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Have you ever been cheated on?
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Pirate/Zombie/Hero
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Picture of Jena
posted
I'm putting this here rather than Flame Wars because I am specifically NOT asking for details (don't need to know!), so we should be fine. Nor am I interested in debating the semantics of what, exactly, constitutes cheating. I'm trying to get an idea of how prevalent cheating really is (or isn't) and I'm starting with polling the message boards I'm on.

Question:
So, by YOUR definition, whatever that is, have you been cheated on?

Choices:
Yes
No
I think so, unsure, maybe?
MEAT (Yes)
MEAT (No)

 


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I can answer a confident no. But if you're looking just for anecdotal evidence, at least two marriages among friends of mine ended amid cheating, and my wife has an uncle who cheated and they're trying (and it seems so far like failing) to work things out.


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Posts: 1769 | Location: Everywhere you wanna be. Like Visa. Or is that American Express? | Registered: February 23, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Pirate/Zombie/Hero
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The problem with anecdotal evidence here is getting a balanced view: we all hear about the bad relationships and things like cheating, but I think that slants our view. Sure, I know friends who have been cheated on. But how many have never had that happen? Which one is the minority?

So you'd have to include all the relationships where you know for sure people haven't cheated and that gets a lot more difficult. Razz


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Pirate/Zombie/Hero
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Also, it's an ANONYMOUS poll, folks. Unlike facebook, it does not tell me who gives which answer. *shakes fist at the people who viewed but didn't take the poll*


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by Jena:
you'd have to include all the relationships where you know for sure people haven't cheated and that gets a lot more difficult.


Yeah, that's just my own relationship.


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Posts: 1769 | Location: Everywhere you wanna be. Like Visa. Or is that American Express? | Registered: February 23, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Weirdy American Tart Thing
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I can't answer it without explaining it because it's 'almost'.

I don't believe he ever had sex with her, in fact I believe the only physical contact was a kiss and it's possible that they never even did that because I interrupted it.

But he did go out of his way to spend more time with her and less time with me. To me, at the time, it counted as cheating.

So it's not a simple answer, I suppose it falls under maybe?


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The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
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Here's the bigger question: Does the act hurt you more or does the going-behind-you-back-and-lying-about-it? To me the former hurts but the latter, ooo, that's a cold burn that stays with you.
 
Posts: 32901 | Location: smooshy mashed pertato mountian | Registered: June 25, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Emotional cheating counts, imo. (This is why I didn't want to debate semantics Razz) If you feel like you were cheated on, regardless of if sex happened, then that's what matters. So Maeve, I'd see that as a "Yes" as long as you feel it's a "yes".


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Had a girlfriend who cheated on me three times.


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Pirate/Zombie/Hero
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quote:
Originally posted by Furious:
Here's the bigger question: Does the act hurt you more or does the going-behind-you-back-and-lying-about-it? To me the former hurts but the latter, ooo, that's a cold burn that stays with you.


See, one of places that I also want to bring up this subject is a polyamorous message board I'm on. In most poly, having sex with a another person is decidedly NOT cheating as long as you're open and communicate about it. It's the lying and sneaking that makes it cheating. So I'm curious which board has a greater incidence of cheating! (I'm gonna have to post this on a third message board just to get a control group- I have a feeling the caliber of people on this one is going to skew my results!)


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I wonder if it would be a better statistical sample to ask if any of us have (by our own standards) cheated on someone? Because each of us is only one person, but we can date (or have dated) any number of people.

Of course, I think most people's self-preservation instinct might kind of scab over their own past bad behavior. Or you'd get skewed results because "well, not by my standards, by my s/o would have thought so" and so on.

It's a hard thing to get samples on, I guess.

(Anyway, my answer is no, but it's a narrow miss. I dated a guy who was cheating on someone else with me. I had no idea about that of course, or I never would have gone out with him in the first place. But since I never did anything more than kiss the dude, I don't feel like I was cheated on. If I was his girlfriend, I would have felt cheated on, though. Weird how that works.)


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But regardless of whether we're talking about if one has cheated or been cheated on, the number of opportunities remains the number of relationships we've had, so I'm not sure it matters which way we ask the question. Perhaps, though, we'd get a better idea of how prevalent cheating really is if we asked "Have you cheated OR been cheated on?" That way a "yes" answer isn't necessarily an indication of personal bad behavior.

It would certainly change my answer. I've never had to deal with being cheated on, but I know an ex would say that I cheated on him because I started dating Matrix before I was able to break of my LDR with him.

...This is very complicated topic! Razz

(also, I'm kind of sorry for using y'all as my guinea pics/sounding board but not really cause you RAWK! Razz)


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I'm still not sure what the whole MEAT thing means exactly (I'm assuming we're not talking about stopping ourselves from being carnivores)...my vote is based on not knowing what that was


also, yes, 100% of the girls i've dated since my first girlfriend almost 20 years ago have cheated on me



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quote:
Originally posted by Jena:


(also, I'm kind of sorry for using y'all as my guinea pics/sounding board but not really cause you RAWK! Razz)


This makes me feel used. USED!

The irony has not gone unnoticed. Razz
 
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sorry, scott, the "MEAT" thing is an in-joke among some posters. They won't answer a poll unless there's a "MEAT" option, so in order to still get semi-accurate results I made a meat-yes and a meat-no option. Though I may be asking the wrong question anyway!


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Posts: 5271 | Location: Sacramento, CA, US | Registered: August 17, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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hey i know you said no details, but something like this makes people remember immediately if it ever happened to them. i was engaged, and my ex got drunk with coworkers and had a threesome, and i found out about it at a starbucks getting my morning coffee on the way to work. worst feeling ever, and i've broken my knee
 
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yes. very defiinitely. however, out of the two serious relationships i've ever had, one of them contained cheating and one of them, so far as i know, did not. the one which did not, i should note, is one that left me a Dead Space Widow...


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Weirdy American Tart Thing
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quote:
Originally posted by Jena:
quote:
Originally posted by Furious:
Here's the bigger question: Does the act hurt you more or does the going-behind-you-back-and-lying-about-it? To me the former hurts but the latter, ooo, that's a cold burn that stays with you.


See, one of places that I also want to bring up this subject is a polyamorous message board I'm on. In most poly, having sex with a another person is decidedly NOT cheating as long as you're open and communicate about it. It's the lying and sneaking that makes it cheating. So I'm curious which board has a greater incidence of cheating! (I'm gonna have to post this on a third message board just to get a control group- I have a feeling the caliber of people on this one is going to skew my results!)


In my situation the fact that I almost caught them kissing didn't bother me as much as knowing that he was purposely getting up early so that he would have an excuse to drive her to work. And telling me that he was working late when in fact he was just staying around so that he'd be there when she had a supper break.

It was after we all had a big fight and a big discussion that I came to the conclusion that I don't really care if my partner is with someone else as long as I get equal time.


Minister of Kraftwerk in the Realm of U & P, Order of the Pineapple with frond for advancement in Nap studies.


The brain: not always amenable to logic. ~Hive

 
Posts: 25427 | Location: under tangled yarn | Registered: August 09, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Butbutbut Jena! The semantics are the *interesting* bit!
As to the answer to your question: i really have no way of knowing. And it seems somehow extremely uncharitable and cynical to answer "almost certainly" when i really don't have a concrete reason to think so.

quote:
Originally posted by Jocelyn:
I wonder if it would be a better statistical sample to ask if any of us have (by our own standards) cheated on someone? Because each of us is only one person, but we can date (or have dated) any number of people.

Of course, I think most people's self-preservation instinct might kind of scab over their own past bad behavior. Or you'd get skewed results because "well, not by my standards, by my s/o would have thought so" and so on.

It's a hard thing to get samples on, I guess.

<snip>


I really don't see why. As long as your answer with your name attached to it can be googled by a future employer, or your ex, I see your point. But in an anonymous poll I don't see why you shouldn't be able to get honest answers. Why lie? I suspect people are stricter on themselves then they are of others, and so it's even thinkable that the reverse would happen and people would answer "yes" while by any objective standard the answer would have to be "not really".

I do agree with you that "have you been cheated on" seems more contentious than "have you, yourself, by your own standards cheated on someone else". (See my answer to the original question.)

The topic, as far as I'm concerned, is not so much complicated as highly subjective. In a consensual poly relationship you might (depending on the agreement the couple have) not consider "having sex with someone else" cheating. Whereas if my current beau were to have sex with someone else i most certainly would consider that cheating.

Which, to my mind, is very interesting: because it does go toward our biases. In our society monogamous (not to mention heterosexual!) relationships are tacitly (and wrongly) considered to be the norm.
We have this idea of what a relationship should look like. But we never actually seem to discuss what this idea is, or whether our partners have the same idea.
We assume our partners do, because society expects a relationship to be in a certain format. Whereas anyone, i think, who has ever spoken to human beings knows, or should know, that no-one fits exactly into that format.

The amount of (societal) norms are tacitly considered to be a part of a particular relationship really is staggering when you think of it. From the ever-present tacit demand you remain monogamous, despite not being able to define what that even *is* to what your sex-life should look like, to whom you're supposed to have met and what your responsibilities are supposed to be.
(My previous relationship buckled under them, heck *i* nearly buckled under them.)

So the topic of "cheating" covers a huge amount of ground. Were Pirateboy to kiss another girl i'd want to know why. I couldn't even tell you right now whether i'd consider that cheating.

For instance. In my previous relationship (warning: anecdote)
We were both at a party, and a guy (a friend of a friend, i knew him vaguely) got drunk and annoying and started bragging about what a truly incredible kisser he was. It was funny and awkward and then, after a while, just boring and obnoxious. So I turned to him and publicly kissed the dude. And not on the cheek either. I then gently pushed him away from me, looked up, and said: "well, you're not all *that*."
He was a great sport about it, laughed with everyone, decided to go home and we remained good friends.
More importantly my boyfriend (we'd been together a couple of years by then: he knows i'm stark raving bonkers) thought it was an awesome stunt to pull. " You really had him there!" he said, laughing. (Which should at least teach people not to mess with me. Wink )

That, by any other name, is still "kissing another man". Neither of us ever considered that cheating.
</anecdote>

So, to my mind, "cheating" is something bound up not only in how you subjectively feel about another person's actions. It's also bound up in societal norms about monogamy and what that means, which dictates to us how we *should* feel about that person's actions.

Eta: and my apologies: despite my best efforts i managed to post a wall o' text and make it total garble at the same time. I'll give it some more thought.
Jena? You don't mind if i get into the semantics even though you kind of asked us not to?


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