- a play on Benjamin Franklin's words on government I believe. The point is, logic is useful but it is not the only force out there, and it certainly isn't all applicable. You like to argue and debate a lot on this basis, which I do not mind all the time.

But you are young, not much younger than me but enough for me to know an idealist when I see one. One day, you are going to encounter a situation where your arguing for the sake of it is going to get you into a lot of trouble. Especially with regards to last night's topic. Sometimes I admire you for your convictions and for some of the things you've done at this point in your life which I didn't have the guts or the will to do.

But I know a little to realize that you have a lot more to learn, assuming you ever want to. I really hope that you do not have to learn the hard way. Because I like you and I think you are a good person. But life doesn't necessarily have that sort of bias.

Take care, and try not to be an ass. Because I know you're not.

Sincerely,
me

A quote at myself:

quote:

To me: Stop being so ridiculous. He likes you. He just doesn't spend 24 hours a day a) online and b) in contact with you. And there's absolutely no reason why he should.

also, he is amazing and spends a lot of time and effort making you feel like an important part of his life.
so quit with the clingyness. you know he calls you every night, plus emails, plus emails a "good night" to your phone after you hang up for the night.
he is not A or P . he is in a totally different area and is a totally different person and he likes you.
ok? accept it, stop being scared of it, and just adore him the way he deserves to be adored.
*shakes pointer finger*
-me

You,

The things you said to me were beneath you. At least I hope they were. Otherwise I have no idea who you are.


Me

Dear guy I am attracted to:

When you are sitting across from me, please don't yawn and stretch so that your belly shows. It's cruel to show me the tummy I can't lay my head on.

Sincerely,

Me

quote:

Originally posted by OnTheHalfShell:
Dear guy I am attracted to:

When you are sitting across from me, please don't yawn and stretch so that your belly shows. It's cruel to show me the tummy I can't lay my head on.

Sincerely,

Me

*hugs*

Dear guy she is attracted to

please notice her, she is a wonderful person and deserves some fun.


aunty smaug.

quote:

Originally posted by Smaug:
Dear guy she is attracted to

please notice her, she is a wonderful person and deserves some fun.


aunty smaug.

~agrees~
Yeah!

Dear Puppies,

WOOF! Woof woof-woof, WOOF. Growl.

Me

**Translation - Please! Stop eating the birds in the back yard. Enough already!**

"Remember me? We used to go to school together when we were, what, 10?"

Let's be honest: even if your message had continued "Look, I'm terribly sorry about bullying you mercilessly and making sure your life was a living hell for more than two years", there is NO. FUCKING. CHANCE. I would ever want you as a Facebook contact.

I almost admire the balls, though. You wrote about how someone you knew had read my book and how you thought it'd be really cool if we could get back in touch again. Do I still have those funny fingers that I can bend backwards till they touch my wrist? And have I heard from any of the other kids in our class lately? You now have a daughter the same age as me when I came to your school!

(Let's hope your daughter doesn't have any classmates like you, and the rest of them.)

My own momentary adrenaline surge surprised me, as if it had been stored in muscle memory. Which makes me kind of proud of the polite reply I wrote back, thanking you for your message and explaining I only use Facebook to share photos and stay in touch with my friends and family, and that I've decided to refuse requests from other people.

I don't know if you've forgotten, or thought that I had, or just didn't care and assumed I wouldn't either. More than 20 years later you still have the emotional depth of a paper towel. Yes, I can tell that from one smarmy kiss-ass message. Well, good luck being you for the rest of your life. Stay away from mine.

Sincerely,