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Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
posted
(short review)

The Shallows Rating of Fury: C


Go ahead and stare. The movie is about Blake Lively's ass and the antics of The Stuff that's Connected to Blake Lively's Ass

When I was a teenager, I was attacked by a shark off of Clearwater, Florida. Since then I have vowed to watch every awful shark attack scene in every movie ever in order to keep my deep hatred of sharks strong. Mad


Even the weirdest interpretation of Batman can kick shark butt.

But enough about me (its all about me who the frick writes a movie review and says 'I' seventeen times laptop screen you are the reflective pool for my beautiful narcissistic face) and onto The Shallows!

Blake Lively plays a med student who became a med student because her mom has cancer and then died (of cancer) before she could graduate and now she's all passive-aggressive bitchy about it... or the student loans..., SO she quits meds school and travels to an unnamed beach in Mexico because her mom surfed there.

- doesn't know the language
- more interested in her phone than her surroundings
- doesn't know how to get to the beach or the beach's name
- decides to surf alone
- the bay has rocks jutting out of it
- still decides to surf
- there's a DEAD WHALE floating in the bay
- STILL decides to surf
- is warned about stinging jellyfish and razor sharp coral on the rocks jutting out of the water
- STILL decides to surf

To sum it up, Blake Lively's character is a self-absorbed idiot. You kinda want the shark to eat her, especially after her painfully long and awkward texting/Skype screen-in-screen moments. Why the shark even bothers eating people in the bay when there's a DEAD WHALE CARCASS floating a few yards away? I mean, c'mon, low hanging fruit. Probably tastes better too.

It's Girl v. Shark for the next hour, and while the situation gets a little ridiculous, if you can survive the first 30 minutes of The Shallows the rest of it is entertaining. There was once scene that made me laugh, and, well,... it is a hot chick in a bikini for 90 minutes. I cannot recommend anyone pay money to see this flick in the theater, but when it hits cable? Yeah.
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
could be the Video who killed the Radio star.
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Picture of fluffyllama
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Recommendation noted and appreciated.

Can we expect exclusively shark related movie reviews?



lookit me, i'm postin! wheee!
 
Posts: 14241 | Location: Mpls, MN USA | Registered: August 24, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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Hi llama! Big Grin

Just shark movies? Nnnnno, but I will guarantee this: None will be as awesome as Deep Blue Sea! Rating of Fury: A doubleplusgood


Spoiler: That hurts.
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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Dev and I just saw Independence Day, the next one, and it was long and not as cheesy as the first one. However, it promised us a third movie, which could be gonzo if it lives up to the promise of the premise.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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*never watched Independence Day*

*wonders why aliens wouldn't just terraform-bomb the Earth from a safe distance away*
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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How is it possible that you never watched Independence Day?

They sorta crammed a (square)explanation into the (round hole)second movie, but my suspended belief (which was hanging on by old dried out Halloween decoration cobwebs) barely held out.

I think I'll just go re-watch The Last Starfighter.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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The year: 1996

1+ year into my third shift career job and working on a graduate degree I never completed. I just didn't have time to see it.

Movies I did see in a 1996 theatre:

Mission: Impossible
Rumble in the Bronx
The Nutty Professor
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Twister
Star Trek: First Contact
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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And I've managed to live my live never seeing Mission Impossible.

I didn't see any of the others either, except for the Star Trek one.

I keep seeing previews for the new Tarzan flick and thinking "meh". I do still want to see Dory, but it seems like I'll be going by myself. I also want to see The Secret Life of Pets.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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The toughest thing about being a half-assed amateur film critic is resisting the intuitive "this isn't my kind of movie" or "this is going to suck" feelings and paying to watch it anyway.

If it wasn't for Mission Colon Impossible Rating of Fury colon B , there'd never be a Mission: Impossible III Rating of Fury: B-, and we'd never see the underappreciated Philip Seymour Hoffman chew up the the scenery as the best villian baddie since Die Hard's Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman).

But the rest of Mission: Impossible III? Can you guess the scene that made me shout "REALLY?!" in the theatre? Mad
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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A new Purge movie opens tomorrow!


This was the crap that I was borned to criteek!
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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While I may have Facebook and Twitter accounts, you'll notice I don't use them... can't say exactly why, especially since I've been making the same ADD blurby type comments here for thirteen years.

HABIT. Razz
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Finding Dory Rating of Fury: A


Hank the Octopus (Ed Harris a.k.a. Al Bundy) stealing the scene. Don't be surprised if Hank gets his own animated movie in a few years.

This is an excellent movie. Not just an excellent cartoon, but an excellent movie. While Pixar tends to play up the comedy in a character's flaws (example: the imbecile sea lion) or turn it into a plot device that gets forgotten in sequels (Nemo's fin; Buzz Lightyear's refusal to believe he's a toy), Finding Dory handles Dory's disability with a kindness and respect that goes beyond the standard 'protagonist overcomes their shortcomings and saves the day' Disney glurge. While there's lots of chuckles in the film, there's mature drama too, and Pixar doesn't try to hide it.



New characters, such as Dory's parents aren't perfect, but aren't ham-handedly flawed either.

If you have or had someone in your life who's dealt with mental illness or disability, you know the special kind of love and patience it takes on a daily basis. While Dory's parents aren't shown being discourteous to Dory's needs (Nemo's dad Marlin and Hank the Octopus get that job), they are portrayed as slightly tired, with Dory's mom breaking down at one point. Pixar could have easily screwed the parent-daughter relationship up with less sensitive or classic Disney scripting, but neither Dory nor her parents are vilified.



Okay the image isn't the best resolution, but the animation is spectacular.

In fact, the only true villain in Finding Dory is a luminescent squid that doesn't play that big of a part in the movie. The squid had no dialogue, but it is a beautifully animated monster. We're at the point in computer animation where if Pixar didn't intentionally make characters and environment cartoony, I don't think I could tell the difference... maybe in human faces, but that's about it. I know I'm going to buy a Blu-Ray of Finding Dory just to watch the commentary with the animators groaning about making 75 different types of water or how difficult it was to randomly generate the right amount of corrosion onto surfaces.



Toldja I'd be reviewing movies with sharks in them! Razz

Dory's tale overlaps Nemo's but I wouldn't say the movies are identical bookends. This sequel has a real maturity to it. Finding Dory has the viewer experience her handicap through first-person immersion, a panic attack sequence, minor and major responses from others, and an alone-and-isolated sequence that borderlines on uncomfortable and disturbing, perhaps a little too much for younger kids.

Finding Dory is a movie you'll want to see in the theaters and then purchase a hard copy of. I don't think kids will like it as much as Finding Nemo, but adults will find Dory a more satisfying film.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Furious,
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Smartest woman in the world.
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Picture of Jocelyn
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Fury, I'm worried that this movie might be too scary for my small scaredy-cat, who buries her face in my chest over "Tinkerbell" movies.

It sounds like there aren't a lot of very scary scenes in this. What is the scariest? Did it ever make you jump?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parenthetical enthusiast.
 
Posts: 8092 | Location: On the 34th Floor | Registered: November 04, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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quote:
Originally posted by Jocelyn:
Fury, I'm worried that this movie might be too scary for my small scaredy-cat, who buries her face in my chest over "Tinkerbell" movies.

It sounds like there aren't a lot of very scary scenes in this. What is the scariest? Did it ever make you jump?


It's not a boo-scary movie at all. The monster squid chase scene only lasts a minute and really doesn't need to be in the film at all.

What I think kiddies might find disturbing is the scene where after Dory escapes the wildlife center/animal shelter. She starts getting confused and gets snubbed by other mean fish and then she's completely lost and alone. There's no background music, and soon the plants and sea floor itself disappear into a dark ocean blur, mirroring Dory's physical and mental states. Slowly, she thinks her way out of the situation, and your eyes will tear up with what happens next, but this scene is very powerful, and I think a little unsettling.

You'll see the scene coming as it starts to build. I'd distract the future President with a hand squeeze or offer of KRINKLE KRINKLE MOVIE CANDY KRINKLE to pull her out of the movie for a few seconds. Smile
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Smartest woman in the world.
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Picture of Jocelyn
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Millie did get scared (she cried when Dory was in the truck! Awww!), but overall it seemed like she really liked the movie. Smile

She totally loved the popcorn!

I cried when she found her parents. Shhh!  


Thank you for the review, Fury! Smile YAY MOVIES!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parenthetical enthusiast.
 
Posts: 8092 | Location: On the 34th Floor | Registered: November 04, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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I cried when I saw the line of shells! Hell, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Mostly because I sat there next to my man-child and thought, Yes, I do want you to venture out into the big wide world, but... there'll be a line of shells for you to follow home, if you like.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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If Millie was scared of the truck chase scene, NEVER take her on the 35/494/100 pooptactular highways around the twin cities. It's bad enough normally, but now you have BLM protests and Pokemon GO addicts making things worse.

(yes I just associated BLM protestors with Pokemon GO players -- they both get in my way and don't amount to anything... maybe if the Pokemon GOers flashmobbed the BLM protests... hrm...)

More reviews coming. I have more ambition than time at the moment. Razz
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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It's not streaming, so I chucked that not-animated version of Cinderella on my queue and I watched it last night. It was all kinds of meh. It was very pretty to look at. There were a few people who weren't pasty vampire white with gleaming perfect teeth, but they were few and far between and almost all of them were servants. The actors all tried to chew some scenery, but none of them managed a good chomp. Maybe it was the direction? It didn't seem to have much. Maybe it was the script? It lacked heart. And magic, despite the fact that the movie tried desperately to make us believe in it. Helena Bonham Carter just seemed bored and she got most of the clever lines.

The clothes were pretty! um. yeah.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
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Knows what a real civil war should be
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Picture of Furious
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*facepalm*

I just spent the last 90 minutes writing a review on The Secret Life of Pets and I lost it! I gotta start writing these things in Word and pasting them over!


Don't stare at the idiot. Don't stare at the idiot...

ARRGH!

The Secret Life of Pets
Rating of Fury: C+


IN SHORT, it's not the movie that's advertised in the trailer. Yes, there's lots Minions-style comedy in the film, but the plot is awful. There's a edginess and darkness in the film that doesn't need to be there and it ruins the funny stuff.

I DID go into meticulous detail about the edginess, but Mr. Fat Fingers accidentally deleted the rant and doesn't feel the need to do it again. Mad

This flick's a renter. There's on-screen death, violence, and unfortunately-timed domestic terrorism in the plot, none of which needed to be presented that harshly (or at all) to move the film forward. It's a shame, because there's some scenes that are pretty funny. The main character Max is also a little too flawed to be truly likeable.

This film will not be going in my Blu-Ray collection. Kids (source: the parent/kids reactions and non-reactions in the theatre) don't seem to have a problem with the dark stuff but I wouldn't feel comfortable showing the animation to little ones. :/
 
Posts: 32868 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Weirdy American Tart Thing
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Picture of Maeve
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Good to know. That was one that we wanted to see but missed because of other things going on.

We did get to see Ghostbusters. It was fun. Was it fantastically fun? Nah. All actors seemed to be having a blast with their characters, the only one who seemed to not really have any idea what to do with his character was Hemsworth. He really does seem to have given in to the whole "I'm Pretty So I Can Do Whatever" school of acting. He did get into it there at the end though.



Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25366 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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