KEELHAUL HIM!


>>Panel 1 - Sain and Icingbell and sitting on a couch, watching television.

ICINGBELL: A Reagan speaking at the Democratic National Convention. It's an odd world.


>>Panel 2 - SBI.

SAIN: Well, Ronny has an issue to promote that the Republicans are against. Plus it gives the Democrats an opportunity to poke the Republicans in the eye by invoking the Reagan name on their own behalf.


>>Panel 3 - SBI.

ICINGBELL: True enough. Ronny wasn't exactly a model Republican while he was alive either.


>>Panel 4 - SBI.

SAIN: Now a Bush speaking at the convention would be weird.

ICINGBELL: Yeah. Granny Barbara runs a tight ship.

SECURITY INCONVENIENCES


>>Panel 1 - Keisha is in the kitchen frying burgers in a pan. Tik is keeping her company. They are listening to a small radio.

KEISHA: Listen to those people complain about the disruption the convention is bringing to their city.

TIK: Hey, if they think the traffics bad now, they should try driving in LA.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Keisha is nudging a burger.

KEISHA: Boston's a big city with serious traffic problems. LA wouldn't be that much of a shock, Tik.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Keisha is flipping a burger.

TIK: Yeah, well, I still think they're being too whiney. It's a shame that the cradle of liberty isn't happy to tolerate the inconveniences of maintaining that freedom.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Keisha is looking at Tik.

KEISHA: Still, the politicians better pay attention. The last time they got cranky up there, they forced a change in government.

TIK: Well, they won't be throwing tea in the water. The Coast Guard would bust them for acting suspicious.

SECURITY INCONVENIENCES


>>Panel 1 - Keisha is in the kitchen frying burgers in a pan. Tik is keeping her company. They are listening to a small radio.

KEISHA: Listen to those people complain about the disruption the convention is bringing to their city.

TIK: Hey, if they think the traffics bad now, they should try driving in LA.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Keisha is nudging a burger.

KEISHA: Boston's a big city with serious traffic problems. LA wouldn't be that much of a shock, Tik.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Keisha is flipping a burger.

TIK: Yeah, well, I still think they're being too whiney. It's a shame that the cradle of liberty isn't happy to tolerate the inconveniences of maintaining that freedom.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Keisha is looking at Tik.

KEISHA: Still, the politicians better pay attention. The last time they got cranky up there, they forced a change in government.

TIK: Well, they won't be throwing tea in the water. The Coast Guard would bust them for acting suspicious.

PROGRAMS PREMPTED FOR PUBLIC SERVICE


>>Panel 1 - Ganesh is slouched in a director's charge, thinking. Sain is standing next to him, wearing a headset that leads to a cell phone and writing on a PDA.

GANESH: I miss my dramas and braindead news shows.

SAIN: The convention coverage isn't good enough for you?


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Ganesh is looking at Sain.

GANESH: The conventions are four-day infomercials for the major American political parties.

SAIN: Now that the delegations' votes are sorted out by public primaries before the conventions, yeah. No surprise candidate means all that's left is the rally and the exposure to the general public.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sain is looking up at Ganesh.

GANESH: I remember when conventions were interesting.

SAIN: When the candidates were chosen by secret deals made in smoky rooms? Yeah, the will of the people is so overrated.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sain is smirking.

GANESH: Will of the people? Bet you don't like the Electoral College either.

SAIN: Nah, it's okay. It mostly works, and if we change it we risk missing an entertainment value like 2000 election. Tim Russert's eraser board was da bomb.

THE LOG CABIN REPUBLICANS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING


>>Panel 1 - Sven and Tok are dressed in their Anthill uniforms. They are standing in front of a gray brick wall. Tok is looking at Sven.

TOK: You must have been pretty disappointed by the Democratic Convention.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Sven is looking at Tok with a puzzled expression.

SVEN: How's that?

TOK: Well, they didn't exact come out in favor of gay marriage.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sven is smiling ruefully.

SVEN: The Republicans are creating plenty of excitement among the gay community by themselves. Bush thinks pledging support for an amendment that has no chance of passing will get more votes for him than the gay community can bring against him.

TOK: Point.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sven has turned away but is grinning broadly.

SVEN: Besides, every time I see Kerry and Edwards together, I half-expect them to start making out.

TOK: They have been kind of touchy-feeling, haven't they?

BILLY HAS MANDY'S SHARE OF NOSE


>>Panel 1 - Sain has entered on the left. Icingbell is sitting on the couch watching television.

SAIN: What are we watching?

ICINGBELL: 'The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy.'


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Sain has joined her.


>>Panel 3 - SBI.


>>Panel 4 - SBI.

SAIN: Comedy-Horror for kids.

ICINGBELL: Definitely more challenging than Sesame Street.

WELL, THE GRIM REAPER IS ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS


>>Panel 1 - Sain and Icingbell are watching television. Sain is grimacing.

SAIN: Eh.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Sain has stuck and his tongue and winced.

SAIN: Oh.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sain's face is screwed up and his body is twisting.

SAIN: Ewww.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sain has relaxed and is looking at Icingbell.

SAIN: You know, I don't remember Bugs Bunny dying at the end of any of his cartoons.

ICINGBELL: They're playing by Kenny rules. They'll be back in the next cartoon.

Monday

MEET FENWORT LONGTAIL


>>Panel 1 - Paparazzi line a velvet rope, yelling and taking pictures. Sven, dressed in a tuxedo and shades, stands in front of the line. Immediately on his left stands a cat-man among the rest of the paparazzi. He is Fenwort Longtail, an old acquaintance of Sven's.

PAPARAZZI: Rebecca! Over here! Over here! Rebecca!


>>Panel 2 - SBI. The paparazzi have quieted, waiting for the next celebrity. Sven and Fenwort are looking at each other.

SVEN: Fenwort. I see they let you off you're leash.

FENWORT: Can't cage a cat, fella.

FENWORT (continued): How you've been Sven?


>>Panel 3 - SBI.

SVEN: Odd jobbing it. They pulled the plug of the show I was working on, so I've been picking up assignments piecemeal. Like working security on the red carpet.

SVEN (continued): A better question would be what are you doing here slumming it with the paparazzi.

FENWORT: The jobless recovery kept us all scrambling for work, baldy. Even we sensitive artist types have had to scrounge to keep food in the fridge.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sven has raised an eyebrow. Fenwort has raised both in retaliation.

SVEN: Broke up with another of your sugar daddies?

FENWORT: Both cynical and wrong. Annoy me enough, and I won't let you take me out for drinks when this wraps up.



Tuesday

ALONG WITH THE BOOK 'HOW TO STALK' AND COMFORTABLE SHOES


>>Panel 1 - Paparazzi line a velvet rope, taking pictures and calling out in one voice. Sven stands in front of the line, dressed in shades and a tuxedo. Fenwort is standing with the rest of the paparazzi.

PAPARAZZI: Thanks, Cameron!


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Sven is looking over at Fenwort, who is fiddling with his camera. The rest of the Paparazzi are waiting for the next celebrity.

SVEN: Doesn't your throat get sore with all the yelling you have to do?


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Fenwort is looking at Sven and pulling a thermos out of his bag.

FENWORT: Yeah. That's why we have this.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sven has opened the thermos and is taking a sniff.

SVEN: A thermos of tea soaked in honey?

FENWORT: It's part of the paparazzi starter's kit.

THE FAB FIVE AND THE FORCES OF DARKNESS


>>Panel 1 - Paparazzi line a velvet rope, fiddling with their equipment. Fenwort stands among them, writing in a small notebook. Sven stands to his left, dressed in shades and a tuxedo.

FENWORT: Did you see what she was wearing?

SVEN: Smoking. Maybe I'll ask her out instead of you.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Fenwort is smiling.

FENWORT: Pretty liar. I didn't catch who made the dress, did you?

SVEN: Fashion was never actually my forte, Fen.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Fenwort is looking at Sven in concern.

FENWORT: How do you expect the straight community to look up to us for fashion if we don't all do our part, Sven?

SVEN: How about proving to them that we don't all live as the stereotypes, Fenwort?


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Fenwort has turned a rueful expression back to his notebook. Sven is leering at him.

FENWORT: Initial impressions are always compared to the stereotypes, although the prudent don't let the stereotypes trip them up. Changing the homosexual stereotype so the straight guys see us as an ally rather than some absurd threat has taken far too long.

FENWORT (continued): Oh well, at least you work out.

SVEN: Oh, yes, that's why I work out: To impress the straights.

SOPHMORE SLUMP ON THE DOCTORAL LEVEL


>>Panel 1 - Sven and Fenwort stand on either side of a velvet rope. Sven is dressed in a tuxedo and shades. The paparazzi behind them are putting away their equipment and wandering off.

SVEN: I hear this film's supposed to be another stinker.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Fenwort is shrugging.

FENWORT: Summer's winding down. The studios start unloading some of the clunkers, so they can nobly go to DVD and still claim to have been released in the theatres. The noise created by the better films prevents renters at Blockbuster from remembering just how bad the reviews were during its original release.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sven has raised an eyebrow.

SVEN: Except for big hype and bad review travesties like Catwoman?


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Fenwort looks wistful.

FENWORT: Poor Halle. The Best Actress Oscar claims another victim.

THERE IS A STRONG CORRELATION BETWEEN LEADERSHIP AND THE ABILITY TO SUPPLY FOOD


>>Panel 1 - Sven and Fenwort are walking down a red carpet. Sven is dressed in shades and a tuxedo. Fenwort is carrying his camera equipment.

SVEN: So where are we going?

FENWORT: You're taking me dancing, so I'll leave it up to you.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Sven is smiling at Fenwort.

SVEN: That's very kind of you. And here I expected you to be high maintenance.

FENWORT: A good leader knows how to delegate.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sven has raised his eyebrows and is treating Fenwort to a small smile. Fenwort looks smug.

SVEN: And who would have you for a leader, Fenny?

FENWORT: I'll have you know that I'm in charge of our book club.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sven looks politely impressed. Fenwort is grinning broadly.

SVEN: Really?

FENWORT: Actually I'm just in charge of bringing the snacks every few weeks, but the others always complement my selections.

STONEY VISAGE VERSUS DOLLY THE SHEEP


>>Panel 1 - Tok, Cog, and Tik are sitting on a couch, watching television. Tik is looking over at Tok.

TOK: I wonder if we're related to Kerry.

TIK: How's that?


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Tok is gesturing toward the television.

TOK: Well, look at his face. It's clearly a small version of the stone faces from Easter Island with a wig on top.

TIK: But he's not stone himself.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Tok has crossed his arms across his chest and is looking over at Tik.

TOK: So you would claim that he's actually an alien from the same planet that created the faces?

TIK: Sure. Everyone knows that pureblood humans haven't held the office for the president of the United States since the 1920's. It's been one long line of aliens, cyborgs, androids, and homunculi since the States became a major world player. Bush himself is a clone of his father.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Tok is rolling his eyes. Cog is looking up at Tik. Tik is grinning back at Cog and cupping her hands as if to hold an invisible melon.

COG: Bush is a clone?

TIK: Yeah, and not a very good one. Have you noticed how much smaller his head is? I think they dropped some chromosomes when they grew him.

BEEP BEEP!


>>Panel 1 - Tok, Cog, and Tik are sitting on a couch, watching television.

TIK: I heard Herby the Love Bug came out in support of Bush and Cheney.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Tok is frowning at Tik. She is grinning back.

TOK: Are you making fun of the misspelled loyalty oath people had to sign to get into that Cheney rally?

TIK: Would I do that?


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Cog is looking up at Tok.

TOK: I suppose your going to claim Herby came out in support of his fellow machine?

COG: I though we decided Bush was a clone.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Tok is glaring at Cog. Cog looks puzzled.

TOK: You're not helping.

COG: I'm supposed to be helping?

STORY NUMBER 5


>>Panel 1 - A large number 5 fills the panel. A television can be seen at the bottom. In it, Tok is wearing a suit and tie and standing behind a podium.

TELEVISION: And here's today's release from the Department of Homeland Security.

TOK: We're very very safe, but be very very scared.


>>Panel 2 - Sain and Icingbell are sitting on a couch, watching television.

SAIN: This Keith Olberman is a bit of a punk, isn't he?

ICINGBELL: Yup.


>>Panel 3 - SBI.


>>Panel 4 - SBI.

SAIN: It's sort of like watching a cranky version of the Today show.

ICINGBELL: Without the plebeians standing outside worshiping the camera with their screams.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Primate,

STORY NUMBER 4


>>Panel 1 - A large number 4 fills the panel. A television is at the bottom of the panel. A headshot of Sven is on the television. He has Keith Olberman's hair.

SVEN: Next, the sixth segment of the show, which is actually the third segment - although we don't call either of those - thus destroying our authority and credibility.


>>Panel 2 - Sain and Icingbell are sitting on a couch watching television.

SAIN: Ha. That oddball report is pretty funny.

ICINGBELL: If you're into mocking sarcasm, I suppose.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sain is looking at Icingbell. She is looking back with an indulgent smile.

SAIN: You know, I'm not sure any of it actually qualified as news. I mean, except in an America's Funniest Home Videos sort of way.

ICINGBELL: Baron Munchausen. More like the colorful stories on local news.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Icingbell looks thoughtful.

SAIN: Still, would you say this countdown show qualifies as news or entertainment?

ICINGBELL: More newsy than Inside Edition but less than the CBS Evening News. However, Keith falls short of the leader of that segment of the industry, Jon Stewart.

STORY NUMBER 3


>>Panel 1 - A big number 3 fills the panel. A television at the bottom of the panel shows a headshot Sven with Olberman's haircut, rubbing his hands together.

SVEN: Ooo, goody. Somebody in the news used a lot of numbers in their explanation.


>>Panel 2 - Sain and Icingbell are sitting on a couch, watching television. Sain is looking at Icingbell.

SAIN: While I watch this show, I feel like I'm back in school.

ICINGBELL: How's that?


>>Panel 3 - SBI.

SAIN: Counting itty-bitty numbers backward.

ICINGBELL: Oh. Well, I've heard your math skills atrophy when you don't practice them.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Icingbell is looking at Sain.

SAIN: No, no. I can count backwards fine. Internet lists keep that skill current.

ICINGBELL: That and David Letterman's Top Ten lists.

STORY NUMBER 2


>>Panel 1 - A giant number 2 fills the panel. At the bottom, Sanjay and Agali are standing and watching a wad of paper crash out of a television set.

SANJAY: Oh. Wadded up paper can break glass!

AGALI: The things you learn from TV.


>>Panel 2 - Sain and Icingbell are sitting on a couch, watching television.

TELEVISION: CRRSH


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Icingbell is yelling at the television.

ICINGBELL: Littering! $50 dollar fine!


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sain is trying to sooth Icingbell. Icingbell has crossed her arms and is scowling.

SAIN: I'm sure one of Olberman's staff picks it up as soon as the cameras go off, honey.

ICINGBELL: A newsman should respect him position enough not to send anti-environmental message like that.

STORY NUMBER 1


>>Panel 1 - A large number 1 fills the panel. At the bottom, Sain is wearing Olberman's hairdo and looking out of a television.

SAIN: And now the bit where we review the week's news as a quiz show with impossible questions designed to trip me up.


>>Panel 2 - Sain and Icingbell are sitting on a couch, watching television. Sain is looking at Icingbell.

SAIN: Well, the Countdown isn't a bad little show.

ICINGBELL: Apparently, it's lasted a whole 16 months, which is something of a record for Olberman's cable career.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sain eyebrows are knit together in thought.

SAIN: Huh. I can't say I remember seeing him. Although if he is anchoring an hour show, I would assume he's been around a while.

ICINGBELL: He's been everywhere and back again and can proudly claim to have been fired from Fox News.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Icingbell is looking at Sain with a raised eyebrow.

SAIN: Oh. Well, it looks like he finally has a format that will get him up to the C-rank of news anchor celebrity.

ICINGBELL: C-rank sounds about right. But then, what does it say about this strip that we spent a week on him?

MAKE AND MODEL OF YOUR CHOICE


>>Panel 1 - Sanjay is in his pajamas and sitting up in bed. Ganesh's head is floating in the upper right.

SANJAY: School's coming up.

GANESH: Yes, I suppose it is.


>>Panel 2 - SBI.

SANJAY: Can you make me super smart this year?

GANESH: Nope, although I can offer occasional inspirations in exchange for a bit more work.


>>Panel 3 - SBI. Sanjay is scowling.

SANJAY: Why couldn't I just remember what I knew in my last life?

GANESH: Sorry. Knowledge carried from a previous life is limited to what you can fit onto the head of a pin.


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Sanjay is looking hopefully at Ganesh. Ganesh is looking sternly back.

SANJAY: How about if the amount of study I have to do equals the time I spent in class?

GANESH: Too late, kid. If you wanted that feature, you should have checked for it before accepting delivery of your current body.

DIDN'T THAT HAPPEN FURTHER WEST?


>>Panel 1 - Sanjay is dressed in his pajamas and sitting in his bed. Ganesh's head is floating in the upper right.

SANJAY: Ganesh, can you look after my aunt when she goes to the Bahamas this week?

GANESH: Let me look.


>>Panel 2 - SBI. Ganesh is looking at a list floating in front of his head.

GANESH: Hmm.


>>Panel 3 - SBI.

SANJAY: What?


>>Panel 4 - SBI. Ganesh is writing on the list using a pencil held in his trunk.

GANESH: Well, it's it a good thing you said something. Her luggage was scheduled to end up in Anchorage. More proof that they never should have given Pandora that box.