THE CRANKY NEIGHBOR


>>Panel 1 - Tok is on the left and Sven on the right. They are wearing Anthill guard uniforms. They are walking to the right in front of a gray stone wall.

TOK: I’ve been busy, myself. My neighborhood has an infestation.

SVEN: Oh?


>>Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sven looks puzzled.

TOK: Giant hairless rodents. I keep setting traps for them, but they’re too clever to fall for them.

SVEN: Giant hairless... Where do you live?

TOK: The suburbs.


>>Panel 3 - Same basic image. Sven has stopped and is still puzzled. Tok is passing him.


>>Panel 4 - Same basic image. Tok is now further right than Sven.

SVEN: Children?

TOK: Yeah. Tough little critters.

JUST HOPE SHE DOESN’T ASK TO KEEP IT AS A PET


Panel 1 - Keisha is reading outside in a lawn chair. Agali is running past.

AGALI: Hi, Mom!

KEISHA: Hello, Agali.


Panel 2 - Same basic image except Sanjay is running past instead of Agali.

SANJAY: Hi, Mrs. Green!

KEISHA: Hello, Sanjay.


Panel 3 - Same basic image except Cog is running past instead of Sanjay. Cog is a wingless gargoyle with a beak. She has four feet instead of hands and feet.

COG: Hi, Mrs. Green.

KEISHA: Hi.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Keisha is looking after the off-panel Cog in bafflement.

THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?


Panel 1 - Keisha is standing on the left side of the panel. From left to right, Agali, Cog, and Sanjay are standing on large stones.

KEISHA: Hello, dears.

AGALI: Hi, Mom.

KEISHA: New playmate?


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

AGALI: Yeah. This is Cog. Her family moved into the neighborhood a couple of weeks ago.

COG: Hi!


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

KEISHA: Oh, yes. I’ve seen them around. So, Cog, what grade are you in?

COG: I don’t go to school.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Agali is grinning. Sanjay has raised an eyebrow.

KEISHA: Not old enough yet, dear?

COG: No. Tok says school is a holding pen for little monsters. And he says I’m a curio, not a monster.

REAL GAME FROM MY YOUTH


Panel 1 - Keisha is standing on the left side of the panel. From left to right, Agali, Cog, and Sanjay are standing on large stones.

KEISHA: So, what are you three up to today?

AGALI: Cog taught us a new game.

SANJAY: It’s called Graveyard.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

COG: You have to stay on the rocks and not touch the ground. You can bump other people off the rocks.


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

COG: If you fall in the grass, the zombies will get you, but you can get back up after counting to 10 . If you fall in the sandbox, the worms will get you, but you get back up after counting to 20.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Keisha has raised her eyebrows.

COG: If you fall in the graveyard, you’re out of the game. If you’re the last person standing on a rock, you win.

SANJAY: You don’t have an actual graveyard here, so we’re using the spot were you buried the hamster.

CONSTRUCTION’S FRINGE BENEFITS


Panel 1 - From left to right, Agali, Cog, and Sanjay are standing on large stones. Keisha is standing on the right side of the panel.

KEISHA: There’s been a lot of bangs and dust coming from your place, Cog. Is your family doing some work on it?


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sanjay has jumped on top of Cog, but the gargoyle is ignoring him. Sanjay is grinning at Agali, who has a single eyebrow raised back.

COG: Yeah. It’s not really built for a hundred-some gargoyles, so they’re reinforcing the frame and digging out more for the basement.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Sanjay has launched himself at Agali. Unfortunately for him, Agali has ducked, causing him to fly over her.

KEISHA: The basement? Really? I haven’t seen any trucks taking away the earth.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sanjay is on the ground, rubbing his head and glaring at Agali. Agali has her tongue stuck out at him.

COG: That’s cause we eat it. Has a really nice grainy texture. I can bring some over if you want to try it.

EVEN BETTER THAN A PET


Panel 1 - Keisha is standing on the left side of the panel. Cog, Agali, and Sanjay are sitting on the ground to the right.

KEISHA: You kids want some lemonade and cookies?

KIDS: Yes, please!


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Keisha is turning to walk off-panel.

KEISHA: I’ll be right back.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Cog has turned to talk to Agali.

COG: You’re mom’s nice.

AGALI: Yes, she is.


Panel 4 - Same basic image.

COG: Can I have her?

AGALI: Sorry, no. She grilled cheese sandwiches alone offset her annoying parental tendencies.

GREAT STONE HUNTER


Panel 1 - Cog is low to the ground on the left, sneaking into the panel. Tok is seated at a computer on the right. A very, very small gargoyle named Tik is lying on top of the computer monitor, with her head over the edge to watch the screen. She has wings.


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Cog has snuck further into the panel.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Cog has leapt high in the air and is coming down on Tok. Tik is looking up at Cog. Tok has not moved.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Cog has landed on Tok and partially enveloped his head in her beak. Tok is speaking but has otherwise not moved.

TOK: Straight jacket and padded room, baby.

ASHCROFT WOULD DEMAND DRAPES


ASHCROFT WOULD DEMAND DRAPES

Panel 1 - Tok is seated at a computer in the middle of the panel and facing right. Cog is draped over his head and back and looking at the monitor. Tik is on top of the monitor looking at Cog.

COG: What ya doing?

TOK: Looking for things to put in the backyard.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

COG: Oh. I though maybe you were looking at porn.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tik is looking at the screen.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Tik is looking at Tok.

TOK: Cog, it’s garden statuary.

TIK: I suppose you’re going to claim it’s art.

HAS THAT PORNO PREMISE BEEN FILMED YET?


Panel 1 - Icingbell is in the middle of the panel facing right, sitting at her desk. She is working at her computer. Keisha is standing behind her, facing right.

KEISHA: Any body else scheduled this afternoon, Icingbell?

ICINGBELL: Nope.


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Ganesh has entered on the right.

KEISHA: Good. Gives me a chance to finish some paperwork.

GANESH: Hello, everyone!


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Icingbell and Keisha are looking at Ganesh.

KEISHA: Hello, sir.

ICINGBELL: Hello, Mr. Ganesh.

GANESH: How are my girls? Looking as scrumptious as usual.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Ganesh looks puzzled.

KEISHA: Ganesh, have you read our sexual harassment policy?

GANESH: You mean there’s an official way to do it?

YUM, MARSHMALLOWS


Panel 1 - Icingbell is on the left, sitting at her desk facing right. Keisha is in the center, coming around the desk to hand a book to Ganesh on the right.

KEISHA: Seriously, Ganesh, sexual harassment policies remove a layer of inefficiency from business.


Panel 2 - Same basic panel. Ganesh is studying the contents of the book intently. Keisha is looking at Icingbell.

ICINGBELL: If they’d had them in the thirties, I never would have had to leave the faerie court. As it is, the subsequent policies has allowed the court expand their ‘switching babies in their cradles’ and ‘making marshmallows for breakfast cereal’ operations. All because the lower ranks don’t have spend all their time boinking the big bosses.


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

KEISHA: Wow. Glad I wasn’t a woman there and then.

ICINGBELL: The fair folk don’t have your human hang-ups about sex, Keisha. Didn’t matter if you were female, male, or both.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Ganesh looks distressed. Icingbell and Keisha are looking at him.

GANESH: But I can still keep my god groupies, right?

ICINGBELL: Whatever floats your boat, elephant man.

THAT EXPLAINS THE FIRST ROBIN, BUT NOT THE THIRD


Panel 1 - Icingbell is sitting at her desk, on the left facing right. Keisha is in the center, and Ganesh is on the right.

ICINGBELL: Speaking of sexual harassment, where’s Sain?

GANESH: Trusty sidekick is running errands.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

KEISHA: Performing your miracles?

GANESH: No, he’s picking up my groceries.


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

KEISHA: Hope Trusty has a pickup. I hear elephants eat a couple of tons a day.

GANESH: Funny girl.


Panel 4 - Same basic image.

ICINGBELL: Doesn’t he hate being called trusty sidekick?

GANESH: Any reasonable person would.

GET THE PACHYDERM A LEISURE SUIT


Panel 1 - Icingbell is sitting at her desk, on the left facing right. Keisha is in the center, and Ganesh is on the right. They are looking at Icingbell.

KEISHA: So when are you going to ask Sain out.

GANESH: Been at least a year now, hasn’t it?


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

ICINGBELL: I’m an old fashioned kind of girl.

GANESH: I’m an old fashioned kind of guy, but I’ve kept up with the times.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Icingbell and Keisha have raised their eyebrows and Ganesh.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Icingbell is smirking.

KEISHA: The 1970’s maybe.

GANESH: Hey, I use condoms! That’s current!

ASK HIM ABOUT COSPLAY


Panel 1 - Icingbell is sitting at her desk, on the left facing right. Keisha is in the center, and Ganesh is on the right. They are looking at Icingbell.

ICINGBELL: I don’t know. Sain’s cute, but I wouldn’t know how to approach him.

KEISHA: It’s not that hard.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

ICINGBELL: I’ve been coy, I’ve been flirty, I’ve been friendly, I’m been aloof, I’ve been trashy, I’ve been demure - but he always delivers polite indifference.


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

GANESH: You’re making this way too complicated. Next time he comes in, tell him he has to take you out on Friday.


Panel 4 - Same basic image.

ICINGBELL: Are you sure?

GANESH: Trust me. Elf girls place above even cat girls on his list. Bast has nothing on you, sweetie.

CHECKING THE WIND SPEED


PANEL 1 - Sanjay is on the lower left. He is dressed in his pajamas and sitting in his bed. The floating head of Ganesh is in the upper right.

SANJAY: Ganesh?

GANESH: Yeah, kid?


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

SANJAY: Do you think the U.S. will really reinstitute the draft?

GANESH: Nah. They will if they really need the manpower, but most of the noise right now is coming from congressmen who want to use the army for social engineering.


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

GANESH: Some think that the adverse conditions caused by the government forcing its citizens to be where they don’t want to be is a useful way to create bonding among its citizens. This ignores a long history of the well connected who don’t want to participate getting safe, cushy placements while the poor who don’t want to participate head for Canada. Course, I’m sure Mexico would get a fair number this time around, too.


Panel 4 - Same basic image.

SANJAY: Oh. Didn’t President Bush get a cushy spot during Vietnam?

GANESH: Well, he was well connected and didn’t exactly demand a front line assignment. I think you can fairly say he’s not a huge fan of the draft.

LEARNING THINGS FROM WAR


Panel 1 - Sanjay is on the lower left. He is dressed in his pajamas and sitting in his bed. The floating head of Ganesh is in the upper right.

SANJAY: So was Kerry drafted?

GANESH: Nope, he volunteered after questioning the validity of the conflict. Then he came back and protested after concluding the war was actually quite dubious.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

SANJAY: If he didn’t like the fight, he must have been a pretty sucky soldier.

GANESH: Nope. Records indicate he was a excellent soldier that fought hard, lead well, and took the risks needed win battles. Earned himself quite a few medals including three purple hearts.


Panel 3 - Same basic image.

SANJAY: But the first one he didn’t really deserve, right?

GANESH: A superficial wound taken during combat? Kid, the difference between superficial and life-threatening is a few inches. He earned it.


Panel 4 - Same basic image.

SANJAY: But there’s conflicting stories from Kerry himself about which his ribbons and medals he threw over the White House fence during a protest, yes? So he can claim various degrees of piss or pride, depending on the circumstances?

GANESH: Thus proving himself a man for all occasions. Prime qualification for a President.

QUITE AN HONOR


Panel 1 - Queen Aerilsect is off-panel to the left. Tok is on the left and Sven is on the right. They are dressed in Anthill guard uniforms and standing in front of a gray brick wall. A elaborate vase is sitting on chin-height shelf on the far right. Tok is looking at Sven.

AERILSECT (OFF-PANEL): Clockwork man?

TOK: So what was the penalty for regicide in this burg?


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Aerilsect has entered the panel on the left. She is a giant ant, standing upright and wearing robes. Tok is gesturing toward Sven. Sven is looking at Aerilsect.

AERILSECT: Ticky-tock, who is this new mammal?

TOK: Your Majesty, this is Sven Sever. Sven, this is Her Majesty, Queen Aerilsect.

SVEN: Your interest honors me, Majesty.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tok is looking at Sven. Sven has raised an eyebrow, his head titled toward Tok and his eyes looking at Aerilsect.

TOK: Don’t be. It’s easier for her to make sure none of us work too many hours if she knows us all by sight.

SVEN: You do know she’s right there?


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Aerilsect is looking at Tok. Tok is bowing his head and smirking. Sven looks puzzled.

AERILSECT: Ticky-tock, you are eternally rude.

TOK: Majesty, you honor me.

NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS


Panel 1 - Aerilsect is on the left, Tok is in the center, and Sven is on the right. They are dressed in Anthill guard uniforms and standing in front of a gray brick wall. A elaborate vase is sitting on chin-height shelf on the far right. Tok and Sven are looking at Aerilsect.

AERILSECT: Stony visage, I may make you my jester so you can insult the supplicants for my amusement.

TOK: I’d just spend my time insulting you for their amusement. They could probably use it. The line to your throne tends to be long and slow moving.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

AERILSECT: I can only modestly declare that visitors adore basking in my magnificence.

TOK: More like gawking at a car wreck.

SVEN: Shouldn’t you be there now?


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Aerilsect and Tok are looking at Sven.

AERILSECT: No, squishy-shelled one, visiting hours are 10 to 3.

TOK: The rest of the time, she’s having sex or giving birth.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sven and Tok have raised their eyebrows.

AERILSECT: Spawning a nation is rigorous work.

SVEN: And my mother used to complain about just the three.

AND AMERICANS THINK ‘THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER’ IS TRASHY


Panel 1 - Tok is on the left and Sven is in the center. They are dressed in Anthill guard uniforms and standing in front of a gray brick wall. Queen Aerilsect is on the right, taking down the vase off its shelf to examine it. Tok and Sven are looking at her.

TOK: So, is it true you disapproved of Drone Sextant’s decisions to skip military service and head straight for the debauched partying scene instead?

AERILSECT: Been reading the tabloids again, my little gray edifice?


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Sven is looking at Tok. Aerilsect is examining the vase.

TOK: Only on days I work here. I just can’t the same quality of pointless trash back home - and I live in LA.

SVEN: Are the papers here that bad?


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tok is looking at Sven. Aerilsect is looking at Tok.

TOK: Worse. They make Inside Edition and E! True Hollywood Story look like the heights of decorum.

AERILSECT: I do wish those mashed pulp papers would have some respect for my family’s privacy.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Tok is look at Aerilsect.

TOK: Are you kidding? Without the Royal Family scandals to sell papers, the entire private Anthill news industry would collapse.

TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT, OPPOSITION PARTY!


Panel 1 - Tok is on the left and Sven in on the center. They are looking at each other. They are dressed in Anthill guard uniforms and standing in front of a gray brick wall. A elaborate vase is sitting on chin-height shelf to Sven’s right. Queen Aerilsect is on theright, looking at Tok.

TOK: What I can’t believe is how much of the evening television news focuses on the same trivial crap as the tabloids.

SVEN: I’ve worked on TV, Tok. It’s all about the ratings, even in news.


Panel 2 - Same basic image.

TOK: Yeah, but Anthill has heavily subsidized public TV with news programs that share in that insanity.

SVEN: Sure, but the voters have to want the government to pay for the public TV. And that means the shows they put on have to be well watched.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Tok and Sven are looking at Aerilsect.

AERILSECT: Our government is dedicated to providing quality services of all varieties to our people.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sven is smirking.

TOK: That or the council enjoys holding the purse strings on those that report on their scandals.

AERILSECT: Perhaps watching their enemy’s scandals is what they enjoy.

MMM, TARTS


Panel 1 - Aerilsect is on the left, Tok is on the center, and Sven is on the right. They are dressed in Anthill guard uniforms and standing in front of a gray brick wall. A elaborate vase is sitting on chin-height shelf to Sven’s right. Tok and Sven are looking at Aerilsect.

AERILSECT: Well, foreign land minions, I should let you get back to work.

TOK: Got that right. We got a watercooler break coming up, and we’d hate for you to screw that up.

SVEN: Ignore the stone lump, Majesty. We are at your eternal disposal.


Panel 2 - Same basic image. Tok is looking at Sven. Sven is half-bowing.

AERILSECT: Why thank you, Severus. Keep well.


Panel 3 - Same basic image. Aerilsect has left the panel. Tok is glaring at Sven. Sven is standing upright and ignoring him.


Panel 4 - Same basic image. Sven is smirking.

TOK: Royalty tart.