quote:

Originally posted by Ava:

quote:

Originally posted by ladykatza:
What, the real thing wasn't good enough?

um - uh *blush*

  The real thing was better

Oh...my... *is slightly envious. and MORE than slightly curious! *

*waits for reviews*

Teeth (2007, Region 1 DVD)
94 minutes, Rated R/unrated for nudity, sexual violence, and mangled manhoods
Rating of Fury: B
Tongster Factor: 3 (but most of it is NOT of the female persuasion )


She could be, like, brushing her teef.

One day, writer/ director/ producer/ unstable individual Mitchell Lichtenstein was surfing the Internet and came across the term vagina dentata. After realizing he could use the phrase to sing a perverted version of The Lion King’s Hakuna Matata, he decided to make a film about it. That film is Teeth. While the subject matter and sexual gore greatly limits the potential audience, the movie has an intelligent streak in it and is pretty entertaining.



Playing doctor has never been so dangerous.

Poor Dawn! Her boyfriend, her stepbrother, her doctor, and all the boys in school want to boink her and she’s saving herself for marriage! But dawn has a secret weapon: TEEF! Canines in her qoo! Fangs in her furburger! Orthodontia in her orifice! She can chew men up and spit ‘em out!

As Dawn sexually matures and realizes that she’s different from other girls (and the only teen in her town buying into the Just Say No approach to sex), her peers rape and molest her into using her hidden talent, with this being the inevitable result:


The crunching-into-a-celery-stalk sound effect is what makes this scene.

Besides the direct sexual visuals, not-so subliminal imagery is sprinkled throughout Teeth: angled bicycle handles, crab pincers, cave mouths with stalactites, unicorns, shapes in trees…just obvious enough to make you snicker. There’s nothing arousing about the nudity (1) because it’s submersed in violence or gore and (2) most of these scenes involve a man’s ass. Not what I want to see. Ever.



Smoke? Out of steam-based cooling towers?

Other than the fact that Lichtenstein doesn’t know how a nuclear power plant operates (I do. Worked in one. ), his film’s immersive enough to keep you interested the whole way through, even though you can sometimes predict what’s going to happen. It’s also funny, in a severed squirting penis kind of way. However Teeth isn’t scary, so it’s not even close to an A rating.



Puppy’s having a wee snack!

You’d think with all the crotch-destroying in Teeth I’d be crossing my legs and wincing. Actually what made me cringe was the superfluous amount of man-ass in the movie. Ugh. If you’re a fan of small-budget shockers like Ginger Snaps and can handle the gore, I’m certain you’ll sink your teeth into Teeth.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Furious,

quote:

Other than the fact that Lichtenstein doesn’t know how a nuclear power plant operates (I do. Worked in one. )

Does anyone else find the prospect of Furious working in a nuclear power plant, um, frightening?.

Extremely frightening.

yes, and your avatar perfectly reflects the dominant sentiment here.

and yay for man assery! *happy dance*

I think I need to actually review Mulberry Street...I was having a hard time finding pictures!

damn you, Furi! I had to stop reading because I am in too much danger of giggling at work!

I can't edit my photos right now, so please to forgive. if they're a mess, I'll try to fix it laters. also, I'm trying to follow the Furious one's format, so if it's annoyingly rip-off-y, well, smack me around a bit or sumfink.

Mulberry Street
Rating of Apathy: B++
Tongster Factor: 2.5 (there was hanky and panky, but no nudity)

Behold! A rodent's tail! The horror, the horror...

Who hates and is at least a little afraid of rats? Everybody! Or at least the sane everybodies. This movie was therefore inevitable, as the only thing yickier than a rat is a really big rat, as proven by The Princess Bride's ROUSes. The premise of the movie (if you haven't already figured it out): Humans are transformed into ROUSes.


Ick! I gross myself out, for I am a rat!

Now, everybody think. What do rats eat? If you know, tell me, because I don't know what they'd eat if they had their ratty druthers. But rotting flesh? Or just flesh—living, breathing, raw flesh? On the menu.


I eats you out...nomnomnom.

We direct your attention to the scrappy people about to get thrown out of their building (who are, remarkably, both well-written and well-acted characters). What does their impending homelessness have to do with anything? The movie never bothers to spell it out. Seems like an abandoned plot point, except...maybe the evil people throwing them out of their homes are the ones sending the crazy people-infecting rodentia? Or maybe they are to be compared/contrasted with the crazy people-infecting rodentia? Who knows! It's unimportant. What's important is that they're not gonna be living in that building come tomorrow morning.


Looks like I remembered to pack everything I left under the dresser. Wait, was that a rat?

So our feisty retired boxer of a leading man (cute!) fights rats. The Polish former beauty queen—she's described that way by the following character, so don't give me a hard time about that one—and the tall and lanky gay black man both have a crush on him. Our leading man is either a) very confused and shy, b) asexual, or c) in denial. I dunno. His relationship with the tall and lanky gay black man was at least a close friendship (if not a repressed love affair) on his side, and watching them interact was bittersweet. But, most significantly, he fights off the rats!


No way I'll be infected. I mean, boxers never get cuts, right? Right!

The ending was...not quite as straight-forward as you'd think. Very appropriate, though, and everything is fitting enough that I kinda felt like I should've expected it. But I won't spoil it for you. This movie is definitely worth checking out. I'd give it an A, but it wasn't scary long-term—I have had no lingering heeby-jeebies. B++ will have to do.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: McApathy,

OK I am not a horror movie person - but I may just see Teeth.

Horrorfest List

Borderland - FatOigeon D- (I like traffic lights!)

Crazy Eights - FuriBunneh - F (Absolut FAIL)

The Deaths of Ian Stone - Domitella - D+

Lake Dead

Mulberry Street - Apathy - B++

Nightmare Man

Tooth and Nail

Unearthed

The Abandoned - Apathy - D

Dark Ride

The Gravedancers - Furious - D

The Hamiltons - The Wanderer - C/C+

Penny Dreadful

Reincarnation

Unrest

Wicked Little Things

Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror - FatOigeon - 3.5 monkeys in a barrel (out of 5)

The Tripper - Dweller


All righty...what's next?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Furious,

quote:

Originally posted by Apathy:


I eats you out...nomnomnom.

Heh.

Boringland
Way the hell too many minutes, rated w for who the fuck cares?

Rating: D-. Or to use my old rating system: I like traffic lights.

There are a few reasons why this movie doesn't rate an F for FUCK! THIS FUCKING MOVIE IS FUCKING BORING!

One: The acting is actually pretty good, especially that of Sean Astin, Who is not being cute and talking about potatos in this one.

Two: Eye candy. There are some very, very good looking people in this one, some tattooed male nudity, and Elizabeth Cervantes in something white, sheer, and apparently too thin for the weather (I'm not gonna bother with the correct umlauts or hosting the picture. Fuck you. This movie isn't worth the effort. I might not even be spelling the name correctly (oh, and that is not from the movie, just a random picture)).

Not enough for a high Tongster rating, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Three: The opening scene. Good, fucking, god. That may be the most annoying thing about this movie. The opening scene had just the correct amounts of disturbing, gory, and human. The rest of the movie had a distinct overabundance of WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME!

You know that scene from "The lion King" where Scar drops Mufasa over the cliff? Yeah, that was scarier then this entire movie. Fuck, the scene where he's singing to the fucking hyenas was scarier then this entire movie. The fucking scene where Simba eats a fucking grub was scarier than this movie.

It starts out with the aforementioned awesome scene where a living, conscious mexican cop is dismembered and killed in front of his bound and semi-concussed partner.

It continues to show three high-school graduates about to go to their separate colleges schmucking it up in Mexico.

For just under an hour.

When you've done your homework, realized that you have no obligations left other then reviewing this fucking thing and procrastinated for a while yet, you continue watching and see one of them get kidnapped. the others spend another half hour realizing he was kidnapped and looking for him with the help of a local hot tamale.

They meet the surviving cop from the opening scene, who is no longer an active policeman and is basically obsessed with gathering evidence on the cult that killed his partner, which the Mexican police are scared of/ bribed by, make plans to contact the FBI with the evidence and free their friend while the red tape is being processed.

One of them gets killed, predictably, in the only other scene with any balls besides the opening one, they assault the ranch where the cult does it's culting, find out they were too late to save their friend, who is now soup, and escape, not before the cop gets mortally injured.

You'd think they could make an assault on a ranch full of armed serial killers mildly interesting, and perhaps a little tense, wouldn't you? Well, yes. They could.

They just didn't.

final gunfight in some poor schmuck's home, Sean Astin gets killed, no more reason to watch this thing, the end. Roll Credits.

Alright, I watched it last night. I'm NOT reviewing it here. Once my lazy ass writes the review, i'll link to a new thread in flame wars.

It doesn't sound like there's too much horror in Borderland, but a lot of horrible. Sorry, Gal.

quote:

Originally posted by ladykatza:
Alright, I watched it last night. I'm NOT reviewing it here. Once my lazy ass writes the review, i'll link to a new thread in flame wars.

Heh.

looking forward to that...

Wasn't sure whether to put this in trawling for videos or not.
This is a review for Stone Cold a movie that I'm ashamed to say I've never seen. At the very least watch the last twenty seconds of the video clip on the second page to see why this must be the greatest movie EVER.

He hit the... with the... wow.

Granted that happened in the new Die Hard, too.

anybody else notice how the helicopter explodes before the bike hits it?

Anyway, I'm rather ashamed to say this, but I have seen this movie... several times... and yesterday I was actually thinking about it, trying to remember what it was called.

I must see it. Eventually.