...but in a world where the flying skateboard is most commonly used as a getaway vehicle, you are constantly being stopped and searched.

i can read your mind.

Thing is, it's written in phonetic Finnish. Shame.

I can make people ten times more intelligent by touching them lightly.

but due to your pathological fear of germs you can't touch anyone.

i can control the weather.

Yes, you can control the weather: ON or OFF

Don't ever turn the weather OFF. Please.


I can turn anything into chocolate, except myself.

Unfortunately, you're actually turning it into the raw chocolate liquor that shows up earlier in the chocolate production process. The additional sugar, cocoa butter, vanilla, emulsifiers, etc. that are in chocolate as you are used to it are not present, and a result your creation tastes very bitter to you unless all those other ingredients.

I am invincible!

Yes, but while tangling with a horde of OTHER invincibles, you are all perma-deadlocked in a state of stasis.


I mirror vibes and intentions a moment before they are directed at me.

Your significant other shares this ability, so any time one of you has a vibe or intention with respect to the other you get into this massive feedback loop. When you get frisky, the sheer overload of lust that builds up turns your brains into mush, so you're both on heavy doses of lithium.

You can influence the thoughts, feelings and actions of any boss you'll ever have.

but only negatively. they have all hated you and you haven't kept any job for more than 3 days.

i can herd cats.

... but only hungry cats. The herd ends up hunting you for food.

I can turn dogs into cats.

You're allergic to cat hair.


I can "Fonzie" anything: Hit it to make it work, or work to my advantage.

But you've lost your arms in a hitting frenzy on a combine harvester.

I can launder, um, dirty laundry using a point of my finger and whistling a secret tune.

But only when someone is wearing the befouled laundry, and it is quite painful to them, despite the wrinkle-free spring freshness.

I can smoosh coal into diamonds!

With your BUTT.
~ouch

I can read my wife's mind.

It's spelled out in Zapf Dingbats.

I can see everything that's ever happened, up to the present moment, by focusing on a time and place. (Oh, and JFK? That was totally the mob.)

Yet you have no concept of the future. None. No one likes you when it's your turn to drive in the carpool.



I can shoot big loads of sticky goo onto stuff and swing from it like a spider!

Yes, but nobody is interested in your outrageous sexcapades. Do not pass 'Go'.


I eat bad stuff and turn it into good stuff.

Manure is good stuff, especially if you want to grow plants. One hell of a superpower you've got there, mate!

I can manipulate anyone's right arm and hand anywhere in the world with my thoughts.

but you can only manipulate far enough to force the other person to pinch the bottom nearest to them, landing them in a ceertain amount of trouble. when you realise this, you decide you are a superHERO not suerVILLAIN and stop doing it immediately.

i can convert spent nuclear reactor fuel into something non-dangerous and useful, simply by blinking.

The non-dangerous and useful item is clean water, of course, your blinking also turns all the water around you into spent nuclear reactor fuel, SO DON'T BLINK OR WE ALL DIE!


With my mighty hammer that no one else can lift, I can create lightning and storms and wooshy wind and stuff!

You have a really bad hernia.

When I get melancholy, I turn into a purple, muscle-bound giant with compromised grammar.