TRUTH IN ADVERTISING


>>Panel 1 - Icingbell, a buxom elf, sits at a desk. She is sitting on the right and facing left. A computer is on her desk. Sven Sever is on the left, standing before the desk. His head is shaved bald. He wears rectangular eye-glasses and is comfortably dressed. Icingbell is speaking.

ICINGBELL: Welcome to Phantast Staffing Services. How may we help you today?


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sven and Icingbell are speaking.

SVEN: I’m looking for work.

ICINGBELL: Have you worked with us before?


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Icingbell is handing a clipboard with attached paperwork to Sven. Sven and Icingbell are speaking.

SVEN: It’s been eight or nine years. My permanent gig fell through, so I’m back.

ICINGBELL: Alright, sir. I’ll need you to fill out an employment history form and then one of our supervisors will speak with you.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sven has the clipboard in his hands. He is looking at it and speaking.

SVEN: 500 dollar computers on every desk, but ink still thrives in the age of electrons.

THE DAMNED DO MORE THAN HAUNT GRAVEYARDS

>>Panel 1 - Keisha Green, a middle-aged businesswoman, is on the left facing right. She is rising from her chair behind her desk and shaking the hand of Sven Sever, who is on the right. There is paperwork and a pencil holder with pencils on Keisha’s desk. Keisha is speaking.

KEISHA: Hello, Mr. Sever. I’m Keisha Green, the office supervisor. You’re seeking work.


>>Panel 2 - Keisha has resumed her seat. Sven has taken a chair on the right. He is speaking.

SVEN: That’s right. Work was steady for almost the past decade, but my show got canceled. So, I’m looking again.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Keisha is looking at the paperwork on her desk. Keisha and Sven are speaking.

KEISHA: It says here you were working for Mutant Enemy on the television show Angel.

SVEN: And before that, Buffy. I was part of the monster crew for the shows.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Keisha is looking at Sven. Keisha and Sven are speaking.

KEISHA: Angel only reached season five, didn’t it?

SVEN: Yeah. That was one demonic apocalypse our favorite vampire couldn’t stop.

ANATOMICALLY EQUIPPED FOR ALL SITUATIONS

>>Panel 1 - Keisha Green is on the left, sitting behind her desk. Sven Sever is on the right. Keisha and Sven are speaking.

KEISHA: So, what did you do for the monster squad on Angel?

SVEN: The usual extra work - wearing monster makeup and losing to the heroes. I was the heavy trauma specialist.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sven has removed his right hand and forearm from the rest of his body and is holding it in his left hand. Keisha and Sven are speaking.

KEISHA: Heavy trauma?

SVEN: Sure. Decapitation, lost limbs, broken bones. My body comes apart without hurting me. See?


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Keisha looks a little sick. Sven has a small smile. Keisha and Sven are speaking.

KEISHA: That’s-

KEISHA: disgusting.

SVEN: Yeah.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Keisha has a calculating expression on her face. Sven has a small smile. Keisha is speaking.

KEISHA: Getting you as a corpse on CSI should be a cinch.

TALES FROM THE AGE OF HAPPY RAPPERS


>>Panel 1 - Keisha Green sits behind her desk on the left. There is paperwork and a pencil holder with pencils on her desk. Sven Sever is sitting on the right. His right hand and forearm are detached from the rest of his body. He is holding them over the desk with his left hand. Sven is speaking.

SVEN: Before Angel, I used my detachable body parts to fill corpse and monster roles in the movies.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sven has dropped his right hand onto the desk. The hand is standing upright on its fingertips. Her eyebrows raised, Keisha is looking at the hand. Sven is speaking.

SVEN: My favorite bit was playing Thing in the Addams Family movies. I even got to work with MC Hammer in the video for Addams Groove.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. The hand has scurried over to the pencil holder and is sniffing it. Sven is smiling at the hand. Keisha is glaring at Sven.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic panel. The hand has scaled the pencil holder and is holding a pencil aloft with its thumb and index finger. Keisha is still glaring at Sven. Sven looks nonplussed back at her. Keisha is speaking.

KEISHA: If we’re going to send you out to interview for assignments in Hollywood, Mr. Sever, I’m going to have to ask you not to associate yourself with anyone with Mr. Hammer’s career trajectory.

GRR. ROAR. MUNCH.


>>Panel 1 - Keisha Green is on the left, sitting behind her desk. Sven Sever is sitting on the right. Keisha is speaking.

KEISHA: Well, since you’ve worked with us before, you have some idea of the assignments our associates receive. Of course, we supply blatantly fantastical characters to television, movies, and other visual story-telling forms.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Keisha is speaking.

KEISHA: Since the last time you were with us, we’ve also expanded into supplying workers to alternate dimensions. Our associates there work as data entry clerks, epic heroes, henchmen - that sort of thing.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Sven is speaking.

SVEN: I heard about that. Phantast hooked up that American not-Godzilla, didn’t you?


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Keisha is speaking.

KEISHA: Over in Valdemar, yeah. Easy to supply a dragon when the natives don’t know what a real one looks like.

REAL MONKEY BOYS ON DISPLAY!


>>Panel 1 - Two people stand before a gray stone wall. The one on the left is a short, wingless gargoyle name Tok. The one on the right is Sven Sever. Both are wearing the uniforms of Anthill guards. Tok and Sven are speaking.

TOK: You’re new. Phantast send you?

SVEN: Yeah.

TOK: Know how to fight?

SVEN: I usually work as a stuntman in Hollywood.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Tok and Sven are speaking.

TOK: You’ll do.

SVEN: What is this job? They said guard duty, but they were a little vague on details.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tok and Sven are speaking.

TOK: The Anthill wouldn’t be a palace without guards.

SVEN: So what exactly do we do?


>>Panel 4 - Camera pulls back, so Sven and Tok are in the middle ground on the left. A family of ant people are in the foreground on the right. The ants are looking at Sven and Tok. One of the adults is taking Tok and Sven’s picture. A child ant is pointing at them. Tok is smiling. Sven looks confused.

TOK: Smile.

CHILD ANT: Oo, look Mommy! That one has pink skin!

ART EXHIBIT OR GRASS


>>Panel 1 - Sven Sever and Tok are in the Anthill breakroom, still wearing guard uniforms. On the gray brick wall is a corkboard with posted notes, including “Timecards must be signed by the end of the week.” and “Queen Aerialsect’s fertility enhancer - 10,000 eggs or your money back.” Tok and Sven are in front of a water cooler. Sven is on the left, drawing a cup of water. Tok is on the right. Sven and Tok are speaking.

SVEN: So, we’re what? An attraction?

TOK: More like a sideshow. ‘Come see Queen Aerialsect’s Anthill, the Royal Jewels, and her Alien Guards.’


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sven is standing upright. Sven and Tok are speaking.

SVEN: Still, the Queen trusts foreigners to guard her?

TOK: Cheaper than the alternative. Council says all ant employees get benefits and vacation time. Off-planet temps don’t.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Sven is drinking his water. Tok is speaking.

TOK: So, Queen Aerilsect hires us as guards and charges admission to view the sights. She makes enough that the council doesn’t have to give her a salary, so they’re willing to ignore the hypocrisy.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sven and Tok are talking.

SVEN: And yet we still work here.

TOK: Easier than landscaping, let me tell you.

TALKING LAWN ART

>>Panel 1 - Tok is on the right, digging a hole in his backyard. Beside him is a low, fat cactus waiting to be planted. Two kids have entered his backyard on the left. The girl is Agali Green, Keisha Green’s daughter. The boy is Sanjay. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: Garden gnome!

TOK: Bug off, kids.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Tok is standing up and leaning on his shovel. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: It talks!

TOK: Also farts, whistles, sings, and goes thunk when I fall down. Here’s me hollering.

TOK: GO AWAY!


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tok has picked up the cactus and is holding it over the hole.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Tok has placed the cactus in the hole and is looking at it in satisfaction. Agali and Sanjay are speaking.

AGALI: A rude garden gnome!

SANJAY: Best kind.

MORE THAN JUST A DECORATIVE BOULDER


>>Panel 1 - Agali is on the right, Tok is in the center, and Sanjay is on the right. Tok is contemplating a big rock in the foreground that is almost as wide as he is tall. Agali and Sanjay are looking at Tok. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: Hi, Mr. Gnome. I’m Agali and he’s Sanjay.

TOK: I’m not a gnome. I’m a gargoyle.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Tok has picked up the rock and is holding it against his belly. Agali is looking over at Sanjay. Sanjay is looking at Tok. Agali, Tok, and Sanjay are speaking.

AGALI: I think that means he turns people to stone.

TOK: No, it means I am stone.

SANJAY: Dad says you can go for jail for that.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Agali and Sanjay are looking at Tok. Tok looks confused.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Tok is glaring at Sanjay and speaking.

TOK: No, urchin. I’m stone, not stoned.

TOK: Although there’s another meaning to that I might try out if you keep bugging me.

LEGAL CONSEQUENCES OF STONE REPRODUCTIONS


>>Panel 1 - Agali and Sanjay are on the right. Tok is on the left, starting to dig a hole. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: Did you just move into the neighborhood, Mr. Gargoyle?

TOK: My name’s Tok and yes, we did. I warned them there would be all sorts of you half-formed critters running around, but nobody listens to me.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sanjay and Tok are speaking.

SANJAY: Where’d you move from?

TOK: A cathedral in Sacramento.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: Do you have any kids?

TOK: No, gargoyles are carved, not born. So, it’s just us 100 some-odd adults.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sanjay looks concerned. Tok has looked up from his digging and is smirking. Sanjay and Tok are speaking.

SANJAY: I think there’s a limit on the number of unrelated people that are allowed to live in a single house.

TOK: Unfortunately for the zoning board, we’re all from the same quarry.

TAKING JOY IN LANDSCAPING


>>Panel 1 - Tok is on the left. He has dug a hole next to a big rock. A cactus is nearby, waiting to be planted. Agali and Sanjay are on the right. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: So, what are you doing?

TOK: I’m landscaping my backyard.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Tok is leaning on his shovel and lecturing.

TOK: Most of southern California is arid, if not outright desert. Maintaining a grass lawn is moderately insane considering the resource pressure the area is already under. Creative use of sturdy and native flora makes a great deal more sense.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tok is speaking.

TOK: Besides, gargoyles really don’t have much use for green and flowery things. We usually live on top of tall buildings where not much grows.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Tok is smiling. Agali and Tok are speaking.

AGALI: But we use this backyard as the outfield when we play baseball.

TOK: And really, that’s what makes all this work worthwhile.

IS THAT WHAT SHE WISHED FOR?

IS THAT WHAT SHE WISHED FOR?


>>Panel 1 - Agali and Sanjay are on the right. Tok is on the left. He is placing a cactus in a hole he dug next to a rock. Agali and Sanjay are speaking.

AGALI: Well, I guess this could be Namek when we’re playing Dragonball.

SANJAY: Yeah.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sanjay has raised his eyebrows. Agali looks angry. Tok is standing upright and speaking.

TOK: Dragonball sucks. The plot takes forever to move forward. It’s like watching someone play a long, repetitious video game.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Agali has jumped up into the air, joined her hands at their heels, and splayed her fingers. A giant fireball has leapt from her hands and is obscuring Tok. Agali is yelling.

AGALI: KAMEHAMEHA!


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Agali is back on the ground, looking smug. Tok is blackened, smoking, and looking at Agali in stunned amazement. Sanjay is speaking.

SANJAY: And the Dragonball books got boobies in them, too.

QUESTIONABLE INTERPRETATIONS OF THE TEXT


>>Panel 1 - Sanjay is in his pajamas in bed in the lower right-hand corner. He is praying.

SANJAY: -And Ganesh, please help me with my spelling test on Monday.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. The head of the Hindu god Ganesh has appeared in the upper left-hand corner. He has an elephant head with one tusk chopped off. His head is surrounded by a glowing nimbus. Sanjay is looking at Ganesh. Ganesh is speaking.

GANESH: Well, Sanjay, that’s not really my area of expertise, but we’ll see what we can do.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Ganesh and Sanjay are speaking.

GANESH: Got any flash cards made up?

SANJAY: I was thinking more along the lines of inflicting the teacher with some horrible disease so we wouldn’t have the test.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sanjay is pouting and has his arms crossed. Ganesh and Sanjay are speaking.

GANESH: Sorry, kid. My brand of miracles does presume some effort on your part.

SANJAY: Why couldn’t my parents be Christian? Jesus makes miracles for free.

IT COULD BE WORSE, COULDN’T IT?


>>Panel 1 - Ganesh’s head is floating in the upper left, surrounding by a glowing nimbus. Sanjay is in his pajamas in bed in the bottom right. Ganesh and Sanjay are speaking.

GANESH: Look, spelling tests are mostly memorization. That’s just work and tricks, little man.

SANJAY: Spelling is stupid.

>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Ganesh and Sanjay are speaking.

GANESH: I’ll admit English isn’t the most logical language, but at least your young enough to adapt to its idiosyncrasies. I was thousands of years old when I started. It took me forever to figure out the differences between ‘too’ and ‘to.’

SANJAY: And a thousand more years for ‘two,’ I bet.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Ganesh looks annoyed. Ganesh and Sanjay are speaking.

GANESH: Sanjay, I’m pretty sure insulting your god’s intelligence isn’t the smartest thing to do.

SANJAY: What are you going to do about it?


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sanjay is rolling his eyes. Ganesh and Sanjay are speaking.

GANESH: Well, I could change your spelling test Monday to Chinese pictographs.

SANJAY: And so much for your high standards for performing miracles.

NOW THAT’S A GREAT SMELLING CLEANING PRODUCT

>>Panel 1 - Sain is on the left. He is wearing a T-shirt and jeans and holding a clipboard. Sven Sever is on the right.

SAIN: You’re our carnage specialist?

SVEN: That’s right. I’m Sven Sever.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image.

SAIN: Great. We’ll be ready for you in a little bit.

SVEN: Is the information I got right? Is this shoot a commercial for a cleaning product?


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image.

SAIN: Yup. Consumer surveys shows that men are gradually adopting more of the house cleaning duties, so they contracted us as part of an effort to penetrate that emerging market.

SVEN: With blood and a dead body.

>>Panel 4 - Same basic image.

SAIN: And don’t forget gunfire.

SVEN: So, is this coming from the same geniuses that tried to sell me perfume in little Windex bottles?

AN OTHERWISE RESPECTABLE NAME


>>Panel 1 - Ganesh is on the left. Sven and Sain are on the right, looking at Ganesh.

GANESH: Sain! That the guy playing the thug?

SAIN: Yes.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image.

GANESH: Well, get him over to wardrobe. We're almost ready for the first shot.

SAIN: On it.


>>Panel 3 - Ganesh has left. Sven and Sain are looking at each other.

SVEN: Sane?

SAIN: Sain. It's a nickname. My full name is Hussein Hussein.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image.

SVEN: Bummer.

SAIN: Yeah. Saddam really screwed it up for the rest of us.

IS THAT WHAT THAT COMMANDMENT IS ABOUT?


>>Panel 1 - Sven is on the left, dressed as a 20’s gangster. Sain is on the right.

SVEN: So, how’d you hook up with our director?

SAIN: There was a special divinity episode of Fear Factor.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image.

SAIN: He was there for the Hindus. I was there for the Muslims. Considering they got Jesus for the Christians, the prophet Mohammed would have made a more logical choice than me.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image.

SVEN: Scheduling conflict?


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image.

SAIN: Nope. He just takes the graven images thing serious. No personal appearances or product endorsements.

CLOSED SET


>>Panel 1 - Sven is on the left, dressed as 20’s gangster. Sain is on the right. They are eating and standing in front of table covered with food.

SVEN: Good food.

SAIN: Yeah. Ganesh likes to eat well.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Two beautiful, well dressed women are behind the table on the left. The women are talking to one another and walking to the right.

SAIN: He’s made a reputation for being one of the best commercial directors in the business, so he can afford the best caterers at shoots.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. The women are now in the right of the panel, still walking. Sven is looking at them.

SVEN: So, he gave up godhood to shoot commercials?

SAIN: No, this is just a sideline for him.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. The women have walked off-panel to the right. Sven and Sain are both looking off-panel at them.

SVEN: Hey, I thought there were only two actors in this shoot.

SAIN: There aren’t. Those are god groupies. Security!

HOLLYWOOD’S PECKING ORDER


>>Panel 1 - Sven is on the right, dressed as a 20’s gangster. Sain is on the right.

SVEN: How’d you get into the film industry?


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image.

SAIN: Internships and working as the assistant to one person or another.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image.

SVEN: Ever wanted to act?


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image.

SAIN: You’re kidding right? Blacks and Hispanics still bitch about how they’re portrayed on TV. Only good thing on the tube from the Middle East is an fat funnyman on a sitcom for a star past her prime.

OOPS. WRONG AUDIENCE.


>>Panel 1 - Tok is on the left and Sven on the right. They are wearing Anthill guard uniforms. They are standing at attention in front of a gray stone wall.

TOK: So, how was your week?

SVEN: Odd. I filmed a commercial for Carnage Carpet Cleaner.


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image.

TOK: How’s that then?

SVEN: Apparently, they’re trying to butch up the cleaning product industry. More guys cleaning and all that.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image.

SVEN: I played a thug that got killed in a private dick’s office. The dick had to clean my bloodstains out of his carpet.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sven has raised his eyebrows.

TOK: They do know that women still do the shopping for the cleaning products guys use, right?

SVEN: Apparently, they overlooked that.