Okay, I'm entering the comic book challenge, some of you know a bit about my story, others don't. Here is the pitch I plan on submitting in a few days, but I really, really, really need help on the grammar. I suck at grammar. Please read it and tell me if anything is grammatically wrong. also let me know if it sounds stupid. if i should reword it. etc. I have one sentence i am not sure about, I'll explain after post.

quote:

The Concept:

Grigoriy's life takes a turn for the worse when he is mistaken for one of the MONSTERS who attacked the US on September 11th.

Overview:

OGRE is told in a stream of consciousness style narrative as Grigoriy sits in a bar, drinks to much and ponders his life. His thoughts bounce from his childhood to his modern life, every memory making him more and more depressed. Grigoriy is singled out in the bar as a monster and must decide if indulging in the fight is worth it. In the end Grigoriy has no choice and is pulled into the small riot.

Synopsis:

On their wedding night, nearly 15 years ago, Grigoriy and his wife Dikranouhi fled their homeland so they could raise children in a world without racial persecution. The young couple found a place to live in Portland, OR., in the United States of America, a nation mostly populated by humans which boasts of its open arms towards immigrants. Throughout history there has been too much violence between the different species of the world and historical conflicts reinvent themselves over again. On September 11th, 2001, the nation was attacked by a group of MONSTERS who resent the human way of life. The lives of Grigoriy and his family have become frustrating in the wake of this horrible act.
Grigoriy sits and thinks about the life he has built from scratch. His mind wanders through his current place in the world and the life he knew as a child. His memories become darker with each passing thought, starting with the day he and Dikranouhi fled their home. Grigoriy compares the lives his children have had in this new world with his impoverished one and wonders if the world of comfort has corrupted them.
As his self pity reaches new lows, and the number of beer bottles on his table reaches scary heights, a fellow patron picks a fight by insisting that Grigoriy is connected to the troll extremists who recently attacked the United States. Grigoriy is arrested and blamed for the fight, his punishment is light but he is forever marked as a monster in the eyes of the law.

Extensions:

Although Ogre is a self contained One Shot, Grigoriy and his family have many other stories to tell. Seda is required to study the Ogre Genocide of 1915 in her history class and as she learns about her peoples violent history she finds evidence of a modern day genocide. Vartouhi struggles to fit into a world of humans at a young age and has to decide between embracing her heritage and ignoring it. Dikranouhi tries to keep her household from falling apart with a rebelling teenager, a child with emerging mental disorders and a husband who is in and out of jail.

Marketing:

Ogre follows the tradition of Art Spiegelman's anthropomorphic classic Maus and Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis which resonate with those who have been the target of racial and spiritual persecution. Renzo Podesta's unique art will attract the more subversive comic readers. Due to the serious subject matter and some foul language Ogre is suggested for mature readers.

Creators:

Written and lettered by Robert Tidwell
Penciled, inked, and colored by Renzo Podesta***list of all his published works from around the world.***

okay, bolded section. Should that be

"As his self pity reaches new lows, and the number of beer bottles on his table reach scary heights,"

I can't remember. gah. I need your help!!

I don't have a lot of time to look at it closely at the moment, so this will just be a few random things:

- "G. sits in a bar, drinks too much" (two Os)
- "to his modern life": "to his adult life"? Or do you mean sth else?
- "Grigoriy is singled out in the bar as monster": this only became clear to me when I read the end. Maybe "G. is associated with the monsters during a fight in a bar"?
- "which boasts of its open arms towards immigrants": "which claims to be friendly towards immigrants"? (I wasn't sure whether they really are happy to take them in.)
- "historical conflicts reinvent themselves": "historical conflicts are rekindled? re-enacted?"
"the life he has built from scratch": I would leave away "from scratch"; maybe replace with "in the new country"?
- "his mind wanders through": maybe just "he ponders"? or "contemplates"?
- "as his self-pity reaches new lows": wouldn't that rather be "new heights" as well? (I'm really not sure.)
- "the number of beer bottles..." - I would say "reaches scary heights".
"she learns about her people's violent history,"
- "D. tries to keep her household from falling apart": I'd put "from falling apart" at the very end of the sentence (after the teenager & husband)

These are just a few suggestions, maybe others have better ideas. You don't really know me, so if you'd rather I kept out of it that's really fine as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the competition in any case.

"Reaches"

And I think you need a clearer message.

Right now it's "this dude is sitting in a bar feeling sorry for himself and then he gets victimised yes again to get across the author's message about how terribly we treat our immigrants". Or something.

I think there's promise in the story and the drawings are simply awesome.

But you need to present it better.

The Overview alone needs to pull at the heartstrings. What are we supposed to be interested in? What's the message? Certainly not a drunk depressed bum who passively gets pulled into a fight and "has no other choice".

From what you've told me, I would suggest you stress that as the unpleasant Grigoryi tells his story, the reader gets to discover the things he *doesn't* tell and gradually comes to see the desperate plight that has made him into who he is. But then a group of (whoever) enters the bar and everything goes down the drain. Or something.

What would make it even more tragic if you could make Grigoryi come to some kind of realisation - if you could make his character grow. That would make it a tragedy to us when, just as he has figured out something that helps him, he suddenly has no choice but to embroil himself in a fight that will destroy his existence - even though he knows it.

That would be a storylie that would sound gripping to me. I'm not saying it's what you ought to do, but I do think Grigoryi is too much of a drunken bore to interest people, the way he is described now. There's not enough for us to identify and to grip us. Try and get something into it that does, some clear message.

thanks for the help, I'll be working on this pitch over the next few days and when I finally submit I'll show you what i went with and you can let me know if you think its better or worse or what.

quote:

Originally posted by Babylon the Bride:
"Reaches"

And I think you need a clearer message.

Right now it's "this dude is sitting in a bar feeling sorry for himself and then he gets victimised yes again to get across the author's message about how terribly we treat our immigrants". Or something.

I think there's promise in the story and the drawings are simply awesome.

But you need to present it better.

The Overview alone needs to pull at the heartstrings. What are we supposed to be interested in? What's the message? Certainly not a drunk depressed bum who passively gets pulled into a fight and "has no other choice".

From what you've told me, I would suggest you stress that as the unpleasant Grigoryi tells his story, the reader gets to discover the things he *doesn't* tell and gradually comes to see the desperate plight that has made him into who he is. But then a group of (whoever) enters the bar and everything goes down the drain. Or something.

What would make it even more tragic if you could make Grigoryi come to some kind of realisation - if you could make his character grow. That would make it a tragedy to us when, just as he has figured out something that helps him, he suddenly has no choice but to embroil himself in a fight that will destroy his existence - even though he knows it.

That would be a storylie that would sound gripping to me. I'm not saying it's what you ought to do, but I do think Grigoryi is too much of a drunken bore to interest people, the way he is described now. There's not enough for us to identify and to grip us. Try and get something into it that does, some clear message.

I'm going to work on these, I don't know how to make him grow. It isn't a long enough story to have him change his ways too much.

What I wanted to do was show someone who isn't all that great of a person and then backtrack so we can learn how he became who he is and then watch that person who we at first didn't think was much fail and remind us of who we saw him as.

It's also a story about my best friends dad who was driving in his car one day and someone spit at him, my friends dad got out of car, beat guy up really bad said, 'I'm gonna kill you!" and then got arrested. They didn't want him locked up for attempted manslaughter so he got "terroristic threats" and now his record shows that he IS a terrorist.

The story was meant to kind of be about learning to pick your battles, but I don't know how to express that with out telling the story.

should i just come right out and say

Ogre=Middle easterner who is not muslim, such as armenians, who have been the victims of abuse by neighboring nations populated by fundamentalist muslim extremists.

Troll= fundamentalist muslim extremist

Monster= terrorist.

this is what i have now:



The Concept: Grigoriy's life takes a turn for the worse when he is mistaken for one of the Trolls who attacked the US on September 11th.

Overview: OGRE is told in a stream of consciousness style narrative as Grigoriy sits in a bar, drinks too much and ponders his life. His thoughts bounce from his childhood to his adult life. When testosterone pumped youths come into the bar bathed with patriotism and bigotry they look for a scapegoat. The humans, who are gathered in memorial for those that died in the attacks on 9/11, spot Grigoriy sitting at the bar and take their anger out on him. Grigoriy gets into a fist fight with the leader of the small riot, the bar keeper calls the police and Grigoriy is blamed for the fight. The police charge him with "Monstrous threats" and as he sits in his jail cell Grigoriy realizes that confrontation can lead to self decimation. The progression of the story follows follows the life history of a man who hasn't been given much and tries to hold onto every bit of it but loses his dignity in the process.

Synopsis: On their wedding night, nearly 15 years ago, Grigoriy and his wife Dikranouhi fled their homeland so they could raise children in a world without racial persecution. They left behind their extended family knowing that Ogres were not safe to live in a country controlled by Trolls. The young couple found a place to live in Portland, OR., in the United States of America, a nation mostly populated by humans which boasts of its open arms towards immigrants.
Historical conflicts reinvent themselves on September 11th, 2001, when the nation was attacked by a group of MONSTERS who resent the human way of life. The lives of Grigoriy and his family have become frustrating in the wake of this horrible act.
Grigoriy sits and thinks about the life he has built from nearly nothing in this new land and the life he knew as a child. Grigoriy compares the lives his children have had in this new world with his impoverished one and wonders if the world of comfort has corrupted them.
As his self esteem reaches new lows, and the number of beer bottles on his table reach scary heights, a fellow patron picks a fight by insisting that Grigoriy is connected to the troll extremists who recently attacked the United States. Grigoriy is arrested and blamed for the fight, his punishment is light but from now on his permanent record shows that he is a known monster.
The story ends with Grigoriy in a small jail cell as he comes to the revelation that using violence to try and change peoples minds is about as effective as using bleach to cure thirst. He sulks in prison and thinks of a way to explain the situation to his family. In the end Grigoriy is left feeling like absolute hell when he realizes that even though he fought to protect everything he had, he lost his dignity.

Extensions: Although Ogre is a self contained One Shot, Grigoriy and his family have many other stories to tell. Seda is required to study the Ogre Genocide of 1915 in her history class and as she learns about her people's violent history she finds evidence of a modern day genocide. Vartouhi struggles to fit into a world of humans at a young age and has to decide between embracing her heritage and ignoring it. Dikranouhi tries to keep her household from falling apart with a rebelling teenager, a child with emerging mental disorders and a husband who is in and out of jail.

Marketing: Ogre follows the tradition of Art Spiegelman's anthropomorphic classic Maus and Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis which resonate with those who have been the target of racial and spiritual persecution. Renzo Podesta's unique art will attract the more subversive comic readers. Due to the serious subject matter and some foul language Ogre is suggested for mature readers.

Creators: Written by Robert Tidwell
Art and Letters by Renzo Podesta. Renzo's art appears in the magazines Caozine from Brazil, Ñe'engatu from Paraguay, Negro from Bolivia, Starscape from UK, Miss Tod from Spain and Albatross and Frameworks from US. Renzo Podesta is one of the founders of Independent Comic-makers Association (Asociación de historietistas independientes), editor of Llantodemudo publishing house and teaches comic narrative and script in several workshops. He published and created the magazines Purgatorio, Entropía and Nos fuimos al carajo; the on-going series Inerte and Krak; the graphic novel (Bang)kok and the monthly anthologies Arriba en llamas and Ignatius tenía razón. Currently working in Sudestada monthly magazine penciling and writing Getulio Cáncer, domador de moscas, working the graphic novel Primavera Necrofílica (written by himself, it will be released this year and published by Llantodemudo) and Jueves (written by Diego Cortés, France) and other projects in the US and UK.